Friday, February 25, 2005

Obscenity rules ...

Some people consider the rules of obscenity as pictures of bare naked women.
Others think the killing of soldiers with depleted uranium bullets is obscene. (they make the target disintegrate)
Yet others have a new description for the word: Bank profits.
It's not like banks have big research and developement programs, say like automakers, who spend years developing the new model cars and invest millions in safety features alone, because they know the buyer will demand them when that model comes out. Banks have nothing but a little evil-eyed man in a darkened room whose job is to think up ways of sneaking more money out of your account and into theirs.
The Royal Bank of Canada, now prefering to be known by the hip advertising name of RBC, has just anounced profits of 1.43 BILLION dollars! With a straight face. The highest profit figure in Canadian history. The other banks followed close with similar figures.
Have you ever tried phoning a bank and asking for a list of charges that could be debited to your own account? My gawd, if you want to see serious evasiveness, try it sometime. Some liken these arrogant bankers as secretly smirking like those cigarette company execs who tell us how good smokes are for us. Some people think they are obscene. Many working stiffs know what immorality is too.
It's enough to drive millions to Credit Unions.
We envision the bank people as solemn faced when the cameras are around, then in the privacy of their lofty palaces, shouting gleefully with their fists in the air, "Obscenity? Obscenity RULES!"

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Canada turns down chance to blow up countries ...

The Americans are floored. Canada announced that it would NOT participate in the US Missile Defence Shield. God help me, I am beginning to like Paul Martin!
The US cannot understand why we would turn down a chance to shoot at other countries!
Americans already viewed Canada as very much involved in the project. They're astounded Canadians don't want to be there to launch a missile strike. Hmmm. Don't we know how much fun that can be? Do they ever look north of their border? Do they ever see that we are not a warmongering nation? Do they ever consider that perhaps, just perhaps, no one wants to blow up Canadians so why would WE launch missiles at anyone else?
Maybe all the rhetoric the Americans are using to call us wimps is working in OUR favour? Maybe all those terrorist countries that hate Americans so vehemently see that the Americans don't like Canadians much either?
Who would we launch a missile strike against? (and don't say Quebec, they're still on our side at last view) And will America carefully diagnose that incoming missile to see if it might actually hit Canada and then leave it be? Would North Korea send a missile toward Los Angeles by the long route over Canada?
The truth is, that any missile launched with the intention of blowing up something in America will more than likely be launched from WITHIN America. Many Canadians see this whole Missile Defence Shield thing as a huge public relations exercise to make middle Americans keep their nose to the grindstone and think they are safe.
Of course they are pissed off with us from Paul Cellucci, the US Antagonizer to Canada who seems to have his nose stuck permanently into our business, to President Bush who thinks we are part of North Kansas. We're expecting Condoleezza Rice to threaten a pre-emptive strike against us at any minute. They have the same old, "If you're not for us, you're against us," mentality, and one wonders if they should try understanding friendship instead of practicing overbearing bullying.
At any rate, the decision to pass on the US Star Wars program is a popular one with Canadians. Now let's see if Martin continues to piss them off by decriminalizing maryjuana?
Ah .... life can be good at times.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

BMW factory conversation

In the BMW factory showroom with the newest designed car ready for final approval. Two technician designers, Hans und Helmet ....

Hans: Jah, Helmet, you see ve haf here da new BMW.
Helmet: Oh, Hans, it is vunderful, da bosses vill be zo happy mit dis autocar.
Hans: Helmet, und are they coming now for their first view?
Helmet: Jah. Coming down hallway .... Wait, vas is das?
Hans: (worried) What Helmet, what are you lookink at?
Helmet: Oh My God, Hans, you haf forgotten a trunk on dis new auto!
Hans: (gasping, face flushing) I haf what? (walks around to the rear of the car) Oh NO! There ist no trunk!
Helmet: Hans, I t'ink I hear da bosses comink now!
(Helmet and Hans run to and fro with arms flailing in panik)
Helmet: Dey gonna make us tourist guides at sausage factory Hans! DO somet'ink!
(Hans rushes outside, returns with a bulbous sheet of metal, forces it onto the rear of the brand new BMW. The big bosses arrive, gasp and grin at the frontal beauty of the new BMW. Hans drapes himself over the rear of the car, pretending to hug it. Just as the bosses start to walk around the car, Hans starts wailing with anxiety and fear. The bosses look around, puzzled by the horrible sound. Helmet seizes the opportunity!)
Helmet: Air raid siren, quick into da basement eferyone!
( The bosses rush out of the showroom. Helmet stamps APPROVED on the approval form.)
Helmet: Hans, is that not da trunk lid for your 1978 Datsun?
Hans: (quivering) Ja, Helmet, I haf not'ing in my trunk anyvay, looks very bustenhaltenfarven, don't you t'ink?
Helmet: Ja. (smiles) Start production.

Pete Rose and Barry Bonds

Pete Rose cheated baseball. It gave him a wonderful career. He cheated by betting. He says he never bet on his own game. He should never be in the Hall of Fame.
Barry Bonds has been under suspicion of cheating for years. He set records. Or so he thinks. He berates reporters because they won't stop asking about his steroid use. That's behind me, he says, you guys need to move on, he says. Quit asking old stuff, he says. I just want to play baseball he says. Some trainer gave me stuff and I just used it, didn't know if it was steroids or not. I was innocent. I still didn't know when I started gaining all that muscle. I still didn't know when my hair started disappearing.
There should be two sets of records, one for the old time greats who had no access to strength enhancing drugs, and one for these guys who are cheating. Their records mean nothing.
Quit chearing for the cheaters.
Keep asking questions. The first one might be; it is right for athletes to cheat?
Those that do should have NO records recorded.
They should be in the Hall of Shame.

UPDATE: March 19 - after the most recent hearings where most of the baseball players being questioned seemed to regress to naive children whenever steroid use was questioned, and where they all pointed the finger elsewhere, and where they seemed to try to rationalize their cheating, Tommy Lasorda, the venerable manager of the LA Dodgers and a baseball icon, who got fat, thin and fat in front of us all, said if these guys cheated they should all be tossed out of any records books, because it takes away from the REAL players who set the records without cheating!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Sounds too crazy but could happen department ...

Feb20/05 - Rooters
Today the Federal Liberal Government announced their 'Ultimate Equity Tax Plan'. This initiative is designed to make the tax system fair for all, a Liberal spokesperson said. Beginning next year, everyone will simply have their total earnings paid into the government bank accounts and the government will dole out dollars to Canadians based on what they think you need.
Don't worry about your money, Dagwood's boss will be looking after it.
A liberal spokesman, when asked about the new plan, simply played a loop recording from a mini tape recorder (Recently issued to all federal Liberals) . . . "Mr. Dithers has no idea about anything to do with taxpayers' money, he was only Finance Minister."

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Sunday traffic jam on 401

Were you caught in that terrible gridlock today, trying to come into Vancouver heading west before the Port Mann bridge? You were? Do you know what caused the traffic jam from Gagliardi Way to 176th Street on the "freeway"?
It was ONE RCMP Traffic cop who had his tripod radar setup in the CENTER of the freeway, in one place where the concrete medians sort of twist apart a bit. He had his car parked in between the HOV lanes and was stopping cars right there. NOT on the side of the road, but right there in the middle of the *#%@& 401 Trans Canada Highway!
What is WRONG with these guys? He was creating his own dangerous traffic hazard for many others! Was his quota so far behind that he was desperate to write tickets? That is insane. Do these policemen not get any guidance? Any training in common sense? Do they think that no one would dare crash into them because they have that uniform on? They need to realise that everyone is not as attentive as they should be, and the officer could easily have been run over.
Besides causing a 20 mile traffic jam, the RCMP should consider the potential of such a dangerous situation.
Too bad I just forgot my digital camera today or you'd have a picture about it.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Conspiracy theory 3 ... Microsoft

Wasn't it a few years ago that the US Government threatened Microsoft under antitrust laws? And didn't that interest disappear suddenly? Then it came back and they threatened to dismantle Microsoft into 3 separate companies? They feared Microsoft had way too much power because of their monopolistic position in the computer market?
Wait, wouldn't a monopoly be a GOOD thing if a government wanted to control its people and identify where they were and what they were saying and doing and thinking and the road was headed to everyone owning a computer? And most likely to have the Windows Operating System? Isn't Windows on 98% of all computers and XP on virtually every one?
When you go to a website, and then delete or clear all your cookies, and then go back to that website some time later, and they know who you are ... er, didn't Microsoft put a unique number into your operating system under the hype that it was a GOOD thing? Then under waves of protest from the public say that they wouldn't TURN ON that unique identifying number? Or at least YOU could turn it off? And doesn't your hard drive have a unique number too?
Didn't the FBI come out with a sneaky computer spy system called 'Carnivore' a few years ago, that could read the contents of any computer it wanted through your server? Then they changed the name because it seemed too ominous and scary and 1984ish? It could see every single email you sent to whoever and every word you typed into your hard drive or internet browser? Including every password you ever used? And didn't all this happen at about the same time as Microsoft introduced Windows 98? And didn't the US hold these server companies hostage by threatening to shut them down unless they installed Carnivore into their systems without telling anyone? Without telling their customers?
Doesn't Homeland Security have the power to do anything they want without telling anyone about what they are doing? To fight terrorism? Hmm.
Isn't Microsoft starting to add things now to updates of its software without making clear to technical people exactly what those updates are or what they do? In Windows Media player some technicians have compared Media Player 9.0 with Media Player 10.0 and can't find any differences? So why the automatic update?
Would the US government and Bill Gates have made a deal to allow Microsoft to continue as one company, so long as the Justice department had access to the Windows Operating System?
I don't know ... would they?

Er ... would the US government be that sneaky? Oops, never mind, I was here in the sixties.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Sheila Fraser is to Liberals as garlic is to vampires

Well she's at it again. Finding fault with the control over the taxpayer's money by the Liberal government. And they are cringing. She can't last much longer, can she? Who appoints her? Who could fire her? Would Paul Martin dare?
We had 100 million dollars of OUR money disappeared into the sponsorship scandal, now it seems we have 7.7 BILLION dollars gurgling its way down the drain into secretive foundations set up by the Liberals.

Taxpayer's Question
- Who in the Liberal government set up these 'foundations'?
Liberal Answer - We're not sure who it was.
Taxpayer - Who controls them?
Liberal Answer - We're not sure.
Taxpayer - Can't parliament just get information?
Liberal Answer - We don't think so
Taxpayer - Can't Sheila Fraser find out stuff?
Liberal Answer - She can't audit them.
Taxpayer - Why not?
Liberal Answer - They weren't set up to be audited.
Taxpayer - Can't we see what's happening to our taxpayer's money?
Liberal Answer- Treasury Board President Reg Alcock said he's satisfied with internal audits done by the foundations.
Taxpayer - So they audit themselves?
Liberal Answer - Yes.
Taxpayer - Are you joking?
Liberal Answer - Ahem. No.
Taxpayer - Can't we just withdraw our money from wherever it is?
Liberal Answer - We might not be able to, we're not sure where it is.
Taxpayer - Can we trust whoever runs these foundations?
Liberal Answer - They are independant corporations.
Taxpayer - Set up by the Liberals.
Liberal Answer - Umm. Yes.
Taxpayer - Are Chretien and Guite in there somewhere too?
Liberal Answer - Paul Martin was only in charge of the money. He doesn't know nothing about where it went.
Taxpayer - Hmm. Exactly. Can we trust Paul Martin?
Liberal Answer - He's a Liberal isn't he?
Taxpayer - Thank you very much.
Liberal Answer - Wait a minute, you know what I meant.
Taxpayer - Sure, and I know what I meant too.
Liberal Answer - Just think of Paul Martin as the Daddy looking after his family.
Taxpayer - Exactly, 'cept I don't think I'm part of his family.
Liberal Answer - (mumbling) damn Sheilarmm Frasmermmmn.
Taxpayer - What was that?
Liberal Answer - Nothing.

NHL season is over ... is not ... is so ...

The NHL season will be over January first if we don't get a deal.
Salary cap.
No salary cap.
The season is finished by the fifteenth of January.
Fans can't afford tickets.
Play in Sweden.
We need to start training.
No salary cap.
Salary cap.
By the end of January there won't be any season.
Play in Europe.
Play in AHL.
February first is it for sure.
Fire Bettman.
No cap.
February seventh deadline for NHL season.
Fire Goodenough.
Play in beer leagues.
Sunday midnight, February 13th ... or else.
Wednesday, February 16.
No cap.
3 pm.
ok 5 pm.
Is that your final answer?

(insert your time/date here)

... never mind. kerplunk.

Junior hockey is the best sports entertainment bang for the buck anywhere. There is a team near you. The puck drops on schedule. The players try hard. You don't need to be a CEO to buy a ticket. Go ahead, go to a game. It'll be fun.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Liberal sponsorship scandal in Quebec

Don't say I said it, but aren't all of the crooks in the Federal Liberal government sponsorship scandal from Quebec? (notice I said Federal there, because all the crooks in the BC Liberal government are not from Quebec)
Is this something new to you? Can we generalize that Quebec government officials are always corrupt? I didn't say that.
Alfonso Gagliano, sure, sounds Italian but his only connection with Italians is his alleged link with Eastern Mafiosi; Jean Brault; Chuck Giute; Pierre Tremblay; Brian Mulroney; Jean Carle, who admitted to creating a paper trail to hide money! And Jean Chretien's lawyers are continuing the counter-attack on Justice John Gomery by saying his remarks about Carle's recent bombshell revelation are 'inappropriate use of words' after Comery commented that if it were a drug deal, it would be like laundering money. Hmmm, what about inappropriate use of taxpayer's dollars? Of course we should consider Jean Chretien and Paul Martin in there too. (ok an English SOUNDING name but don't believe Martin is anything other than a Quebecker) Those lawyers will be pounding harder to end the scandal inquiry. Does anyone know if they are being paid from taxpayer's money?
Gagliano said he's been wrongly pictured as guilty ever since the scandal erupted, even though he did nothing wrong. (sic) "It affected my family, it affected my career," he told reporters, "It's a year I'm back from Denmark, I couldn't find a job ... "
Aww, poor crook. Oops, did I say the 'c' word again? Aren't there any WalMarts in Quebec?
Wait, is that Brian Mulroney's name up there too? Well he musta done somethin'. Wow, we thought Brian would be in there somewhere, especially since Stevie Cameron (who wrote On the Take) is wondering out loud where he got all his money.
So, it's confirmed then, yes? ... all the crooks in Canada's 'government' are Quebeckers.
I thought you'd agree.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

One law for you - one law for the rich. (2)

Well, another example of dual criminality surfaces.
(Read down for the 'Whitney Houston' law.)
It seems the authorities in LA aren't going to lay felony charges against Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress cum porn star. They quoted a lack of evidence in the case. Hmmm .... even though the incident was caught on tape of Paris stealing the video of her own sexual performance which was on sale at a newsstand, while all the time hurling insults at the newsvendor. Perhaps that tape will make the internet too.
I guess the DA wanted a hotel rate on his next vacation. One can hardly imagine the skinny little airhead as a porn star anyway. Wonder if she'll have a red-light room in all Hilton hotels when she takes over the chain? Maybe a mistress room at the Paris Hilton? Could be a money-maker if they make Ron Jeremy the hall porter. Ah, it's a simple life, isn't it?
Don't they charge 50 cents per toilet flush in Hilton hotels?

[always wear seat belts while driving in convertibles. always wear a condom if Paris is in the car]

WARNING: doing a Google Images search for paris hilton sex tape may bring up pictures of Rick Soloman, who now looks scared after having sex with her, President Bush who seems to be saluting her, and a police officer pointing a flashlight into your window and asking how much you've had to drink tonight.

Do I see Leona Hemsley in here somewhere?

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I am CANADIAN ... er... what?

Or I am AMERICAN! .... or .... um .... CANAM .... or AMCAN .... maybe MuriCANadian eh? .... or .... yo? or .... ah, something in between?
We know the smooth Belgian Stella Artois will tickle our tonsils on the way down. And no one needs tell us der Warsteiner is German. The Corona Extra cools the heat of salsa and is definitely Mexican. Ole! And could there be any doubt about origin of Kilkenny? Begora, the Irish brew has conjured up many a lovely lass after midnight. And Boddingtons compels us to get out the darts and be English.
Hmm ........... but just what IS Moldsons now? Moors? Coolsons?
There's just something wrong about a beer with no identity, isn't there?,1413,36~33~2684797,00.html

Groundhog Day.

As Groundhog Day falls on February 2nd, and the official first day of Spring in BC falls on February 1st. It doesn't matter if the creature sees his shadow or not, does it?

Spring - February 1

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Private BC liquor stores.

So now after the public said they don't want them, Gordon Campbell's BC Liberals are setting them up left and right. Your neighborhood could have one soon. Liquor stores are huge profit makers, the people of BC get the direct benefit of this largess. 3.1 BILLION in profits! AND 1.5 billion in sales and excise taxes. So why would anyone want to change it?
Aside from the emotional arguments about privatization of the sale of liquor in British Columbia, and the arguement recently introduced about organized crime becoming involved, and the fact that liquor prices went way higher in Alberta after privatization, and the fact that the employee in a BC liquor store has nothing to lose by refusing to sell a minor a case of beer and the private guy doesn't want to lose the sale, er ... well ok I am getting carried away. But let's look at the profit arguement only.
Say a bottle of Scotch costs $5 and the BC Government Store sells it for $10. Leaving $5 gross profit to play with. After deducting all operating costs, part of which are minimized because of central distribution and management, let's say we have $1 left in NET profit. That dollar goes to the people of BC through the government. WE get 3.1 billion of those each year!
So in a private operation, lets assume the same costs of that bottle of Scotch. $5. (quit drooling this is THEORETICAL!) Now that private liquor store operator has to import it himself, HUGE higher costs. But he counteracts that by paying minimum wages to his employees ... lower labour costs. (Some say at the expense of knowledgeable employees.) So let's just say the private operator ALSO comes out with $1 in net profit. Hmm good for him. If we could assume the same gross sales from private entrepreneurs, that means the 3.1 billions in profit goes wherever those liquor store owners want to spend it. Yes, WE as the people of BC still get the 1.5 billion in taxes, but we LOSE 3.1 BILLION DOLLARS!
Back to the above question; So why would anyone want to change it?
Why would Gordon Campbell want to take dollars away from the people of BC?


$10 Scotch? Where?