Thursday, November 20, 2014

Obesity = fat people = $


Get your wallet out. Fat people are costing you two trillion dollars a year.


Yes, a recent study shows that people who are over-weight cost more to the economy than all the health costs of smoking, the combined impact of armed violence, wars going on right now and world terrorism.

Consider this impact. Start with armed violence.  You get mugged one night and can't go to work the next day because you have a bullet lodged in your skull. That's gonna hurt the economy.
Fat people are worse that that.
not really funny


You want to go into that building to pay your bills but you can't get past the smokers standing outside. So you become delinquent on your bills. Their puffing hurts the economy. But fat people are worse than that too.
Or you go past a hospital and see that tubby standing outside the door in his jammies with an IV drip plugged into his arm while dragging on a fag! He's just had a freakin' lung operation for Pete's sake and look what he's doing! Fat people are worse.

And even those wild-eyed bearded basement plotters plugging away with plans to destroy the skinny and plump people of the democracies are still not costing you as much    as        fat      people.


The estimated annual medical cost of obesity in the U.S. was $147 billion in 2008 U.S. dollars, what the heck is it now in 2014? And the medical costs for people who are obese were $1,429 higher than those of normal weight. See what it is?

The impact of fat people's gluttony takes up 2.8 percent of global gross domestic product!  And 2.1 BILLION people are now obese! How many zeros IS that? I'll tell you what it is, it's a porky 30 percent of the entire global population.  (34.9 % in America) These waddlers in red pants are costing everyone!
Jabba the Hutt

Nearly half of the world's population will be overweight by 2030. Global warming? What about global tipping? Do we want to end up living like Australians? Upside down. Fat people might cause that tip. The magnetic poles are shifting. Is it because so many fat people are generating their own gravity and magnetation? Did you notice if birds are now flying east or west for the winter?
BMI, Body Mass Index for a normal person should be less than 25. If you are 300 lbs and 5'6" tall your index would be 55! Obese on any scale. 

What are we gonna do about this plague of quivering breathing expanding gelatin encased in stretched skin? Ask Jenny Craig for help? Not an option, look how many people she has fired for rebounding. Weight Watchers doesn't actually say weight losing. Do they take the mirrors out of your house and put carnival mirrors in? Dr. Atkins? Dr. Pshaw might be better! Personal trainers? Gyms? Machines?
Discipline? OMG, anything but will power!

Black people have the highest rates of obesity at about 47.8% while whites are not that far back at 32.6%. Chinese are way down there at 10.8%. Do fat people get beri beri from rice! Noooo. Statistics show that as Third World economies emerge into prosperity, the ratio of fat people rises in proportion! And today in our society it is becoming so-called Morbid Obesity, weighing twice a normal weight!

What can be done about it?
Is prosperity the cause?  All the gadgets and gizmos that are supposed to make life easier for us are causing us to relax into a lethargic smudge?  Not television but the TV remote? Too far to walk way over there. If you watch any TV you'll be aware of the massive flood of fast food advertising, all slobbery and dripping with deceitful enticement. Can Jamie Oliver overcome Guy Fieri?  Can the Mediterranean Diet beat the Big Whopper? We know who's losing.


The new cars don't even ask you to lift your foot across to the brake pedal! They brake the car for you! Your smart phone even puts words into your text on your behalf. Not always with intended results. Saves your thumbs for holding that bulging burger.
Should we get tickets for being fat?  Fat cops patrolling? No wait, there are too many fat cops already. Maybe CCTV could just use body recognition to send you tickets.
keep eating and you're still dead
Couldn't the NSA and CSIS be watching what fat people are eating instead of surveilling Julian Assange and Snowden? Maybe they should send a SWAT team to raid jelly donut factories and shoot a few more holes in them?  What about a narrow gate at the doors of bakeries?  Maybe close down all the Walmarts? That's where they seem to congregate. You've got those emails too, yes? And you don't want to shout 'Butterball' in a Walmart.


Will power might work. With a threat. Use the Force, Luke, or Jabba the Hutt will eat you.

Do I really need to list this?  Obesity causes or is closely linked with a large number of health conditions, including heart disease, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, unhealthy cholesterol, asthma, sleep apnea, gallstones, kidney stones, infertility, and as many as 11 types of cancers, including leukemia, breast, and colon cancer. No less real are the social and emotional effects of obesity, including discrimination, lower wages, lower quality of life and a likely susceptibility to depression. Whew.

The WHO, World Health Organization has recognized obesity as a global epidemic. There is actually such a thing today as a Fat Phobia Scale, to measure how much people hate fat people. Maybe it is time to be cruel to the ones afflicted with the disease of obesity? Instead of psychologists continually studying fat people and making up new names for the aspects of obesity - like what is her Fatness Quotient?  We could be honest. Couldn't we?

Tell it like it is, is that cruel? To tell them they are the fat people. If you have to move your mirror into the hall and walk to the other end to get your body inside the frame, you are fat. You need to toss out the chocolate cake and cherry pie and endless fries and free refills. And we need to toss out political correctness and replace it with honesty.


Which might well be the kindness needed to help them. And save the world economy.





Harvard obesity prevention

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Coming soon to the NHL

Greed. Someone at NHL headquarters has figured out that the league could pocket another 2 billion dollars by having corporate logos on the jerseys of hockey players! Brilliant.
And not only that, but they want to bring back the once tried and failed illuminated puck. Which was brought in because some genius said Americans cannot see the puck during the play. And having a colored swoosh following it would illuminate the game for all those Arizona Republicans and Florida Octagenarians to see. Did I say swoosh? OMG! we're going to have a Nike puck!

"Did you see it that time, Martha?"
"No Harold, I saw him wave his thing around though. And then they started screaming, can you turn it down?"
"Whaat?"

But about those logos on the NHL sweaters. I don't know what you're thinking, but I am imagining the game calling as it happens in the future NHL. You must have noticed that your favorite TV shows no longer have that tag at the end which sums up the show, and has credits rolling over it. Yes, folk, they have added about two more minutes of commercials! But sorry, let's go back to the NHL jerseys, professional sports and the point; greed.

The corporate logo is coming. When you buy the jersey of your favorite player, say Kevin Bieksa, it could have a big FORD logo where the Orca used to be. And on the back, under his name, it might say, 'Brought to you by the new Ford Fusion.'  Not a nanosecond of confusion for NHL brainstormy executives.

So what is the game going to sound like when you hear it? I can tell you, not like the old Danny Gallivan days for sure ....  'Richard shoots and scooorrrrres." They might need fast-talker experts to call it.
This is how it could go .....

"Bieksa brought-to-you-by-Ford brings the puck out from behind his net, a short pass to Dan Hamhuis famous-Black-Forest-hamhocks and a tap over to Daniel Sedin Kia-Sedona-for-reliability who circles inside the Blue-Mountain-coffee line and there's the slap-pass to Henrich Re/Max for-condo-living-homes Sedin! Ooh the Nike puck hopped over his Timberland stick. But a hard hit along the Rona boards and Burroughs A&W no-steroids-chicken recovers, a drop pass back to Zack Kassian Denturists-R-US and he shoots!    Oh! stopped by Roberto Monsanto-is-good-for-you Luongo!  We'll be right back after these messages."
Is cacophony the word?

"Martha, do we have enough toilet paper rolls to last?"
"Harold, you always drove that Olds too fast."

Are you ready for it? Some believe the game might be too fast to call unless they put a sand floor in the player's boxes to slow them down a bit. And the new look NHL audio calls will have no room for the old multisyllable words like 'discombobulated' and  'accelerated', or 'scintillating' or even 'altercation' and 'pugilism'. 'Hack' 'whack' and 'smack' will be about it. (apologies to Tommy Larscheid)


And can you imagine that a constantly whirring, flashing and darting puck might bring on an epileptical dazzle by the end of the first period, tardive dyskinesia before the third and tinnitus for the next two weeks! There's going to be a team in Las Vegas, you just KNOW there will be flashing lights on that casino uniform. These guys have stars in their eyes that don't twinkle! Even the Ice Girls won't be able to calm your frazzled mind. Notice the ad on her hip .... you haven't gotten to the hip yet?  Never mind.

Advertising everything, everywhere all the time is what the NFL/NBA thrives on, is the NHL bound to follow? The boards started it all. 'Fly Emeritates' as you fling headlong into them? Are they supplying the sand? Now the glass behind the goalie has CGI ads on it. The stairs are cleverly painted to sell you something before you can get out. All in the name of extra revenue. Is the game being lost in the quagmire of messages? And how many corporations will be lining up for a logo imprint? Dodge RAM of course, but don't put me on a Swede? Viagra? There's a natural.  Microsoft won't be there, micro and soft just don't do it. You'll be Googled after a hard hit, and the tunnel for players will be the YouTube. Wolfgang's restaurants? The puck stops here?
Okay okay, I'll stop, but you know the assault on your senses will continue. Smell anything yet? Burnt rubber?

Eat your Sidney Crosby Wheaties, drink your Alex Ovechkin Stolichnaya and quit complaining.

Sheeez, no, you don't eat the Wheaties IN the Stoli!


Maybe you do.



   

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Dark theater - scary movie in 3D



"Psst! Fred. It's me, Bruce. Do you mind if I put my hand on your thigh like this? I feel a little afraid."



Friday, September 19, 2014

Invention of the Xray machine



Xrays were invented in 1895 by German physicist Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen.




They reveal what was always suspected of Fraulein Puezy.





Film and TV production in BC


So Christy Clark, the BC Film industry is doing okay now? Sure it is.

The following is from a casting web site showing productions across Canada, all you need to know is that a "T" means Toronto, and a "V" means Vancouver.  Look under Cities.
Guess who is benefiting by employing thousands of actors, technicians and crews. Not British Columbia. Checked on September 19th, 2014. (Casting Director name has been removed)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
             
                                   

Why are destructive projects like mines or pipelines that might use a few hundred employees and bring 500 million to the BC economy over many years get the go ahead and support of the BC Liberal government while ignoring a steady repeating business like film and TV that used to bring in over a billion dollars a year without damaging the environment at all?
Well if you follow the money there's only one answer isn't there?

Stay to the end of any TV show and watch how many people are employed by that show.  They could be your neighbors and friends, all being paid well and contributing to the BC economy.



addenda: after months of pressure to match the tax breaks that Ontario is giving to their film industry, the BC Liberal government refused to change any of their tax policies on BC Film production, and consequently, TV, movie and commercial production has fallen drastically as you can see by the comparison chart.  (you need to know that any tax incentives given to film production companies are figured after the company has employed and paid local BC people. It is not a gift)
In spite of the facts the BC Liberal government recently, [October] said that because of their tax breaks, film production is booming. ??? Tell a lie often enough and some will begin to believe it!

But not all.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

All's fair in love and war and racing!



At Silverstone race track in England.




Rules? What rules?

GIF - via jobe/Imgur


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Rover


Guy - "Honey, have you seen my cigarettes?"
Wife - "No, I'm looking for Rover. I'll give him a call."

Rover - "Sheez, give a dog a break awready, I'm sick of that dry kibble shit."





Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Clean up? Anyone know how?

 Promo tourism pictures for the town of Likely, BC.


 The Mount Polley sludge mine tailings disaster could be with us for decades! Imperial Metals, the mine operators say they will make it right. Do they really think they can? Do we believe they can? The town of Likely, BC, might as well have been destroyed too. And the Caribou Regional District has declared a local state of emergency. And so far, it seems no one even has a clue what to do.

In the Kalamazoo river bitumen spill, at which cleaning up has been ongoing for years now, much of it was very simple. You drove the cleanup equipment up to the riverbank and basically started vacuuming the black sludge. Even then Enbridge crews have been called back again and again because the black tar bitumen lies on the bottom of the river and continues to seep into the Kalamazoo fresh water stream!

In the area of this tailings dam breach, there are NO roads beside the river!  How do you get equipment up there? Can you vacuum up those tons of sludge? Hazeltine was a creek, no boats could navigate it! There is literally nothing that can be used to make this right.

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has ordered Canada's largest pipeline company to return to the Kalamazoo river to dredge areas where the agency believes remains of the heavy bitumen fossil fuel have collected. The March 2013 order came nine months after most of the 56-kilometre stretch of the river affected by the spill was reopened to the public.
The Kalamazoo incident is the largest onland spill in the history of the U.S., and has already cost Enbridge more than $1 billion.

Do we really think there is enough equipment and expertise in the world to 'make it right' in our streams and lakes around the wilderness of BCs rough terrain? Will Quesnel Lake be able to support the sockeye salmon fishery?  Will these toxic chemicals eventually seep into the Fraser River? Or will the BC government tell us it's all okay because we have lots of fish farms instead?
The CEO of Imperial Metals could not even tell us what chemicals or heavy metals were even IN that tailings pond. If they are used in the mining operation shouldn't he and WE know what they are? Shouldn't Energy and Mines Minister Bill Bennett already know too? If there is an investigation into this, be aware that Bill Bennett will steer it away from any chance of finding himself irresponsible for being oblivious to his own ministry!

Hazeltine Creek, once two meters wide. (photo Global News)
The breach sent 10 million cubic metres of water and 4.5 million cubic metres of metals-laden sand out into local waterways, scouring away the banks of Hazeltine Creek and sending debris flowing into Quesnel Lake and Polley Lake, which rose 1.5 metres.

This is incredible. Big business in BC has had it their way for years with little supervision, and no accounting for their actions. It is time they were called to pay up. And the so called guardians of our wonderful British Columbia, the BC Liberal party and everyone who deserted their due diligence in this should be turfed out of office and an election called to replace these corrupt and incompetent people!

Watch for this company to go bankrupt to avoid responsibility and costs. And they probably just don't have the money to do the job anyway. Leaving the bill in the hands of British Columbians! Criminal charges for the executives must be considered, and the MLAs who allowed these companies to police themselves, Bill Bennett, Christy Clark and Mary Polak, should go too. But do not expect it when they'll be the ones controlling any future fallout.

Devastation - (photo Global News)

 
Do we just seal off the area like Chernobyl and pretend it isn't there?  Bill Bennett says he will now go around and check mine tailings ponds. From a helicopter so he can make it back to the trough to have dinner with more mining executives? Staples have probably sold out of brown envelopes.

And Enbridge is waiting in the wings to get going with their Northern Gateway Project in BC. And in case you were wondering, an Enbridge executive once said they would form another separate company to run the pipeline. Why? So they can just let that company declare bankruptcy in the case of a tar spill and step away from the responsibility? They don't want another Kalamazoo river to deal with. Some think so.


What happens in the Mount Polley region in the immediate future will be a portent to all of BC about mining and pipeline projects.
And a warning to the people of BC who are standing by while some businesses are getting away with the murder of our trees, lakes, rivers and even towns and used the argument that it was good for our economy. If it costs taxpayers 1 billion dollars will that be good for us?

Our government trusted the mining company to manage their operations.
We trusted our government to oversee how they were doing it.
Both have mismanaged the job and betrayed our trust.

Time to step up and speak out, folks. Action is required.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
addenda:
Substances listed as disposed off on-site in Imperial Metals’ 2013 Mount Polley Mine report -
  • Phosphorus – 41,640 tonnes
  • Manganese – 20,988 tonnes
  • Copper – 18,413 tonnes
  • Vanadium – 5,047 tonnes
  • Zinc – 2,169 tonnes
  • Cobalt – 475 tonnes
  • Nickel – 326 tonnes
  • Antimony – 14 tonnes
  • Arsenic – 406,122 kg
  • Lead – 177,041 kg
  • Selenium – 46,136 kg
  • Cadmium – 6,487 kg
  • Mercury – 3,114 kg
Can we make a nice cocktail for the CEO?

addenda 2 
 In a recent statement that showcased her totally stupidity, Environment Minister Mary Polak, said about Imperial Metals and the mine, "They will have to pay, it is the law."  Literally NO understanding of the law and bankruptcy. They have only 10 million in insurance coverage, and once that is gone, the only alternative is stepping away from the mess, leaving BC taxpayers with what could amount to a billion dollars in costs. The BC Liberals are guilty of allowing this catastrophe to happen for lack of supervision.

Monday, July 28, 2014

1967 Ferrari 330 P4

Might be the most beautiful sports car ever hand built by Ferrari, and a 1 - 2 - 3 finish at Daytona too!



Form follows function. This Italian work of art is one of only four ever made.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

On the GWTW movie set




Men - left to right -
     "C'mon Honey, admit he's under there. We saw you grab him."
     "She's lying, women with those needs always lie."
     "Damn, this is why you can hardly get midgets to act anymore."
     "Look at that face, coo-ool as a cucumber."
     "You know the studio won't be responsible if he suffocates."






Reprint from 2013

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Hybrids and modified beings

Several years ago it was reported that genetic scientists had created ears of corn that actually had human EARS! Some thought it a kind of corny Frankensteinian joke. Others wondered WHY would anyone engineer such a thing. What would we say to corn husks if they did have ears? Would we whisper to them in a husky voice? Get a Q-tip and clean the corn silk out of their ears? Could they put legs on the corn too so they can just be called and they'll walk to the roadside corn stand themselves?

Well, the subject disappeared for years until the emergence of Dolly, the cloned sheep. And now many believe the genetic modification business has gone crazy. Recently it was suggested that lab scientists are creating part animal-part human, 'things' in labs around the world. Chimeras on the glowing Bikini Atoll of Doctor Moreau? 

They have, for instance, embedded genes for human milk proteins into animals and actually have herds of goats producing humanized-milk! Changes my opinion about feta cheese. One suspects humanized sheep will be next, and what then?  Dolly Parton Lipstick wearing sheep? Will they do a remake of Brokeback Mountain with only one cowboy? 
Doctors are busy building humanized animals! And you must remember that scientists who are involved in genetic engineering research are concerned with achieving targeted effects and may not investigate beyond the range of their own intentions! Have you suspected there is a reason for so many horror movies lately? You may be right that you are being indoctrinated to the grotesque.

Now what caught my eye was this one; researchers at the University of Michigan have a method for putting a human anal sphincter into a mouse as a means of finding better treatments for fecal incontinence. This is an important endeavor. Right? But it seems like the direction is backwards, to stop anal leakage or incontinence, shouldn't they try putting the mouse sphincter into the human? 
And what does the mouse think of this? The other mice are ostracizing him, saying he's just a big asshole now! What a sight! And how is he supposed to control the aperture? Everything he eats just whizzes through him. 
But going the other way would be the answer. If old Uncle George has incontinence. You do the anal engineering and voila, little harmless mouse turds! Even if they do drop out, you can just put them in a paper bag for pea shooter ammunition!

So you can see the progress they're making with genetic engineering. There's hope for anal incompetence yet. No, not a typo, incompetence was the word I wanted. Is anybody watching these scientists? Is there a Supervisor guy somewhere who goes into their lab and wants to see what they've accomplished? 
Does he peer into the cages full of human-assholed mouses and ask WTF? 

Should scientists be creating beings that are part human and part animal?  Well, it is happening all over the planet. Are we ready for a virtual reality Blade Runner scenario? I think we'll be okay, they're not trying to look like us, only like parts of us.
 
We now have glow-in-the-dark pussycats, creepy lil florescent felines that can't hide in the closet anymore.  
Frankenswine is a pig created with mouse DNA and E. Coli bacteria to make it environmentally friendly by decreasing it's phosphorous output. Care for an enviro pig ham sandwich that began with E. Coli?
They have also now grown poplar trees that can remove trichloroethylene — the most common groundwater contaminant from the soil from US Superfund Sites. Superfund even sounds like it is a good place, yes? Well they are polluted locations with hazardous material contamination. There are 1280 of them in the USA. No mention of how these wastes actually got into the ground water, someone would have to be blamed if they told us that, but the tests so far show that the plant absorbs this ground liquid contamination into it's roots, branches and leaves and then releases it into the air. What? Have they thought this through? Don't we breath air? Where's that Supervisor guy?


Cole slaw with your meal? Now we have venomous cabbage. Look what scientists have done, see, they put the gene that programs the poison in a scorpion's tail, into the cabbage so that when caterpillars bite it, they die. Really. Someone actually thought of this! And had it in for caterpiggles. Butterflies for petesakes! Were they sitting around playing canasta when one of them thought this one up and rushed back to his lab full of excitement and deadly ideas. Did his mom make him eat sauerkraut? Maybe it's the scientists themselves who are the result of genetic drift!
They have this huge Atlantic salmon coming soon too. Already called Frankenfish. Modified for growth by using a hormone from an eel-fish to make it grow and grow and grow like Topsy and doesn't know where it came from! Sort of into a tuna-sized salmon. Have you seen those grotesque hook-nosed spawning salmon in the rivers? What's it going to be like when they grow to 12 feet and start coming after us? You won't be fishing for these, they'll be fishing for you! They say the FDA will approve it for sale without labeling to tell (warn) you of the genetic modification. 
They made the Flavr Savr tomato years ago. They developed it by adding something called an antisense gene. Why does that somehow make sense? Didn't sell because they tasted like faded old blue jeans.

They are now tinkering with cows that produce less methane. You might know already that cows are hugely responsible for global warming and the melting of polar ice. The bovines have almost destroyed the ozone layer because their farts are methane carbon emissions. Won't your car run on methane? Why cant they divert that noxious gas to one of the udder teats and have it connect to your car? You could pull up to a farm, get a glass of milk, a round of cheese and a full gas tank! Of course a shuddering side effect might be that cows begin exploding.  
 
And beware of bananas. They have one now that can be vaccinated with a virus' genetic material that becomes a permanent part of the banana cells, thereby vaccinating YOU when you eat one. We might not even want to trust monkeys to test this one. Would the result be a super chimp who kicks Tarzan out of the tree fort and takes Jane for himself?
And they're playing with medicinal eggs too, by modifying the hens, putting miR24 in them. Take your eggs, Dear, they'll stop you from pissing yourself for 24 hours. Can they make chickens stop that infernal clucking while they're at it?
And here's one; a lab grown ovary that matures human eggs! You'll be able to conceive at the lab and just pick up your baby when it's ready! Maybe even at a Baby-Lab Drive-Thru window? I'll have Baby Jane number347 and large fries.

Do we need all this genetic interference with nature? The only genetic manipulation I want to be involved in is that in which I participate myself, like with the attractive widow next door.
Do we want to face it if there is a mistake? Can genetic engineering be retracted? Is someone creating Jabba the Hutt right now? Never mind the light saber, Luke, where's your salt shaker! How much messing around are they going to do before we are all mutated hideous transmogrified versions of ourselves?


Is a pissed off Mighty Mouse with a human sphincter going to change our world?  





Don't know about you, but I am expecting a Chupacabra any moment. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Prom


Prom night 1957

future portents

Two of these girls asked boys to take them to the prom,  one ordered a boy to take her.




"These little frillies are too damn stupid about boys,  I think I'll ratchet up my career and become a psychiatric nurse.  Now take the freaking picture,  Cheswick,  sit down and shut up."




with apologies to the great Louise Fletcher

Saturday, July 12, 2014

UAVs proliferate in cities


Coming to a highrise near you, a drone peeking into your window.

The US Military has the Predator, the Global Hawk, the Shadow the Swallow, the Raven, the Mantis, the Dragon Eye and on and on. But now drones have gotten into the hands of private business and even back yard hobbyists. Yes, window peepers can now be hobbyists. Predators in their own way. Stalkers in the sky. And everyone can buy a Phantom, or an Octocopter, a Multicopter, or an Arducopter, and with a Go-Pro attached, your lusty horizons and busty visions are limitless!

In Seattle, a half-dressed woman complained that a drone was filming her from outside her 26th floor apartment! It belonged to a real estate company who was 'filming the horizon' for a client! They didn't say if the woman was horizontal when she was peeked at. And this is only the beginning. The possibilities for sweaty voyeurs and crusty old lecherous peepers are endless now that the technology is in the hands of the masses. Now we can all  film the horizon! Your kids can build these things and may take sexting to the extreme!

This .....











... has become this  -  take a look at what private drones are doing ....

  of course you can't always be lucky .....







Nevertheless ....
Even FBI agents have said that the legality of drone use is becoming a problem. A great amount of these are now out there and safety is going to become an issue along with legalities of people peeking at their neighbors, spying on things. Hubby has abandoned the fresh air of the open park and the model airplane club and now flies a UAV downtown under cover of smog with the SkyPeepers.
Well, if it gets you out of your Mom's musty basement and away from the computer I suppose it is a good thing? 

But watch out, dusty old Grampaw sitting on that bench isn't quite as innocent as he once was, to hell with the squirrels, he's got a controller and a brand new tablet with him. And Google Glasses on order!
And that bulge isn't peanuts in his pocket. 


Watch the gusty skies.


and fight back.

 


Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Exercise Program


Bob's body parts face a dilemma ....



                   "So what's up with this?"

Brain           "Who's that?"

Thigh          "Me, Thigh. He's nearly running again today."

Brain           "Yeah he's started on some kind of exercise thing."

Thigh          "Well, I'm still aching from yesterday. I don't like it at all."

Foot            "You think that's bad, he's had those Adidas for 6 years, and now he wants to 
                    start running on them? They're worn out for Pete's sake! My arches
                    are falling."

Thigh          "C'mon Brain, no one wants any exercise program, what was wrong with 
                    him just sitting at the computer all day?"

Heart           "That was nice and relaxing, I never had to beat over 60 bpm. I could nap
                    from lunch to dinner time. And at night with TV I could just lie there
                    in a warm pool of blood."

Knees          "Yes, Brain, nag him about his bad knees again. I did what I could last night,
                    ached and ached."

Thigh          "So how determined is he anyway? I think he'll quit soon."

Brain           "Sometimes I can't tell him anything, it's like his mind has a mind of it's own."

Lungs          "Hey, that is your JOB, Brain. I can hardly keep up with all this oxygen! 
                   I used to be able to take every second breath off. Now I feel like some kind
                   of vacuum pump in a lead mine."

Brain           "You parts need to remember how good it was when he used to run the
                   Sea Wall every day. And do gym exercise too."

Stomach      "I liked that, he could eat cake whenever he wanted, and those donuts
                   with pink icing."

Thigh          "It's not all about you and your lascivious pleasures, Stomach. Some of us
                   have to work for a living. But walking two miles is excessive! From his bed to
                   the computer or TV is just right. No one needs to do more than that." 

Ego              "He's doing it to look good, doesn't want to get old and ugly."

ID                "He's already old, he should face it and quit picking out grey hairs and 
                    trimming his eyebrows. No girls gonna look at him. And there's a
                    wonderful variety of canes out now.  How can I make him cantankerous if 
                    he's looking good?"

Thigh           "Well if he tries this fast walk thing again tomorrow I'm getting a 
                    Charlie Horse."

Foot             "I might be able to rub up a few blisters ..... ID, couldn't you steer him into
                    a tree or something?"

Ego              "Don't ask ID to do stuff like that. You're flirting with disaster."

ID                "I don't flirt with anybody. I'll kick a puppy if you like."

Thigh           "We need to stay on target and stop this madness of exercise."

Lungs          "I tried gasping but he just waits a minute and starts up again."

Stomach      "I can't do much, he's drinking gallons of water. And only eats one cookie at 
                    a time now."

Muscles       "If he starts sit-ups we're all in trouble. The thing about pain is that it 
                   feels so good when it stops."

Brain           "You parts quit grumbling and wait and see what happens."


Rectum       "Um ... could I say something?" 



Brain           "No, you're never serious. You always make fun of the rest of us."

Thigh          "Yeah, shut up Rectum."

Rectum       "Think about it. Would that really be a good idea?"

Stomach      "Constipa .... C'mon, I can't deal with back-up again."

Brain           "Okay what is it then, Rectum? And no wise cracks."

Rectum       "I just wanted to remind you of how good it was last time he was 
                   active like this."

Thigh          "Meaning exactly what."

Rectum       "Everything worked properly. And when he went on the toilet he always 
                   had great bowel movements. They were soooo good."

Brain          "What?"

Rectum       "They were sooo-ooo good ....."

Thigh          "I get it, so how good were they?"

Rectum       "They were so good he couldn't flush without saying goodbye. Ha ha ha!"



                   "Asshole."

Rectum        "Who said that?"

Brain           "Oh sheeeez."

Thigh          "What 're we gonna do?"




Monday, July 07, 2014

Recycling in Spain


They have a great way to recycle automotive materials in Spain. 
Like in a car crash. Male drivers in España follow their own machismo rules on the highway and a favorite game is to intimidate anyone in the fast lane by driving right up to your rear bumper to force you to pull across into a slower lane. Formula 1 driver Fernando Alonzo is a National hero. 

So if your nerves are not up to at least torrero standards, an accident may result.

Race everyone? Hell yes!


If your vehicle is then disabled to the point of being unable to drive it home for repairs. or worse, it is perhaps a write-off. If you have insurance at all. In some Mediterranean countries, the fine for driving without insurance is so low that many risk it instead of paying for the expensive coverage.   
More dangerous than Toro?


So you have an accidente. Your car is crunched.  And you fear the Guardia Civil.

What happens in Spain is that they, the senores from the Jefatura Provincial de Trafico de Malaga, just shove your cute little Seat (SeeAHT, a Spanish Fiat,)  over to the side of the road and simply leave it there.

In the first week, the battery, tires and wheels disappear. 
The thieves don't leave it suspended on four nice building blocks like you might find yours in the morning  here in North America when your wheels have been stolen, that would be wasteful, they use only one adobe block and a two by ten, or more likely a support pole 'borrowed' from a construction site. Easily leveraged for Hosay to lift any car while Roberto removes that wheel. Then plunk, onto the ground in 30 seconds and three more to go if they are undamaged. So the four wheels and tires are now gone. To a good home one could imagine. Even the Seat badge has become a great belt buckle. And you won't be protected by that Real Madrid crest, especially here in Andalusia.

In the second week, as you pass the now lowered Seat car hugging the ground like a legless beetle you might notice the seats (Seeets) missing, and probably any glass that was not broken in the impact. Windshield, side windows and rear windows. And anything possible from the dashboard, tachometer, speedometer in KPH,  gear knob, light switches, even the Bobblehead doll of Fernando that didn't bobble anymore and had somehow began to look more like the Frahnkensteen character from following too close to the leading car's exhaust pipe.

The third week. As you cruise by there will be nothing left of the front grill, chrome bumpers and trim. No headlights, tail lights, sidelights, doors or trunk lid!  Steering wheel gone. With remnants of snipped wiring dangling from under the dash or lying on the ground like rotting spaghetti. Most engine parts that come out will have been wrenched out.

On the fourth week, you'll slow as you pass and see nothing but a skeletal hulk, like some kind of alien bug that landed on the wrong planet and couldn't take the relentless Spanish sun. Wind wheezing through the shell like something from a Good, Bad, Ugly Spanish Western, that wiring swinging like a noose.


And if you're there at the right moment, you might see the flatbed truck from the highway department with a small crane on board. They stop right beside the former Seat, grasp it with medieval looking grappling hooks, and just hoist it onto the deck. 
And then it is gone in a diesel cloud. Off to a steel mill to become?  Banderillas?    Whatever. 

Fifth week, only an oil spot and tumbleweeds.  Try not to whistle.
Adios, poco amigo Seat.

Spanish recycling works.