Thursday, December 24, 2015

Last Chance Santa


     Joe - Dear Santa, this year I want a Ferrari, red; and a bow and arrow (again); and a small boat for fishing, not too big, just enough for days on the lake; and that 50 inch hi def TV I saw in Best Buy; and tickets to all the Pro games in this city; and maybe a box of Cubans; and a couple cases of that Stella girl's beer.

    Santa - Wait a minute, Joe, kids don't smoke Cubans or drink beer, who you trying to fool?

     Joe - I'm not a kid, Santa, I'm a fifty-six year old male whose been writing you for 51 years and you haven't come through yet. Its time you did.

     Santa - Well sorry to disappoint you, Joe, old guy, but I don't deliver ridiculous gifts to the withered gray elderly.

     Joe - That's cruel. Maybe you might want to start. You can't expect to ignore a little boy-teenager-middle management guy-now divorced-unemployed-full grown man forever without him being ticked off and looking into your situation.

     Santa - Situation? I just work my ass off packing presents for every kid in the world, and deliver the whole frigging mess on one night. That's the situation.

     Joe - You never thought anyone was gonna find out what you do up there the rest of the year though, did you? I noticed you changed most of those ugly little warty elves to pretty perky girlie elfs for starters. And they don't wear the green Loden jackets and pointy caps  now do they? You shop for them secretly at Victoria's, don't you. I heard some of them might be thespians.

     Santa - I give them auditions  .... sometimes. Who told you about that? 

     Joe - Never mind, and all the new ones do is sit around filing their nails. And those working elves you fired are getting uglier too, they're saying things about you, and mad about not having their one lusty day a year with Mrs. Claus while you are out flying across the skies.

     Santa - You can't prove any of this. Mrs. Claus was tired of the toy factory and had the elves diligently making 10 inch Leaning Towers of Pisa out of wax. We've been estranged since. And you're not getting any Ferrari either.

     Joe - You're pretty smug Santa, never thought anyone would check the Geographic North Pole did you? Everyone was looking at the Magnetic North Pole.

     Santa - I can tell you're dumb, Joe, anyone who wrote to me for 51 years with no reply just doesn't get it. I'll give you the six pack of beer and that's it. It is Stella Artois by the way.

     Joe - Nothing artsy about Stella, she's the one with the big red lips. They are those candy ones and you didn't even notice. Could have sent Kaitlin and Rue Paul up there too you horny old curmudgeon. That's what you get when you hire from Craigslist Gigs.

     Santa - What do you want, Joe? You can't destroy a legend, people love me all around the world. Main Stream Media won't even give you a minute on TV. They're having too much fun giving out NORAD reports of where I am flying. Kids are listening with their greedy little hearts pumping Red Bull.

     Joe - Oh yeah? Look what happened to Fatty Arbuckle, and that wasn't true. What
about the WMDs and that Saddam guy? He got hanged, you know, and not under the Christmas tree either. You can be destroyed with innuendo,  I just have to say you know Charlie Sheen!  And what if I start calling you Sinterklaas, you know how Fox News reports on anything Germanic.

     Santa - You're stretching now, Joe. I can tell you've got nothing on me. Just go ahead and take the rejection again. I'll toss in four Cubans. Now go away, I've got work to do.

     Joe - Is part of your work, dancing with Sugar Plum soccer Moms while Hubby snores upstairs on Christmas Eve?

     Santa - I show my appreciation for milk and cookies and hubby's 12 year old Scotch, that's all. 

     Joe - You're out of it, Santa, the elves don't even like you, they replaced Blitzen last year with a Clydesdale named Henry and you missed it altogether. What work? Saying a sweet goodbye to your girlie elfs?

     Santa - We are equal opportunity employers up here, Joe. Take the deal. I'm putting you on the block list. You know damned well that you can say what you want about me now in December 24, 2015, but by December 24 in 2016 they'll have forgotten it all. It's the way the world works, Joe, people now think Darth Cheney is the good guy, he has his own action figure! Take the deal.

     Joe - I need the bow and arrow, Santa, that was in my first letter fifty one years ago. And every one since. Last chance, Santa or I tell all, including the elfie massage with the 'happy ending'.

     Santa - Ok, you get the bow, now go back to your Mother's basement and behave yourself.

     Joe - Thank you Santa. Merry Christmas.

     Santa - Piss off, Joe.



Merry Christmas




     Santa - Psst! He's not getting the arrow though.



Saturday, August 22, 2015

Everybody's favorite dog




The Mountain Dew Dancing Dog



I want one. 

(better than the Jimmy Fallon panda?)

Sunday, June 14, 2015

What's it like?

....at over 200 MPH at night on a country road in France? Le Mans 2015.
 (watch top right on ad to click off in 5 seconds)




O.M.G!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Karate Mantis



Mister Miyagi where are youuuuuuuuuuu? 
I don' think it's gonna work this time!



Use the Force, Luke.

OMG wrong fuckin' movie, Sensei! 



Wash the car then, Grasshopper. 






Sunday, May 10, 2015

Einstein's Theory of Lost Paper



E=mc2  -  -  -  Elsa, milk and 2 cookies or 3?





"Mine pretty Liebchen Elsa, haf you perhaps found a leetle piece of paper mit writing on it? Maybe mit E=mc3 or 4 or 8 on it? I seem to have lost der scrap."

"Albert, you know I stay out of there since I erased your blackboard that time and you said I caused an eclipse.  The note I found only said E=MC something so I brought you milk and cookies how you like.  Maybe you meant More Chalk, I don't know. But if you had not eaten them zo fast mein Grandpapa, ve could count zem to see vhat your note said."



Al



Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Lies men NEED to tell.


So I am not talking about having a lusty wild affair with that new Fifi girl in the mail room. The one who says she is from France but wears CK pour hommes and seems to know lots about Seattle. If you're going to lie about her, you're on your own. The best you can do with that one is to get her fired so your wife never sees her.

I am talking about lies that are way more serious than Nights in White Satin in a Motel Six.

Like if Wifey starts out with, "Honestly now ..." that is a bright red flag, and the clue that imminent and immediate deception needs to take place, and if it is followed with "Does my ass look big in these pants?"  You have to take intensive, evasive and distractive action right away.  No chance for the joke you are thinking of, 'If the pants were black and it was dark, then no.' No.
You need something bold while keeping your mouth shut, like having a sudden heart attack. Even though NO woman expects truth on that one. Falling on the floor clutching your chest should work. Keep in mind that you might have to spend the night in hospital full of prickly tubes stuck into you. The alternative is bone fractures, her refusing to call 9-1-1, and an ongoing freeze!
 
Let me give you another example ....
Voice from somewhere, "Did I hear you cutting your hair in the bathroom after I just washed the floor?" Your answer has to be NO. You NEED to lie. But it requires further action. You have to have a sudden attack of diarrhea to be able to get back into the bathroom right away before she does! And then you are boxed in to retaining the deception all day. Hopefully you have some crossword puzzles in there. A convincing performance here will often result in sympathy for most of the day.
But wait! Don't walk out of there until you have scrutinized the floor for clipped hairs from four inches away. And you'd better really poop because if there is no regular stink Sherlock/Wifey will surely catch you out.

You see. There are instances where you definitely have a need to lie.

Another one might be, "You didn't finish off all that chocolate cake did you? That is for Myrtle and Alfred tonight."
STOP CHEWING RIGHT NOW!
You cannot say no with your mouth full. The only way out of this one is to destroy the remains. Crumbs. Smudges, everything. Even throw the dish out if you have to. And put your mouth under the kitchen tap and rinse! She's on her way into the freakin' kitchen! Be sure it's cold water you panicked idiot!  You've got to make her believe the cake was gone two days ago but she forgot! Besides you don't even like Myrtle and Alfred. If he can't be called Al or Fred, well he's got some issues. Put the damn plate inside your shirt! She'll look under the sink.

She's never trusted you since that red sweater/white bra incident in the laundry room.  When you said the pinkness of the bra was because you cut your finger on the clasp. You were like a dog who pooped on the floor and then pretended he didn't even live there. Choose your lies more carefully, and remember you can't blame the dog when you don't have one. You only got off that one because you TRIED to do the laundry. There is help and then there is hindrance. You are the latter, go out and fix the lawnmower and try not to put your toe under it.

Okay, so here's another one; "You did remember to mail my letter, right? It needs to be delivered by Tuesday or I won't get the free offer." Not answering won't work. Even if you need time to think. So in a flash you know where that letter is, don't you. It's inside your jacket, the one you had on when you promised, and she was going off to work and you had the day off to linger and loiter all day. NOW what 're you gonna do?
Ah, take the dog for a walk and sneak to the mailbox.
Read up a few sentences if you need to.
No dog.
Don't panic again. Just say Yes, and we'll handle the logistics later. You could say, 'Honey I told you I would.' But that suspicious non-answer might compound the bone fractures! And she is well programmed for cross-examination! She knows you, married you and lives with you, remember. You could act like a police suspect and say, "Who me?" each time she addresses you, but you did that one already on Grandma's broken cake plate.
Just figure out how you can get to that mailbox before the pickup time at 8 pm. A sudden interest in the galaxy won't work either.

And it has recently been revealed that border agents look for specific behavior when trying to discover deception, so you might use this information wisely. Yawning, a sure giveaway that you are hiding something. And dangerous too if you're yawning while she's seeking serious answers ... close your freakin' mouth.
Whistling. If she asks you a question DON'T start whistling, wives are way smarter than border agents.
Do we actually need to say that 'profusely sweating' is a total tip off?




"Why don't you like my mother?" You don't have a Yes or No option here. The question assumes the answer. And no matter what you say it has to be a lie. You need to lie. You need to say you DO like her. The truth is like a guillotine already set loose above your neck! But before you can conjure a feeble response, she follows with, "Where is the shirt she got you for Christmas?"
So now you can't let her put groceries in the trunk, can you? That lovely red shirt with the snowflakes on it was just the thing for Armouralling your tires wasn't it? And you just chucked it in there!
And now you're imagining that a sleeve is poking out under your trunk lid, and your mind is in a blizzard of snow as you imagine a cop pulling you over because he thinks the red flag is someone signalling from inside there, and he asks you to open your trunk, and now a puzzled Wifey is getting out to see the trunk contents too. And you are freaking out nervous and now so is the cop!
You stand there in an unfocused silence until Wifey looks concerned and says, "You okay Hon'?"
Okay, it'll work this time, but having a stomach ache when you were seven only worked a few times, and senility doesn't suddenly descend on you only when prickly questions are asked. Guide her back into the car while leaving the open trunk for the cop to dig through, he'll see the shirt and feel sorry for you.

One more: You're at your computer and you get a joke in your email. It is from a friend of a friend. An acquaintance if you will. Who happens to be female. It is funny. You tell it to your wife. And realize your mistake right away. Before she laughs, Wifey says, 'Who sent you that?" Red flag again! You've learned to read through the feigned innocence, haven't you. If you dare say a girl I know, and before that flag has a moment to flutter in the breeze from your churning mind, or your smile has time to fade, her next Q will be, "Who? How do you know her? She has your email?"
Well it seemed funny and worth sharing when you first read it. But now you understand how spontaneous combustion works and you have to invent a guy at your work who sends you stuff. You just cannot say she is your buddies GF and has a great sense of humor, and somehow she has you on her 'group send' list. You need to lie. And delete before she wants to read it herself! It still won't be funny even if it was funny.

There was a small time criminal who said he beat lie detectors all the time by drinking six Cokes before the event, but running off to the old downstairs fridge isn't an option either. And burping while she's asking you something is just plain rude. The shakes from the colas might help but you are on treacherous ground.

I don't know if this helps but it is a forewarning to start paying attention. You need to come through the border of your house with a smuggled live Iguana on your head and be able to say it is a lizard hat.  God help you if it flicks its tongue at her. You must be prepared to fool the Border Patrol and Wifey at the same time.

Good luck with that.

Ever thought of telling the truth?

Get a dog, they like you even if you blame them for everything!




Saturday, February 28, 2015

Hair Choices

Are you in the same position as hundreds of thousands of other men? Suffering the loss of that wonderful head of hair you had as a teenager? If you're old like me you once loaded your rat-tail comb with enough Brycream to grease the axles on a locomotive. And combed it so often it was a muscle-building exercise!

comb-over?
But now you think wearing that old crusty baseball cap caused your hair loss? And now you think you need the hat to cover that embarrassing shine. Do women don their sunglasses when you talk to them? Is vanity ruining your life?
No, hats didn't do it. Heredity? Your Dad was bald and he handed that curse on to you? Nope. 
And now you're starting the dreaded comb-over? Mike Tyson can alter his face and no one teases him about it but you can't.


Recent research suggests that the most common type of hair loss, male pattern baldness, can be triggered by faulty hair-making progenitor cells in the scalp. Researchers long believed that men whose hair progressively thins, starting with a receding hairline, and then stretching to the crown, lacked a sufficient number of these cells.
Rather, it appears that the cells are merely unable to complete their normal development and mature to a fully-functioning state. Like pushing a gleaming strand of hair up through your skin. That finding was published last month in the Journal of Clinical Investigation.  (whatever that is)



Do women find bald men sexy? Does this guy entice her with the promise of a fifty-first shade of grey? Is he packin' a Walther PPK or designer hand-cuffs?


 
And there are guys who wear the bald pate well, like The Rock, oops sorry, Dwayne, and Bruce Willis? Sure. Bruce is threatening to men in a bad dangerous way and to women in a good dangerous way. Either way it is virility on display.


Treatments like Propecia and Rogaine which say they can prevent hair loss are a myth?
"Propecia is one of the most important advances in hair loss therapy in the last several decades," says Neil Sadick, a clinical professor in the department of dermatology at the Weill Cornell Medical College. 
That prescription pill, which reduces levels of a hormone that shrinks hair follicles, works best in younger people whose hair is just beginning to thin. 
But the drawbacks are huge. 
As part of a study published in a June 2011 issue of the National Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr. Michael Irwig of George Washington University surveyed 71 regular Propecia users to find that 94 percent suffered low libido, 92 percent experienced erectile dysfunction, and 92 percent had decreased sexual arousal! What's more, the survey showed that some side effects could last an average of 40 months after patients discontinued use of the drug, bucking the commonly held perception that the cure for any unwanted symptom is simply to stop taking the pill. You shouldn't have to wait over three years for the return of a chubby.

She's the one who is smoking
So do you see the problem? You are chemical overloading to keep that top-mop believing that women love a man with a glorious head of hair. They do, but when they run their fingers through it, and are sitting close enough to drive your senses wild, and you realize that a woody might be in order but you can't seem to find the wherewithal to command one to appear, even if she has enough cleavage to hide a Volkswagen, you are in a hairy trouble.
OMG, he's looking right at ME!


 
While that shiny skin-head guy who looks like Mr. Clean or a gentle Genie is going around knocking chairs over in the cafe with a stiffy that is even embarrassing you! And worse, he just drew the attention of the girl you are with because she got tufts of your hair in her fingers! 

But before you go rubbing those creams, lotions and glues to your starving scalp, consider this: 
Sally Kravich, CNHP, a nutritionist and author, finds in her practice that "vanity is a good way to inspire people to eat better. We all want shiny eyes and radiant hair and skin." She encourages her patients to get nutrients and minerals from the food they eat. Unfortunately, many people don't have the best diets. Protein is important to strengthen hair and promote growth. The recommended daily amount is about two to three 3-ounce servings of meat or a combination of four to five servings of dairy and beans. Kravich tells patients dealing with hair loss to include nuts and seeds, eggs, and fish in their diets. All are important sources of omega-3 fatty acids, which help lower inflammation and create a healthier scalp.
It's best to avoid a rut; eat a variety of foods every day. Kravich recommends eating six to 10 servings of various vegetables daily, two to four fruits, and an assortment of grains and legumes and lean meat products.

Other natural methods to prevent or cure balding are to rub your scalp vigorously until a burning sensation appears. But do it in front of a mirror so you'll know if anything up there is on fire.

Coconut milk is a supposed cure, but is that because coconuts are hairy? 

Fenugreek seeds are said to repair damaged hair and prevent hair fall but it doesn't say here if you are supposed to actually plant them in your head or not. 

Onion has been found to treat baldness, rub an onion on your head twice a day. It nourishes the hair and improves blood circulation to the follicles. Also kills parasites and germs and prevents fungal infections on the hair. As long as you don't mind smelling like a Carnival burger.

not all treatments go well
Egg Yolks. They contain sulfur that improves blood circulation stimulating growth. Just don't light a match while wearing your egg mix.

Lettuce Juice has vitamins and minerals that are crucial to healthy hair. And folic acid. Follicles, right? A liter a day is about right, no need to see a doctor when your pee turns green.

There is another that uses Mustard oil but the preparation is about the same as preparing bat's wings and ground lizards for a witches brew. 
And even clinical scientists are afraid to test their growth pills for hair combined with the little blue pill for erectile disfunction in combination. Be careful, you don't want to become a Yeti with erectile malfunction and have a sheriff's posse hunting you down!


But at least these are natural treatments, not pills or chemicals made in a lab, the trend is to organic these days and of course the final judge of all these methods for treating baldness is whether you can have glorious hair and still get good wood when the need arises.


But like everything else, happiness is within our own control, hairy or slick.




So now we've got the bald macho thing under control, what do you plan to do about the growing ears?



Monday, February 09, 2015

London Tube Brainwave


The First Ever Underground Train Journey,
Edgware Road Station, London, 1862

 

"All right, whose barmy idea was it to have an open tourist carriage
in a bloody underground subway?"


"Not mine.'
"Nor mine."
"Not Me." 
"Mine either .... but if you're crazy enough to wear a white hat in a sooty bloody tunnel ....."



Friday, January 02, 2015

Really? Like, TV, really?


I have to keep saying to myself that I am not crazy. The TV world really IS showing these programs. And in spite of not wearing my tin hat, I really do believe there is a huge, stealthy conspiracy to dumb down the people of North America.
The Powers That Be (TPTB) want to prepare us for that final push when they say, 'This is what you will see, what you will hear and what you will do while staying in your house and not coming out to see what we are doing.   Be good now and do as you are told.'

scroll the page up and down


Here's a sample TV line-up for your viewing pleasure:


Dr Phil  -  Our Dad left our dying Mother for a woman who claims to be a Kennedy Heir!
       Yes really.

The People's Court  -  You killed my dog on Christmas Eve!

The Doctors  -  Special Report. Lose weight with jelly beans!

Maury  -  This test will prove you're cheating on our Mother!

Real Housewives of New Jersey The women unveil secrets, skimpy clothes and sexy dance moves.
       Well okay on this one. At least dem joisey girls is only being what dey are.

Kourtney and Khloe The family finds out that Kim hired a private detective.
       Is there anything private about these people?

The Incredible Dr. Pol  - A foursome of cows who refuse their pregnancy checks!
       Really again. Did they collaborate of this?


Chupacabra vs The Alamo  -  A band of outlaws battle bloodsucking creatures at the Alamo.
      (Without Jim Bowie or Davey Crocket)  By now you think I am lying, don't you? I'm not!



Feeling a little woozy yet? But all is not lost, there are some serious doings out there in TV land - what about this? -




SpongeBob Squarepants  -  Mr. Krabs refuses to toss out Krabby Patty, Spongebob breaks his butt! 
       Finally, something you can get your teeth into.



Vacation House Couple have to use revenue income to supplement cost of owning house in the sun because they already blew Daddy's inheritance.
       It is total fun to see how stupid people and their constant dogs could own anything.
       She -'I suppose the 4 dogs could use the main bedroom and we could have our little girl sleep
       in the closet'.
       He - 'That might work, Honey.'

Undercover Boss  -  Big fat boss with a beard masquerades as big fat mail room guy with a beard.
       And fools everyone right? Who hires those people? The boss does!

Crazed Chef Violent chef Kurt von Rheinhausen is trying to kitchen-train hapless newbies, finally kills one and roasts him with Italian purple garlic, French truffles and Seville oranges to teach the others a lesson about combining fruits with meat. They serve him with a nice sweet Rieslinger.
      Okay okay, I made that one up but surely you get the point by now.

Now just sit there watching, send in your money or your children, and keep your mouth shut. We're watching you, y'know. There's a camera hidden in your TV.  No need to take the test, you're dumb enough already.

We'll keep you safe from bad guys, trust us, we know what's best for you. Now tie your shoelaces.



See the pretty girl. Stare at her. She has a credit card. 
Why don't you send us some money from your credit card?




thank you


Thursday, January 01, 2015

Can you still do it?

Of course you can. At your age? Sure. All it takes is a little training, attention to your own health, some enthusiasm and lots of passion and excitement! Doesn't matter what it is!

There was recently an article on the web about a 92 year old man, Jim Henry,  who just then learned to read and write. And at 98 he has authored a beautiful children's book! It was in his mind and he just went ahead and learned how to do it.

And 83 year old Jocelyn Taylor, a former Champion Brit roller skater, is still on the wheels, teaching and appearing in commercials! Why not?
Roller skating is making a return to fun, for some it never left! Arthur and Joyce George, 90 and 89 are still enjoying their lifelong passion. They may not be playing Bing Crosby in the roller rink, but you can still skate to Michael Buble!  One might have to caution about Roller Derby though, not that it's too tough for you, just that those new outfits are a little drafty!

Dancing is still big with senior people and we all know how good it is for you. And men too, better to be holding a lady near to you who smells good, even if it is the scent of the roast of beef she cooked earlier, than the sweaty body of an gristly old wrestler! And dancing is so social. You are expanding your life style! Beware of the tango though, it is treacherous and subtly sexy!
Speaking of wrestling, amateur wrestling of course. It is another ageless sport. My trainer when I was 17 was former professional George Bunka, then in his 60s, who could be standing in front of you one minute until you were on the mat the next moment with him holding you down in a tangle! No age limits for George.

George in his 'mean' MGB
I have a friend from car racing days, George Hollinger, who quit competitive motorsport in 1975 and took up hockey. Now at 83 he is still playing on a team! Why not? His days of getting there fast may be over, but getting there at all is as much fun now. And who can beat the camaraderie?


There is now the National Senior Games, for people 50 plus. Events are in five year increments! Grown from 1987 with about 2500 people, it now attracts 20,000 spectators and over 10,000 athletes! The oldest being over 100!
And Masters Athletics are for veteran track and field athletes and includes road running and yes, cross country running! You might not toss the caber, but javelins can be fun. And you may not dash that fast, but you'll look pretty dashing in your 100 meter attire.
But don't be angry!
Almost everyday you're hearing about some little old lady jumping out of a plane, or off a bridge with a rubber band tied to her leg. And those riders on flashy racing bikes with colorful outfits are not all 25 year-olds emulating Alberto Contador, you can bike ride forever. Get yourself a cool helmet. There are many elderly martial artists still training in dojos too, karate, judo are bigger than ever. Focus and balance being more important than bulldozing strength.

Today there is nothing holding you back other than your own mind. Yes, you can get out and start moving, even clutching your walker at first if you have to, doing your best, you might even find yourself doing a fast walk 5 K soon, or rambling along a forest trail, or wandering for 30 or 60 or 90 days walking the Camino in sunny Spain! Hola! That's gotta be good for old bones!


And the improvements in your health are exponential! Balance control. If you're going to bump into a wall better to say, 'excuse me' and walk on than fall down! Heart health, stroke prevention! Skin tone, and muscle strength. Weight loss. Proper nutrition becomes a normal routine of paying attention to food.
All benefits to just doing it! There's strong scientific evidence that people who are active have a lower risk of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, some cancers, depression and dementia.
In addition to reducing sedentary time, you are advised to do at least 150 minutes (2 hours and 30 minutes) of moderate intensity, aerobic activity every week.  Do you realize that's less than 30 minutes a day? And there is nothing like a sport for measuring your progress at any age. What you struggled at yesterday seems a little easier today.  Two laps around the block becomes four laps around two blocks! You're not competing with the 25 year old, you're competing with yourself.

Anyone know of a frozen pond?


So c'mon Grandma, skate away, lose the long dress and show a little ankle, you can't get arrested these days for that.
And Gramps, you don't need to lie there on the sofa and wait for the game, go for a walk, it'll just be starting when you get back, and you might find you like participating as a player instead of a spectator.
It's all in the mind! YOUR mind.


But it's about independence too, isn't it, and maybe that is the most important thing of all. Freedom within.

Can you still do it? Sure, of course you can.





aging and exercise

getting active and older