I have to keep saying to myself that I am not crazy. The TV world really IS showing these programs. And in spite of not wearing my tin hat, I really do believe there is a huge, stealthy conspiracy to dumb down the people of North America.
The Powers That Be (TPTB) want to prepare us for that final push when they say, 'This is what you will see, what you will hear and what you will do while staying in your house and not coming out to see what we are doing. Be good now and do as you are told.'
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Here's a sample TV line-up for your viewing pleasure:
Dr Phil - Our Dad left our dying Mother for a woman who claims to be a Kennedy Heir!
The People's Court - You killed my dog on Christmas Eve!
The Doctors - Special Report. Lose weight with jelly beans!
Maury - This test will prove you're cheating on our Mother!
Real Housewives of New Jersey - The women unveil secrets, skimpy clothes and sexy dance moves.
Well okay on this one. At least dem joisey goils is only bein' what dey are.
Kourtney and Khloe - The family finds out that Kim hired a private detective.
Is there anything private about these people?
The Incredible Dr. Pol - A foursome of cows who refuse their pregnancy checks!
Really again. Did they collaborate of this?
Chupacabra vs The Alamo - A band of outlaws battle bloodsucking creatures at the Alamo.
(Without Jim Bowie or Davey Crocket) By now you think I am lying, don't you? I'm not!
Feeling a little woozy yet? But all is not lost, there are some serious doings out there in TV land - what about this? -
SpongeBob Squarepants - Mr. Krabs refuses to toss out Krabby Patty, Spongebob breaks his butt!
Finally, something you can get your teeth into.
Vacation House - Couple have to use revenue income to supplement cost of owning house in the sun because they already blew Daddy's inheritance.
It is total fun to see how stupid people and their constant dogs could own anything.
She -'I suppose the 4 dogs could use the main bedroom and we could have our little girl sleep
in the closet'.
He - 'That might work, Honey.'
Undercover Boss - Big fat boss with a beard masquerades as big fat mail room guy with a beard.
And fools everyone right? Who hires those people? The boss does!
Crazed Chef - Violent chef Kurt von Rheinhausen is trying to kitchen-train hapless newbies, finally kills one and roasts him with Italian purple garlic, French truffles and Seville oranges to teach the others a lesson about combining fruits with meat. They serve him with a nice sweet Rieslinger.
Okay okay, I made that one up but surely you get the point by now.
Now just sit there watching, send in your money or your children, and keep your mouth shut. We're watching you, y'know. There's a camera hidden in your TV. No need to take the test, you're dumb enough already.
We'll keep you safe from bad guys, trust us, we know what's best for you. Now go try to tie your shoelaces again.
See the pretty girl. Stare at her. She has a credit card.
Why don't you send us some money from your credit card?