Monday, December 02, 2019

The Horse's POV

♫ “Giddy-up Jingle Horse pick up your feet?” ♬ 𝆕

What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? Pick up your feet? You say that to ornery little kids who don’t want to go home from the mall, but this is a freaking sleigh ride! Pick up my feet? It’s freezing out. Don’t you know if my speed increases by 2% the wind chill factor goes up 50%!  It ain't snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun, it's putting ice on my lashes and frost on my buns. Did you ever wonder what it would be like to trek through snow with steel shoes on? Nooo not you. And you never think about me freezing my nuts off, that's a figure of speech, I'm a gelding, remember?

You guys are all in the sled tucked under your warm wool blanket with a bottle of hot Rum. What did you get me? More oats? They are from last October for Pete’s sake! Dried out like cow chips! Not even an apple and you used the carrot for the snow man's pecker. 

So how many of you are back there? A hundred? And quit shaking those reins, I know where to go by now. It's a one horse sleigh, one horsepower, get it? I'm not a Clydesdale ya know. 

And the bells, the tingling damn bells, you tell me to giddy-up! Think I can hear anything with these freaking bells around my ears? Then you all start singing and not a one of you in tune! Even Burl Ives is crying.

Giddy-up Jingle Horse? You don’t even know my name, do you? You could at least call me Dobbin or Trigger. Well never mind Trigger, we all know what Roy did to him. Then you get home and fire up the stove for more hot toddys, and what happens to me? I go into that creaky old barn with a bale of hay! You can see through the slats for gawdsakes. There could be wolves out there but oh no, you don’t care a bit.

It’s a swell time and the right time? Yeah sure, thinking only of yourself. Right time for what? Dancing and prancing? Even Dasher and Dancer quit Santa for the Florida Keys.
We horses hate Christmas, don't ya know?

But if you try this again next year I’m gonna drink gallons of water and get horse diarrhia! 

That oughta Jingle Bell Rock your freaking night away.  🎵