Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sale Days

I was browsing through a drugstore ad flyer last night.
They have so many good things in drugstores these days. Mostly women's stuff though. I saw a new product for girl's hair, called Bedhead. Something that musses your hair so you can match your guy's trendy Dumpsterhead I think. I wonder how the comb industry will fight back?
They had some strange groupings of sale products with special offers;
Like these women's briefs called Tena that come in a package. Of course they are made for any leakage that might be embarrassing for a gal. It happens as women grow into olderhood. As a matter of fact I can't tell my wife a joke unless she's already sitting on the toilet. She's afraid to laugh otherwise. But she rarely laughs at my feeble jokes anyway, especially when they're coming at her from under the bathroom door.
But the funny part is that you get a free six pack of Ensure when you buy the Tena briefs! Why can't men's briefs have a similar deal with a 6 of Bud? But then half a dozen beers would cause the leakage wouldn't they.
Another deal was NeoCitran and Buckleys, buy them both and they'll give you a whole CASE of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup!  I assume to negate the infamous taste of the Buckleys, but a whole case? What if I buy like 8 or 10 of each? I could open a soup kitchen.

But the men's thing that really caught my eye was the ad for Trojan condoms. You can get several types; the Originals, called Magnum. Or the Bareskin, or the Ultra Sensitives. Great.
The images with these names are like, er, macho; "the 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun .... Make my day, Punk .... Did I fire five shots? Or six?" You can feel the powerful Clint glint emanating maleness overwhelming that skinny punk girl with purple and orange hair. She's helplessly receptive to your Magnum.
And the name Bareskin conjures up a buff loin-clothed Tarzan grabbing the lusty Jane and swinging her off into the jungle sunset! Gawd!  And Jane squirming and pretending to struggle and .... oops, sorry, got sidetracked.
Well, Sensitive Trojans kind of make me think of a poet guy named Seth who always wears a scarf and uses crying to get his sex. Not quite there for me, but guys will try anything. I guess it is macho in a reverse psychology kind of mode. She's sympathetic to your Sensitivity.

Yet this is the first time I have seen an ad for LARGE in condoms. Yes that's the actual name, in a big bold manguy font too. Now I can't say I know what a large size would cover, but it makes me curious. Bavarian Smokies are one thing, but those huge German bratwursts are another. Where's the division between hot dogs at the ball park and a Louisville Slugger?

I know as kids we blew up the regular sizes and had lots of fun with them, you could fill them almost full with water, and find a hill on a rainy day so you could bowl them down the center of the street and they'd go for miles on the wet pavement! And they would inflate to about the size of your thigh leg. You can probably write Der Hindenburg on this large size and fly them from a tether.
Large has so many connotations. Single guys could carry one when they go to a bar, inadvertently drop one by the table of those girls out for a night on the town. Of course your phone number is scribbled on the package. And keep a couple in your glove box in case of an emergency tire change, keep your hands clean with these rubber mittens. Take the pack out when crossing the border though or you'll be in for a strip search.
And when you buy this Large size, you don't step into the checkout lineup with hesitant stealth as usual, but wait for the cute cashier to open and slide them onto the counter face up, label readily read. L-A-R-G-E. Remember to seem embarrassed about your, um, disfigurement. 

Well I am way past using condoms. And never had the need for porn star sizes anyway. But a Large size condom might be very good for keeping extra socks dry on a camping trip. Or maybe keeping your slippers on. You`d never slip. Or filling one with Cheerios and stuffing it down your pants, ala Mr. Softie. Yes a codpiece. Way better than a heavy potato down there, which can be embarrassing when it slips down and falls out your pantleg beside your shoe. Hey, don't look at me I am just guessing. I suppose I could try one, but on me it would seem like a groin goiter, nothing sexy about that. My wife wouldn't ask in a husky voice, "What is that?" pointing coyly with a pinky finger. She'd probably say, "OMG What happened? Did you slip off your bicycle seat?"  You could use one to keep your tennis balls dry. But no one plays tennis in the rain.

So all these Trojans are considered safety precautions against disease and pregnancy. And Large is something to consider if you are amply endowed. Even if you are not you could 'enhance' the package with those Cheerios. They are on sale too and after all they are the 'Breakfast of Champions'.

But I am no longer a Champion because I am marking the Centrum vitamins, Tylenol ache and pain remedies and Imodium ads. Now that's what drug stores are for. Champion only means Gene Autry's horse to me. OMG there is a connotation in there too!
I see blood pressure monitors are on sale. 
And one size fits all.

I'll be there on sale day.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Liberal convention - Desperation

The Federal Liberals are having a convention. They have made several resolutions, hoping to revive their almost defunct party. And even though they are very desperate for credibility, they still refuse to acknowledge the fact that their previous leaders are responsible for their present position at the bottom of every popularity poll in the country.

They have stunned the older people by voting to legalize marijuana, while at the same time, stunning the younger people and Quebeckers by voting to retain ties to the Monarchy. Are they confused or what?

Let's review what some Liberals did - - - Pierre Trudeau gave us a constitution that so far has served prisoners everywhere, freeing them from punishment for almost every crime possible. Illegal immigrants need only to get a toenail embedded into Canadian soil to get their due monthly money, set of pots and the same legal rights of all citizens. He married ex-Hippie Margaret and the Pierre-Sinclair show became the chagrin of the Canadian public. His Trudeaumania slid into Trudeauphobia.

John Turner, he allowed Trudeau to appoint his cronies into powerful positions even after taking the reins, was then caught on television patting the bottoms of Liberal Party President Iona Campagnolo and Vice-President Lise St. Martin-Tremblay. That told us all we needed to know about him. He ruled for 79 days and lost the election by a landslide, obviously without a single woman's vote! The old Hell hath no fury reaction.

Jean Chretien then took control, promised the GST would go and had a redbook full of other promises. He very sneakily refused to campaign in Quebec for Canada when the crucial separation vote was imminent! Spent 5.8 billion of OUR money on 30 year old helicopters, then doled out 100 million directly from his office to the Sponsorship Scandal participants without accountability. The rugs of our parliament have so much stuff swept under them that you need a Hummer to get over them!

Paul Martin then emerged. Mr. Dithers let the Canadian Military continue to scam him by allowing the purchase of 4 broken down British Submarines. Our Navy defended the billion dollar submarine program saying the boats were vital to the defence of Canada even though none were capable of firing torpedoes, submerging or even venturing out to sea! The crews would have to wear SKUBA gear inside them! They were only good if sunk for metal reefs to encourage colourful fish habitat. Paul Martin then stuttered his way into oblivion.

Stephane Dion, arrived all shiny and a citizen of France. It was bad enough to have a another staunch Quebecker wanting to run Canada who had been involved in the Quebec sovereignty movement but the trouble was no one could understand him even whether he spoke French OR English! He initiated something called the Green Shift, which some figured out was either shifting corporate taxes away from corporations and onto the public or just that green hairy stuff that grows on veggies in your fridge. Others thought it was the name of a lawn mowing company. But as no one could understand him in any language, it didn't work.

Michael Ignatieff then reappeared after having been beaten by Dion previously. The Liberals were like raccoons feeling around for frogs in a murky pond, and they refound Ignatieff, dredging him out of the mud! No one cared because he had not been living in Canada for 22 years and squinted when he addressed the media! It made us all wonder who ARE these Liberal leader pickers?  Michael had 11 honorary doctorates, but I think Mike Tysen does too. Ignatieff hastily led the Liberals down the political drain and even lost his own seat and the party's status of official opposition! It was more like a toilet flushing! He was never going to live in Stornoway after Go-away was imposed on him by the voters.

So in 2011 the Liberal party had 18.9% of the popular vote. It's lowest ever and a far cry from Sir Wilfrid Laurier's 50.9% in 1904. But then there were only 39 people living in Canada then, and those Liberals probably wouldn't allow Indians or Chinese to vote.

Now here we are, new old Federal Liberals with scrubbed faces, full of hope and desperation at the same time, trying to connect somehow with everyone in the country. We are going to be able to smoke pot on the streets, (IF the Americans let us) and bow and curtsy to the Queen, which could be Camilla! And the new Party President promised to 'get right down to the nuts and bolts'.
Methinks the nuts are already there and the ones with any sense have bolted!

Although perhaps a few nuts have joined too?  Marc-Boris St. Maurice, founder of the Marijuana Party became a Liberal in 2005 and joined. Blair Longley took over that party leadership and advocated marijuana smoking too and all he wanted if elected was a new bicycle. See, there are alternatives to the Big Machine parties. Perhaps Marc-Boris is at the bottom of these dramatics?

And the image of Trudeau won't disipate with his prostate-checking finger in the air and an echo of 'fug you' reverberating through the Canadian Shield. I don't know about you, but I have that same old creepy Crawley feeling I have always had about the Liberals.They truly earned the name Lieberals.

Light up, maybe it's okay now.

But don't forget to curtsy.


Monday, January 09, 2012

Northern Gateway Pipeline

Today talks are starting in Kitimat about the Enbridge Northern Gateway Pipeline. So far over 4000 people have signed up to talk about this proposal.
The deal would construct a duel pipeline from the Alberta Tar Sands oil production facility, through Alberta, across the Rockies, through British Columbia, to Kitimat BC. There the oil would be pumped onto oil tankers and sent to China.
You need to know here that Kitimat is NOT a coastal port, it is miles inland through narrow channels.

Follow the line on the map to see what route these huge oil tankers will have to take through BC's coastal waters.
This is a pristine area, full of narrow fjords, majestic mountains, water-edge forests and serene waterways where the fishing is excellent and with humpback whales, wild salmon, sea otters, eagles and many other species of wildlife.

You can see for yourself on Google Earth, a free program if you don't already have it.

click to enlarge
Check out more of the pictures there too, taken by travelers and boaters in the area.

And what are the benefits of this potential disaster to British Columbians? A FEW jobs during construction and little afterward. Alberta and their foreign investors will just get richer.

Some people are suggesting it is yet another sell out of our raw resources. The Chinese are heavily invested in the Alberta Tar Sands and want our oil. Some are asking why we Canadians cannot build our own refinery and get the huge and enduring profits for ourselves, instead of shipping our crude to Texas OR China and having to buy back the gasoline.

Will we allow foreign interests once again to threaten us with an oil spill that would be catastrophic for the north of BC? We continue to ask why hasn't the Exxon Corporation paid the fines and costs of their 1989 oil spill when the Exxon Valdez defiled a pristine area of Alaska? And after all these years they are still tying it up in courts, appealing everything, making a mockery of the system and thumbing their noses at the people affected. Exxon has a $287 million damage claim and a $5 billion punitive damage claim and lowered it to 25 million which Exxon refuses to pay! Merely a few hours profit for them.
This is what you can expect in BC when they spill here. And the area is accessible ONLY by boat or plane, there are no roads. Would the area ever be recovered or become a no go like Chernobyl?

And meanwhile, why do so many people believe that BP has NOT got the Gulf oil spill under control even now? You saw that arrogance of the BP executives defying even the President of the United States! What about the Gulf dead zone? Why was BP allowed to keep everyone away (including the US Navy) from their damaged oil rigs and go on drilling more?
The potential of another environmental disaster is imminent. Right here at home in British Columbia. People need to be aware of this, and many are even questioning the polls which have even been carefully worded to diffuse the truth of the situation.

Do you want to take a chance on spoiling this perfect inland waterway for the benefit of Alberta and China?

It is not just now, folks, it is forever.

                                                                                Inside Passage, BC - by jiangliu - Google Earth