Monday, April 03, 2017

Singer Harry's Christmas Album


Singer Harry is about to begin recording his first Christmas album. There are some decorations evident. In the Control Room are the Musical Director KEVIN, his Personal Assistant GIRL, and the ENGINEER. They are watching through the glass as Singer HARRY dons a head-set in his sound booth. We hear the pre-recorded orchestral intro music. The song is Mistletoe and Holly.  


          Cue for Harry's Christmas Album.

The music swells, Singer Harry appears ready.

SINGER HARRY (singing)
          Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mister Toe and holly, tasty ...

          Cut! (laughing) 
          Go again, a little slip there, Harry. No problem.

SINGER HARRY   (looks oddly at them)
          Sure, Kevin.

The Engineer starts the music again.

          Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mister Toe and ...

          Cut!  Harry?

          What?   What's going on?

M.D. KEVIN   (trying to laugh)
          You did it again.

SINGER HARRY (puzzled, looks through glass at the others) 
          Did what again?

The Engineer glances at Kevin. P.A. Girl just shrugs, chews her gum.

          Harry, you're saying Mister TOE. 

SINGER HARRY  (after a pause, still staring) 
          Yeah, so?

          Okay, Ha ha. I get it. He's funny. Isn't he funny?

Musical Director Kevin looks to the others for confirmation that they also think Singer Harry is joking. They seem doubtful. Singer Harry is peering at them all.

P.A. GIRL  (nodding at Engineer)  
          He's funny.

          Yeah, funny.

          Harry, you're saying Mister Toe instead of Mistletoe.

          I am saying - Oh by gosh by jolly, it's time for Mister Toe and holly. 

          Now you said by gosh by JOLLY! It is mistletoe not MISTER TOE,  and golly not jolly.

          I've always sung it Mister Toe. That's the words.

M.D.KEVEN (exasperated)  
          No, they're not Harry, it is mistletoe, what you do at Christmas. Under the mistletoe, get it?

          We never had mistletoe since Mom and Neighbour Bill that time.

M.D. KEVIN  (sigh)
          Just do the words, Harry.

          Kevin, my uncle sang that song to me when I was four, and every year since. I know the song. 

P.A. GIRL  (whisper to Kevin)
          I think he thinks those ARE the words.

M.D. KEVIN (tapping his mic)
          Harry, your uncle was kidding you.

          How could he sing it all this time without knowing? It's the name of the song.

SINGER HARRY  (a bit defensive)
          Have you got the lyrics there?

          Seriously Harry? YOU said you didn't need the freakin' lyrics.

          I didn't bring the song sheet. He said he knew it all his life.

ENGINEER  (now covering his mic)
          Do we have to prove it to him?

          Harry, just sing mistletoe instead of Mister Toe. Okay?

The Engineer starts the music intro again. Singer Harry ignores it, taking off his headset.

          But I've always sang it like that.

          How could you? Didn't you ever wonder what Mister Toe meant?

Singer Harry thinks a bit, but just stares through the glass at Musical Director Kevin.

P.A. GIRL  (whispering aloud)
          Maybe he thinks a big toe comes down the chimney?

That is too much for Engineer and he tries to hide his laughter.

          Well what d'you think it means?

          Harry, there is no Mister-freakin'-Toe in the song! Can we just do this?

The intro music just keeps repeating.

          I can go and find the lyric sheet.

          I could use the overtime.

          You think it says mistletoe huh?

          I KNOW it says mistletoe. And it is golly not jolly. oh my gosh my GOLLY, not jolly. I mean BY gosh BY golly. Egad, you're making me crazy.

          Hey, jolly is good too.

P.A. GIRL  (solemnly shaking her head)
          No one's jolly here.

          Harry, we're not rewriting a new song. This one is an OLD song. Sinatra was a co-writer of it. Can you just do it with mistletoe and forget whoever the hell Mister Toe is?

          Hey, I'm easy, you got it.

The Engineer re-cues the intro and it starts. They all stare through the glass with trepidation at Singer Harry as he re-positions his head phones but needs to readjust and Engineer starts the intro yet once again. Singer Harry ends up holding just one earpiece to his ear.

SINGER HARRY  (singing again)
          Oh my gosh by golly, it's time for ... mistletoe and holly, poolside tables, Betty's Grables, peasants under the snow .....

The Engineer looks at Musical Director Kevin, throws up his arms in frustration but leaves it go.  P.A. Girl is wide-eyed with disbelief.

          Oh my gosh you tinkles,  Grammaw's got new wrinkles, Mother's drinking, Father's stinking, and no one knows where to go .....

The Engineer slowly turns down the volume in the control room.

          Oh jeeze (shakes his head) I needed this job.

The Engineer fades the music to the control room out. Musical Director Kevin turns away and thumbs through a notebook.

          We paid for the orchestra. They said it would be easy.

P.A. Girl is strengthening her mascara while blowing bubble gum. Engineer takes a comic book from under his console, then a rolled cigarette from behind his ear and sniffs it. Musical Director Kevin just hangs his head.

We watch Harry in the booth, there is no audio now and he is not heard but we see he is totally oblivious while singing his heart out!

We pan back to the console room, there is no one there.



Saturday, February 18, 2017

Hysterical photographs

"Der Fuhrer is gonna shit when he finds out no one brought the chairs."
"Don't be lookink at me, Doesnitz vas supposed to bring dem."
                "Oh schnitzel, I forgot to tell him."                    

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Historical Photos

Alain Delon - Legs - Mick Jagger

                                       Delon                                Legs:                          Jagger
                            I am going to take                  Oh you silly.               Might not be suavy
                             your dress off one                                                   like him but I don't 
                              feather at a time.                                                     drop me freakin' 
                                                                                                            ashes on the carpet.

Friday, April 08, 2016

I can't keep up.

I don't know who are the good guys, the bad guys or the semi bad guys or the almost good good guys. There might even be mediocre guys too. (But I think we might be them)

We can be pretty sure North Korea is bad. Or at least their leader Kim Jong Un, is. Buffoons can be threatening like clowns.

We thought Saddam Hussein was good, then bad. But that was because the USA told us and so we bombed him and then hanged him. But Saddam and his Bath party were Sunnis in power in a mostly Shia Iraq, then he got kicked out by America for being mean to the Kurds which no one gave a shat about before. Some believe that if we had left Saddam Hussein alone and in power, the Middle East would be just fine like it was. With Iraq being the buffer zone between Shia Syria and Shia Iran.

So Saddam tells the US Ambassador that the Kuwaitis are side drilling and stealing Iraq's oil. USA says nothing to do with us. Saddam attacks Kuwait. Suddenly it IS something to do with USA. Bush Jr. attacks Saddam. And we have the second Gulf war. (by the way, the Emir of Kuwait promised the US he would install Democracy if they helped him) Not yet.
But the US arms industry along with Halliburton-Dick Cheney needed a timely war after Saddam thumbed his nose at Bush senior while staying in power after that first Gulf War.
So that basically created ISIS out of the displaced Sunnis who fled Saddam's Iraq under the second American bombardment/invasion. And now Iraq's power (and oil) is in the hands of Shia Mulslims. Sort of. (Iraqi oil has been privatized of course, and safely in the hands of American interests, exactly what Hillary wants to do with Mexico's state run oil industry) And which she screwed up in Libya resulting now in ISIS having control of the oil instead of America. Or Libya.

So Iran is Shia and the Saudis are Sunni. Syria is Shia. They are murdering their own people who are sometimes called rebel fighters. Whenever the media uses 'fighters' it is to minimize your thoughts of it being a religious war. USA was fighting against ISIS who are against the Syrian army. Makes your head spin, doesn't it? And we cannot just blame Muslims, because the US and other arms industries are not Muslim. Heathen maybe, but not Muslims.

And the Kurds who were mercilessly persecuted by Saddam, which was okay when the West liked Saddam Hussein and his 25% of the world's oil reserves, are now fighting Syria. But the Turks hate the Kurds and have started attacking them (the PKK) across their border with Northern Iraq. Of course USA loves the Kurds now because they are fighting ISIS. The same folks who were killing them under Saddam when they were Iraqis. Meanwhile the USA gets an airbase in Turkey. From which to launch airstrikes against ISIS, but not the Kurds because they are on the same side. (As the USA not Turkey, I think) Whew. The USA keeps fighting ISIS with air strikes against pick-up trucks. Some vehicles were even sent from America. Meanwhile the Turks are said to be buying oil from ISIS.

Then Assad of Syria invites the Russians back and they flash airstrikes across Syria and kill thousands of ISIS targets. Even Trump says that is a good thing if they want to fight a common enemy he would welcome them when America is using a million dollar cruise missile to destroy a 400 dollar Toyota.

But the new bogeyman Putin is outmaneuvering Obama at every turn and seems to have the Sunni ISIS in retreat.
Don't worry, Canada is in there too with 4 (four) airstrikes in the last few months and they might have blown a desert latrine to smithereens! What the hell, says ISIS, sand covers it up just fine. Remember the second Gulf War when Canada sent a warship to the Red Sea and it got there just when the war was over and everyone was having ice cream on the beach!

Wait, now we get to Gadhaffi in Libya repenting his bad boy past and becoming a friend of America. But that's not good enough, too late says Hillary Clinton, we have plans for Libya, so she vetoes his proposal of democracy and takes him out and sends North Africa into total turmoil including her Benghazi action which ended with Americans being killed including their Ambassador!  And confusion and terror is spreading across North Africa right now before we even know who is who? Egypt's Arab Spring seems forgotten for the moment but the fomenting of trouble is working in Tunisia.

Take a breath and know that Kim Jong Un is still THE bad guy.  (But no one knows what to do with him because China likes him.) And China are bad good guys or maybe good bad guys. Depending on what America wants to sell them while ignoring their huge trade deficit.

Osama bin Laden
Meanwhile bin Laden is dead. Maybe for sure this time. Many think that Bill Clinton got him years ago with a cruise missile at Tora Bora when he was hiding in the caves. Bad mistake, a great use of a bogeyman gone too soon. Wasted, and you can't waste a good bad guy when you need to keep the population in check. There's no telling what laws could have come into effect with bin Laden on the loose!
Osama bin Faken
Homeland Security was drooling at the prospect of arming every police force in America with state-of-the-art military weapons. (You see the US Constitution declares that the Government can never us the Army on American soil against its own people. So the Pentagon has quietly gone about giving local police forces the latest military equipment, thereby creating a ready-made Army on American soil that isn't really an army. Maybe just thugs)

The good-bad guys didn't want bin Laden dead to Americans. He was too valuable to scare their own people. So the CIA tried to keep him alive through various fakes and look-nearly-alike actors. But none of that was working so they raided his alleged Pakistan hideout and Navy Seals killed him. Or did they? Virtually ALL the Seals in that operation were killed later under mysterious circumstances.
And the only pic is of a bin Laden watching 'Little House in the Desert' on TV while all hell breaks lose in his compound with three helicopters and Seal Team Six! (go ahead and laugh, most anyone who was paying attention laughed too)
And even lately, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has said bin Laden is alive and well and living in the Bahamas! He might be staying with Jacques Brel.

And now Lebanon is hell. Jorden is treading a fine line. Israelis and Palestinians are at each other's throats. The Saudis are bombing Yemen, but staying out of Iraq/Iran. Oh yes, the Ayatollah of Iran signs a nuclear deal with the USA. What? Be careful Ayatolla, Saddam and Gaddafi were pro American too. Just before they were deposed and murdered.

And the so-called Five Eyes Nations, America, Canada, Britain, Australia and New Zealand are spying on all of us. (info courtesy of Edward Snowden) And if we have any common sense, we must admit that these Five Eyes can be bad guys too because they are spying on each other, including the US CIA spying on Britain, Germany's Angela Merkel,  French President Hollande, the Dutch, Spanish and every one in between. Basically everyone else in the whole freakin' world! (caught spying on 38 embassies!)
And in South America. Brazil hates America now because they spied on President Dilma Rouseff. Venezuela is in turmoil, because they have oil and wouldn't follow USA policies. So we have an alliance of BRICS nations. Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa loosely standing together against the good guys/bad guys.

So it is almost impossible to select the good guys or the bad guys without an engineering  schematic, but it all depends on who writes the program. And which direction the wind is blowing.
The famous coded telegram from Japan in 1941 said 'East Wind, rain.' which was their signal to start their war.

Damn, which way IS the wind blowing now?

We can't tell because only seven companies control 90% of the media and they are the ones feeding us info, from their perspective, from their agenda. Your only hope of any semblance of what is really happening in the world is alternative media.

Could be that one side in this endless war for world dominance is wearing black beards and dusty fatigues while the other is wearing Alexander Amosu pinstriped suits. ($142,800. at a store near you) You have to open up the package to see who is shooting who, but both sides bleed just the same.

I can't keep up, who ARE those guys anyway?

And I haven't even got to the Rothschilds and Rockefellers or the Bilderberg Conferences.

Nissan Nismo pole lap Le Mans

A ride-in of the complete Le Mans circuit that won the pole position for Mark Blundell in 1990. Insane speed that he said was anticipating a massive accident all the way around. 
Imagine starting your turn at 200 mph long before the corner even appears! The Mulsanne Straight is positively scary. This takes ice-water in your veins, intense bravery and phenomenal skill in an incredibly fast race car.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Last Chance Santa

     Joe - Dear Santa, this year I want a Ferrari, red; and a bow and arrow (again); and a small boat for fishing, not too big, just enough for days on the lake; and that 50 inch hi def TV I saw in Best Buy; and tickets to all the Pro games in this city; and maybe a box of Cubans; and a couple cases of that Stella girl's beer.

    Santa - Wait a minute, Joe, kids don't smoke Cubans or drink beer, who you trying to fool?

     Joe - I'm not a kid, Santa, I'm a fifty-six year old male whose been writing you for 51 years and you haven't come through yet. Its time you did.

     Santa - Well sorry to disappoint you, Joe, old guy, but I don't deliver ridiculous gifts to the withered gray elderly.

     Joe - That's cruel. Maybe you might want to start. You can't expect to ignore a little boy-teenager-middle management guy-now divorced-unemployed-full grown man forever without him being ticked off and looking into your situation.

     Santa - Situation? I just work my ass off packing presents for every kid in the world, and deliver the whole frigging mess on one night. That's the situation.

     Joe - You never thought anyone was gonna find out what you do up there the rest of the year though, did you? I noticed you changed most of those ugly little warty elves to pretty perky girlie elfs for starters. And they don't wear the green Loden jackets and pointy caps  now do they? You shop for them secretly at Victoria's, don't you. I heard some of them might be thespians.

     Santa - I give them auditions  .... sometimes. Who told you about that? 

     Joe - Never mind, and all the new ones do is sit around filing their nails. And those working elves you fired are getting uglier too, they're saying things about you, and mad about not having their one lusty day a year with Mrs. Claus while you are out flying across the skies.

     Santa - You can't prove any of this. Mrs. Claus was tired of the toy factory and had the elves diligently making 10 inch Leaning Towers of Pisa out of wax. We've been estranged since. And you're not getting any Ferrari either.

     Joe - You're pretty smug Santa, never thought anyone would check the Geographic North Pole did you? Everyone was looking at the Magnetic North Pole.

     Santa - I can tell you're dumb, Joe, anyone who wrote to me for 51 years with no reply just doesn't get it. I'll give you the six pack of beer and that's it. It is Stella Artois by the way.

     Joe - Nothing artsy about Stella, she's the one with the big red lips. They are those candy ones and you didn't even notice. Could have sent Kaitlin and Rue Paul up there too you horny old curmudgeon. That's what you get when you hire from Craigslist Gigs.

     Santa - What do you want, Joe? You can't destroy a legend, people love me all around the world. Main Stream Media won't even give you a minute on TV. They're having too much fun giving out NORAD reports of where I am flying. Kids are listening with their greedy little hearts pumping Red Bull.

     Joe - Oh yeah? Look what happened to Fatty Arbuckle, and that wasn't true. What
about the WMDs and that Saddam guy? He got hanged, you know, and not under the Christmas tree either. You can be destroyed with innuendo,  I just have to say you know Charlie Sheen!  And what if I start calling you Sinterklaas, you know how Fox News reports on anything Germanic.

     Santa - You're stretching now, Joe. I can tell you've got nothing on me. Just go ahead and take the rejection again. I'll toss in four Cubans. Now go away, I've got work to do.

     Joe - Is part of your work, dancing with Sugar Plum soccer Moms while Hubby snores upstairs on Christmas Eve?

     Santa - I show my appreciation for milk and cookies and hubby's 12 year old Scotch, that's all. 

     Joe - You're out of it, Santa, the elves don't even like you, they replaced Blitzen last year with a Clydesdale named Henry and you missed it altogether. What work? Saying a sweet goodbye to your girlie elfs?

     Santa - We are equal opportunity employers up here, Joe. Take the deal. I'm putting you on the block list. You know damned well that you can say what you want about me now in December 24, 2015, but by December 24 in 2016 they'll have forgotten it all. It's the way the world works, Joe, people now think Darth Cheney is the good guy, he has his own action figure! Take the deal.

     Joe - I need the bow and arrow, Santa, that was in my first letter fifty one years ago. And every one since. Last chance, Santa or I tell all, including the elfie massage with the 'happy ending'.

     Santa - Ok, you get the bow, now go back to your Mother's basement and behave yourself.

     Joe - Thank you Santa. Merry Christmas.

     Santa - Piss off, Joe.

Merry Christmas

     Santa - Psst! He's not getting the arrow though.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Everybody's favorite dog

The Mountain Dew Dancing Dog

I want one. 

(better than the Jimmy Fallon panda?)

Sunday, June 14, 2015

What's it like? over 200 MPH at night on a country road in France? Le Mans 2015.
 (watch top right on ad to click off in 5 seconds)


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Karate Mantis

Mister Miyagi where are youuuuuuuuuuu? 
I don' think it's gonna work this time!

Use the Force, Luke.

OMG wrong fuckin' movie, Sensei! 

Wash the car then, Grasshopper. 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Einstein's Theory of Lost Paper

E=mc2  -  -  -  Elsa, milk and 2 cookies or 3?

"Mine pretty Liebchen Elsa, haf you perhaps found a leetle piece of paper mit writing on it? Maybe mit E=mc3 or 4 or 8 on it? I seem to have lost der scrap."

"Albert, you know I stay out of there since I erased your blackboard that time and you said I caused an eclipse.  The note I found only said E=MC something so I brought you milk and cookies how you like.  Maybe you meant More Chalk, I don't know. But if you had not eaten them zo fast mein Grandpapa, ve could count zem to see vhat your note said."


Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Lies men NEED to tell.

So I am not talking about having a lusty wild affair with that new Fifi girl in the mail room. The one who says she is from France but wears CK pour hommes and seems to know lots about Seattle. If you're going to lie about her, you're on your own. The best you can do with that one is to get her fired so your wife never sees her.

I am talking about lies that are way more serious than Nights in White Satin in a Motel Six.

Like if Wifey starts out with, "Honestly now ..." that is a bright red flag, and the clue that imminent and immediate deception needs to take place, and if it is followed with "Does my ass look big in these pants?"  You have to take intensive, evasive and distractive action right away.  No chance for the joke you are thinking of, 'If the pants were black and it was dark, then no.' No.
You need something bold while keeping your mouth shut, like having a sudden heart attack. Even though NO woman expects truth on that one. Falling on the floor clutching your chest should work. Keep in mind that you might have to spend the night in hospital full of prickly tubes stuck into you. The alternative is bone fractures, her refusing to call 9-1-1, and an ongoing freeze!
Let me give you another example ....
Voice from somewhere, "Did I hear you cutting your hair in the bathroom after I just washed the floor?" Your answer has to be NO. You NEED to lie. But it requires further action. You have to have a sudden attack of diarrhea to be able to get back into the bathroom right away before she does! And then you are boxed in to retaining the deception all day. Hopefully you have some crossword puzzles in there. A convincing performance here will often result in sympathy for most of the day.
But wait! Don't walk out of there until you have scrutinized the floor for clipped hairs from four inches away. And you'd better really poop because if there is no regular stink Sherlock/Wifey will surely catch you out.

You see. There are instances where you definitely have a need to lie.

Another one might be, "You didn't finish off all that chocolate cake did you? That is for Myrtle and Alfred tonight."
You cannot say no with your mouth full. The only way out of this one is to destroy the remains. Crumbs. Smudges, everything. Even throw the dish out if you have to. And put your mouth under the kitchen tap and rinse! She's on her way into the freakin' kitchen! Be sure it's cold water you panicked idiot!  You've got to make her believe the cake was gone two days ago but she forgot! Besides you don't even like Myrtle and Alfred. If he can't be called Al or Fred, well he's got some issues. Put the damn plate inside your shirt! She'll look under the sink.

She's never trusted you since that red sweater/white bra incident in the laundry room.  When you said the pinkness of the bra was because you cut your finger on the clasp. You were like a dog who pooped on the floor and then pretended he didn't even live there. Choose your lies more carefully, and remember you can't blame the dog when you don't have one. You only got off that one because you TRIED to do the laundry. There is help and then there is hindrance. You are the latter, go out and fix the lawnmower and try not to put your toe under it.

Okay, so here's another one; "You did remember to mail my letter, right? It needs to be delivered by Tuesday or I won't get the free offer." Not answering won't work. Even if you need time to think. So in a flash you know where that letter is, don't you. It's inside your jacket, the one you had on when you promised, and she was going off to work and you had the day off to linger and loiter all day. NOW what 're you gonna do?
Ah, take the dog for a walk and sneak to the mailbox.
Read up a few sentences if you need to.
No dog.
Don't panic again. Just say Yes, and we'll handle the logistics later. You could say, 'Honey I told you I would.' But that suspicious non-answer might compound the bone fractures! And she is well programmed for cross-examination! She knows you, married you and lives with you, remember. You could act like a police suspect and say, "Who me?" each time she addresses you, but you did that one already on Grandma's broken cake plate.
Just figure out how you can get to that mailbox before the pickup time at 8 pm. A sudden interest in the galaxy won't work either.

And it has recently been revealed that border agents look for specific behavior when trying to discover deception, so you might use this information wisely. Yawning, a sure giveaway that you are hiding something. And dangerous too if you're yawning while she's seeking serious answers ... close your freakin' mouth.
Whistling. If she asks you a question DON'T start whistling, wives are way smarter than border agents.
Do we actually need to say that 'profusely sweating' is a total tip off?

"Why don't you like my mother?" You don't have a Yes or No option here. The question assumes the answer. And no matter what you say it has to be a lie. You need to lie. You need to say you DO like her. The truth is like a guillotine already set loose above your neck! But before you can conjure a feeble response, she follows with, "Where is the shirt she got you for Christmas?"
So now you can't let her put groceries in the trunk, can you? That lovely red shirt with the snowflakes on it was just the thing for Armouralling your tires wasn't it? And you just chucked it in there!
And now you're imagining that a sleeve is poking out under your trunk lid, and your mind is in a blizzard of snow as you imagine a cop pulling you over because he thinks the red flag is someone signalling from inside there, and he asks you to open your trunk, and now a puzzled Wifey is getting out to see the trunk contents too. And you are freaking out nervous and now so is the cop!
You stand there in an unfocused silence until Wifey looks concerned and says, "You okay Hon'?"
Okay, it'll work this time, but having a stomach ache when you were seven only worked a few times, and senility doesn't suddenly descend on you only when prickly questions are asked. Guide her back into the car while leaving the open trunk for the cop to dig through, he'll see the shirt and feel sorry for you.

One more: You're at your computer and you get a joke in your email. It is from a friend of a friend. An acquaintance if you will. Who happens to be female. It is funny. You tell it to your wife. And realize your mistake right away. Before she laughs, Wifey says, 'Who sent you that?" Red flag again! You've learned to read through the feigned innocence, haven't you. If you dare say a girl I know, and before that flag has a moment to flutter in the breeze from your churning mind, or your smile has time to fade, her next Q will be, "Who? How do you know her? She has your email?"
Well it seemed funny and worth sharing when you first read it. But now you understand how spontaneous combustion works and you have to invent a guy at your work who sends you stuff. You just cannot say she is your buddies GF and has a great sense of humor, and somehow she has you on her 'group send' list. You need to lie. And delete before she wants to read it herself! It still won't be funny even if it was funny.

There was a small time criminal who said he beat lie detectors all the time by drinking six Cokes before the event, but running off to the old downstairs fridge isn't an option either. And burping while she's asking you something is just plain rude. The shakes from the colas might help but you are on treacherous ground.

I don't know if this helps but it is a forewarning to start paying attention. You need to come through the border of your house with a smuggled live Iguana on your head and be able to say it is a lizard hat.  God help you if it flicks its tongue at her. You must be prepared to fool the Border Patrol and Wifey at the same time.

Good luck with that.

Ever thought of telling the truth?

Get a dog, they like you even if you blame them for everything!