Little girl, I have a couple of friends I'd like you to meet, Jerry Lee Lewis and Roman Polanski. Would you like that, Honey? Mommy won't know.
Monday, December 24, 2012
El artista
Little girl, I have a couple of friends I'd like you to meet, Jerry Lee Lewis and Roman Polanski. Would you like that, Honey? Mommy won't know.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
T'was the what?
Twas the night before Holiday Season? No way! Now politically correctness has Universal Religious Person not smoking any more? Gimme a break.
Where the f@%# is Santa?
Twas the Night Before ....
"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He was chubby and plump, chock full of crunchies, no cookies for him, he wanted more munchies!
He filled all the stockings by the chimney with care, with little green baggies, legal and fair.
Then sat there and grinned, a right mellow old steed.
We giggled together, because of the weed!
His next stop was Denver, no hurry to fly,
he told me they were already One Mile High!
So we puffed his old pipe, said 'Ain't Christmas great?'
ate up all my brownies, gotta love Washington State!"
Merry Christmas!
apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Where the f@%# is Santa?
Twas the Night Before ....
"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He was chubby and plump, chock full of crunchies, no cookies for him, he wanted more munchies!
He filled all the stockings by the chimney with care, with little green baggies, legal and fair.Then sat there and grinned, a right mellow old steed.
We giggled together, because of the weed!
His next stop was Denver, no hurry to fly,
he told me they were already One Mile High!
So we puffed his old pipe, said 'Ain't Christmas great?'
ate up all my brownies, gotta love Washington State!"
Merry Christmas!
apologies to Clement Clarke Moore
Saturday, December 01, 2012
So you think YOUR day is bad ....
Der Fuehrer ist pissed becausen he vas caught vearing leotards und it ist beginink to rain mitt snow und now dumbkopf car vill not shtarten. Get avay mitt fatherazzi kamera you svinen before I crush mine kap!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Marijuana and BC Bud.
Okay, don't pretend you don't know what BC Bud is. It is NOT Budweiser beer, although it may be just about as famous!
This post comes about because voters in Washington State and Colorado, said 'Yes' on the recent measures to legalize the sale of pot to adults, without the need of a doctor's prescription. Already 17 states allow the use of marijuana for medical reasons. In the near future in Washington State you'll be able to buy a joint at Mary Jane's Weed Cafe whether you're sick or not.
So here in British Columbia, Canada, how will this affect us? We are assured by police and Canada Customs, that IF this all comes about, buying a joint in Bellingham and driving home to BC with it drooping from our lower lip will surely result in arrest! Even in Washington, DUIs will become DUhighs with a huge fine! And while the border guy might ignore those shoes you couldn't resist, he will pull you aside for the smell he detects. Out comes the sniffer dog. You don't want that. Even if the dog doesn't smell pot in your car, they don't trim his nails and he'll destroy your upholstery! So don't think you're smart by flicking out the burning butt as you pass Ferndale!
The problem for us is that we here in BC, have become famous/notorious for our own brand of maryjane called BC Bud. A highly potent smoke that leaves you mellow, cuddly and grinning as you fill up with Doritos!
How did this BC Bud fame come about?
Well we have many many grow-ops in BC. Even in a new subdivision, certain people buy up new homes with a minimum down payment, move in a Vietnamese family who is forbidden to use electricity, (you spot them because they BBQ all winter) and the inside of the home becomes one grow-op using power not too far over what a normal family might use. And they make up the costs on their first harvested crop! On farms with barns, you might be warned of dogs on duty. In one case the operators had BEARS on guard!
In the Interior, there has been evidence of huge underground bunkers full of thousands of plants basking in artificial light. The criminals, as advanced as any construction company, find a little valley, move metal shipping containers into it, wire it up and then bring in earth moving equipment and bury the whole complex! Now THAT is initiative.
And these growing of plants here in BC are very sophisticated operations. Horticultural skills are well developed! They know when to plant, how to nurture, what to feed them, and how to trim and when exactly to harvest! These people could teach horticultural therapy at UBC.
So, who do we credit for the huge success of BC Bud? If you follow the police reports and newspaper articles, it would seem that certain groups like the Hells Angels have embraced this technology astoundingly well. Of course this is alleged. And if you believe the Hells Angels are mostly hairy-armed crooks, Vancouver President Rick Ciarnello once made this valid comment to a reporter, (paraphrased) "If you think we are crooks, you need to look at the ones in Parliament, that's where the real crooks are."
And if you think that perhaps these Hell Angels might be responsible for growing the best pot in North America, then why shouldn't we give them credit for their expertise? Many people say if we in Canada ever pass a law allowing the government to grow and tax it, which is the ultimate destination of pot culture, then a government will give us the same thing they always do when involved; a watered down, over priced, bureaucratically interfered with product that might only serve as mulch for your African Violets!
IF, the Hells Angels are responsible for the quality of the product, why can't we give credit where credit is due and keep the high standard going. Maybe we could offer them a contract to grow for the province? Or even all of Canada because if one province goes, certainly others will follow, and it'll end up that BC Bud will flourish legally throughout our great dominion! No one wants to smoke Ontario sludge or Arctic char anyway.
The question is, do you want high quality merchandise or something like those inferior toxic products from China? And you KNOW that if our Federal government becomes involved, we might as well be puffing reed sticks from the beach.
I think the Hells Angels have worked hard and long to establish BC Bud as the premier brand of weed and we should be thankful that the standard is set so high. They have beaten back Acapulco Gold, Hawaiian Pakalolo, had to compete with Southeast Asia, South America, Mexico, and have prevailed. That is free enterprise at its
most efficient and if you believe that many so-called criminal organizations crave for legitimacy, (we all saw 'The Godfather') then you might think that some of those burly guys would look okay in blue suits and silk ties instead of black leather and chains. Nobody shaves anymore anyway.
And start thinking about a mascot. Budweiser has the Clydesdales. Maybe we could have the Kermode Bear, strong but kind of friendly looking. And is also called the 'Spirit Bear'. Right. That's it then.
Meanwhile, don't do anything silly and see your doctor about that chronic pain, you may be able to get a prescription for it.
Psst! You might need to try several doctors.
This post comes about because voters in Washington State and Colorado, said 'Yes' on the recent measures to legalize the sale of pot to adults, without the need of a doctor's prescription. Already 17 states allow the use of marijuana for medical reasons. In the near future in Washington State you'll be able to buy a joint at Mary Jane's Weed Cafe whether you're sick or not.
So here in British Columbia, Canada, how will this affect us? We are assured by police and Canada Customs, that IF this all comes about, buying a joint in Bellingham and driving home to BC with it drooping from our lower lip will surely result in arrest! Even in Washington, DUIs will become DUhighs with a huge fine! And while the border guy might ignore those shoes you couldn't resist, he will pull you aside for the smell he detects. Out comes the sniffer dog. You don't want that. Even if the dog doesn't smell pot in your car, they don't trim his nails and he'll destroy your upholstery! So don't think you're smart by flicking out the burning butt as you pass Ferndale!
The problem for us is that we here in BC, have become famous/notorious for our own brand of maryjane called BC Bud. A highly potent smoke that leaves you mellow, cuddly and grinning as you fill up with Doritos!
How did this BC Bud fame come about?
Well we have many many grow-ops in BC. Even in a new subdivision, certain people buy up new homes with a minimum down payment, move in a Vietnamese family who is forbidden to use electricity, (you spot them because they BBQ all winter) and the inside of the home becomes one grow-op using power not too far over what a normal family might use. And they make up the costs on their first harvested crop! On farms with barns, you might be warned of dogs on duty. In one case the operators had BEARS on guard!
In the Interior, there has been evidence of huge underground bunkers full of thousands of plants basking in artificial light. The criminals, as advanced as any construction company, find a little valley, move metal shipping containers into it, wire it up and then bring in earth moving equipment and bury the whole complex! Now THAT is initiative.
And these growing of plants here in BC are very sophisticated operations. Horticultural skills are well developed! They know when to plant, how to nurture, what to feed them, and how to trim and when exactly to harvest! These people could teach horticultural therapy at UBC.
So, who do we credit for the huge success of BC Bud? If you follow the police reports and newspaper articles, it would seem that certain groups like the Hells Angels have embraced this technology astoundingly well. Of course this is alleged. And if you believe the Hells Angels are mostly hairy-armed crooks, Vancouver President Rick Ciarnello once made this valid comment to a reporter, (paraphrased) "If you think we are crooks, you need to look at the ones in Parliament, that's where the real crooks are."
And if you think that perhaps these Hell Angels might be responsible for growing the best pot in North America, then why shouldn't we give them credit for their expertise? Many people say if we in Canada ever pass a law allowing the government to grow and tax it, which is the ultimate destination of pot culture, then a government will give us the same thing they always do when involved; a watered down, over priced, bureaucratically interfered with product that might only serve as mulch for your African Violets!
IF, the Hells Angels are responsible for the quality of the product, why can't we give credit where credit is due and keep the high standard going. Maybe we could offer them a contract to grow for the province? Or even all of Canada because if one province goes, certainly others will follow, and it'll end up that BC Bud will flourish legally throughout our great dominion! No one wants to smoke Ontario sludge or Arctic char anyway.
The question is, do you want high quality merchandise or something like those inferior toxic products from China? And you KNOW that if our Federal government becomes involved, we might as well be puffing reed sticks from the beach.
I think the Hells Angels have worked hard and long to establish BC Bud as the premier brand of weed and we should be thankful that the standard is set so high. They have beaten back Acapulco Gold, Hawaiian Pakalolo, had to compete with Southeast Asia, South America, Mexico, and have prevailed. That is free enterprise at its
most efficient and if you believe that many so-called criminal organizations crave for legitimacy, (we all saw 'The Godfather') then you might think that some of those burly guys would look okay in blue suits and silk ties instead of black leather and chains. Nobody shaves anymore anyway.And start thinking about a mascot. Budweiser has the Clydesdales. Maybe we could have the Kermode Bear, strong but kind of friendly looking. And is also called the 'Spirit Bear'. Right. That's it then.
Meanwhile, don't do anything silly and see your doctor about that chronic pain, you may be able to get a prescription for it.
Psst! You might need to try several doctors.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Parti is on!
The Parti Quebecois is celebrating a return to power in the province of Quebec after nine years in opposition! Led by Pauline Marois, many Quebeckers have high hopes of a separation referendum in the near future.
If she does put that proposal to the people, I hope she is a little more honest than former leader Jacques Parizeau was in 1995 on the implementation of the vote and his information to the people about what the results of a Yes vote would mean.
The separatists, at that time, ordered all aircraft of Canada within Quebec to become the Nation of Quebec's property. They ordered all Canadian forces on military bases to change allegiance to Canada to allegiance to Quebec! They anticipated that an airline (or any other corporation) with head offices in Quebec, would become the property of Quebec.
The Quebec people were allowed to believe many ideas that did not anticipate a backlash from English Canada against the breakaway province;
That they would continue to travel on Canadian passports. That they would continue to receive transfer payments from the rich provinces of Canada into Quebec coffers. That their jobs in Ottawa would just go on as if nothing had happened. That they would continue to sell their wares throughout Canada as preferred goods without duties. That they would still send MPs to a Canadian Parliament in Ottawa to participate in and have a voice in Canadian affairs. That Canadian dollars would be the currency of Quebec. And that the French Language would continue to be the equal of English within Canada and be mandatory in Yellowknife.
The people of that province were led to believe that it would be business as usual with the Canadian government.
Some suspect that the Prime Minister of Canada in 1995, Jean Chretien, a Quebecker himself, was tacitly agreeing to the sovereignty of Quebec by his less than enthusiastic support of Canada and decidedly feeble influences in the debate in order to become known as the 'Father of Quebec'. When he could someday tell those French Nationals that he allowed the process to cement the future of the new nation..
Well we all know what happened. The vote lost by 50.58% NO, against a 49.42% YES! Causing Parizeau to blame "those f*cking ethnics" for the loss. The ensuing controversy was because there were so many 'idiosyncrasies' found in the voting process.
Canadian aboriginals were firmly against coming under the rule of Quebec too, the Grand Council of Crees, voted 96.3% to stay in Canada. And if the separation vote succeeded, would consider their territories as part of Canada, not Quebec. And if Quebec could secede, then so could the Cree.
So now we have Madame Marois, elected as Prime Minister of Quebec, who will lead their 'National Assembly' into another separation vote.
But perhaps this time the playing field is a little more balanced. No one expects Stephen Harper to remain quiet if and when that vote does come up.
This time all Canadian Military will likely be ordered to duties away from Quebec long before any vote. Assets from Canada will be removed. One would also expect that the people would soon need Quebec passports and Visas to continue working in Canada. And their employment would of course be transferred to Canadian citizens who can do the job over hiring foreigners. Any negotiations with Canada would now proceed without having a Quebecker on both sides of the table! International consequences would be that Quebec would no longer be represented in Canadian Embassies worldwide.
It remains to be seen what the reaction of America might be.
Too harsh? Maybe, maybe not, but the balance of power would immediately shift to the Western provinces, whose people have voiced that they are fed up with the French Canadian hand permanently in their pockets. And the worry of the sitting government over catering to those cast-in-concrete Quebec seats will be over.Canada could go to a fair and equitable participation in it's democracy.
So will the separation vote come sooner or later? It is always great to play the sovereignty issue with Quebec voters, but sooner or later, Pauline Marois will have to put her money where her mouth is.
I hope I can be on the early voters list. Because I am sending in my YES vote now. Enough is enough. The world is moving too fast for us to baby a retrograde province in our midst.
So Quebec, please go, look after yourself for a change. Maybe you can form an alliance with the US. Or perhaps France will give you passports. Or Haiti, they like French! Strike out on your own, go for it!
Whatever, good luck and bon chance! I'm off to collect a French language sign as a collectors' item of a bygone era.
Maybe something like demi-tour autorisé, fitting, don't you think?
If she does put that proposal to the people, I hope she is a little more honest than former leader Jacques Parizeau was in 1995 on the implementation of the vote and his information to the people about what the results of a Yes vote would mean.
The separatists, at that time, ordered all aircraft of Canada within Quebec to become the Nation of Quebec's property. They ordered all Canadian forces on military bases to change allegiance to Canada to allegiance to Quebec! They anticipated that an airline (or any other corporation) with head offices in Quebec, would become the property of Quebec.
The Quebec people were allowed to believe many ideas that did not anticipate a backlash from English Canada against the breakaway province;
That they would continue to travel on Canadian passports. That they would continue to receive transfer payments from the rich provinces of Canada into Quebec coffers. That their jobs in Ottawa would just go on as if nothing had happened. That they would continue to sell their wares throughout Canada as preferred goods without duties. That they would still send MPs to a Canadian Parliament in Ottawa to participate in and have a voice in Canadian affairs. That Canadian dollars would be the currency of Quebec. And that the French Language would continue to be the equal of English within Canada and be mandatory in Yellowknife.
The people of that province were led to believe that it would be business as usual with the Canadian government.
Some suspect that the Prime Minister of Canada in 1995, Jean Chretien, a Quebecker himself, was tacitly agreeing to the sovereignty of Quebec by his less than enthusiastic support of Canada and decidedly feeble influences in the debate in order to become known as the 'Father of Quebec'. When he could someday tell those French Nationals that he allowed the process to cement the future of the new nation..
Canadian aboriginals were firmly against coming under the rule of Quebec too, the Grand Council of Crees, voted 96.3% to stay in Canada. And if the separation vote succeeded, would consider their territories as part of Canada, not Quebec. And if Quebec could secede, then so could the Cree.
So now we have Madame Marois, elected as Prime Minister of Quebec, who will lead their 'National Assembly' into another separation vote.
But perhaps this time the playing field is a little more balanced. No one expects Stephen Harper to remain quiet if and when that vote does come up.
This time all Canadian Military will likely be ordered to duties away from Quebec long before any vote. Assets from Canada will be removed. One would also expect that the people would soon need Quebec passports and Visas to continue working in Canada. And their employment would of course be transferred to Canadian citizens who can do the job over hiring foreigners. Any negotiations with Canada would now proceed without having a Quebecker on both sides of the table! International consequences would be that Quebec would no longer be represented in Canadian Embassies worldwide.
It remains to be seen what the reaction of America might be.
Too harsh? Maybe, maybe not, but the balance of power would immediately shift to the Western provinces, whose people have voiced that they are fed up with the French Canadian hand permanently in their pockets. And the worry of the sitting government over catering to those cast-in-concrete Quebec seats will be over.Canada could go to a fair and equitable participation in it's democracy.
So will the separation vote come sooner or later? It is always great to play the sovereignty issue with Quebec voters, but sooner or later, Pauline Marois will have to put her money where her mouth is.
I hope I can be on the early voters list. Because I am sending in my YES vote now. Enough is enough. The world is moving too fast for us to baby a retrograde province in our midst.
So Quebec, please go, look after yourself for a change. Maybe you can form an alliance with the US. Or perhaps France will give you passports. Or Haiti, they like French! Strike out on your own, go for it!
Whatever, good luck and bon chance! I'm off to collect a French language sign as a collectors' item of a bygone era.Maybe something like demi-tour autorisé, fitting, don't you think?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Just trying to make you smile ....
The Rufus Tower. You WILL smile at this, great song too.
click the green link below . . . .
Cat Owner Builds Epic Box Tower - Sympatico.ca Video
click the green link below . . . .
Cat Owner Builds Epic Box Tower - Sympatico.ca Video
Monday, September 03, 2012
I don't quite get it department - Translink
So we spend millions on installing turnstiles for Skytrain to stop fare evasion. Except for two stations that aren't getting turnstiles, Metrotown and Main Street station won't have gates, because they need major renovations.
And we have Translink telling us there's still a lot of fare evasion and our 100 thou a year transit cops will be policing it. (59 of 169 Transit cops make that, the rest only get about 75 thou a year)
Are the gates low enough to have people hop over them? As in OJ running for his juice on the plane? Or movie cops chasing the perp?
They look high in the pic.
There will be 400 gates. Installation completed by 2013.
They are saying the cost will be about 100 million, but then Translink sort of forgets that there's a 'smart card' system costing 70 million additional. So that is a cost of 170 million, Province of BC will kick in 40 million, the Federal government 30 million. That leaves Translink itself with 100 million. (they are currently in a 30 million deficit and threatening to raise the gas tax yet again) Of course this smart card system, a Compass Card, could cost us a billion more in guarantees for that company too! Considering the way they hand out contracts in BC. (You are paying a fortune in guarantees to the company that monitors traffic across the Golden Ears Bridge, even though there IS no traffic!)
Translink loses about 7 million a year from fare evasion. You could wait 24 YEARS before you lose the 170 million cost of correcting that situation! Some stations are as high as 1 in 9 evaders (Granville) others as low as 1 in 35. (Edmonds) Of course Translink will also lose the 173 dollar fines too. IF they could collect them. Keep in mind that most fare evaders are evading because they don't have the money, so it sort of follows that they are not really choosing to ignore the $173 tickets, one would assume they don't have that money either!
Currently they issue 64,000 tickets worth 11 million every year.
About 150 tickets a day average @ $173 = $25950 per day x 365 = $9,471,750.00 a year. Without turnstiles, Translink would make an extra 9.5 million a year if they just kept on issuing tickets! For a profit of 2.5 million a year just by letting the evaders continue to evade but capturing them! But now they're on the radio telling you where the cops will be checking fares. I don't get it. Do you?
Maybe we need to go back to the good old days and have ham-fisted railroad harness bulls like Ernest Borgnine?
Translink CEO Doug Kelsey said he expects the system to "pay for itself", starting in 2014.
At 7 million a year in savings from fare evasion, for a cost of the system of 170 million, easy math from Doug, it'll all be paid up by 2038!
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| Only whites, huh? |
Start planning for the party.
But what will gas cost in 2038?
I'm not sure what this post actually says, except to say I think I just don't quite get it when it comes to Translink. And that maybe when you're a Chief of something or other, and you CAN do stuff to make yourself more important, you DO do that stuff. The money just comes from that haven of taxpayers.
I've never been able to figure out how Translink thinks since the creme-de-la-creme of Kerrisdale vetoed the natural and cheapest route to the airport. And then they lied about how the Cambie route would be a tunnel.
And none of this considers the 1.4 billion dollar Evergreen line and where that money will come from. Maybe by then they'll have fare cages that catch and hold you for ransom until you cough up double.
This is all because of fare evaders.
I just don't quite get it.
It's almost enough to make you evade your taxes!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Enbridge's myopia
This straight out approach of the Northern Gateway route via Douglas Channel, from Kitimat to the Pacific Ocean, was provided by Enbridge to politicians as a reassurance, in a Video Documentary. Reassurance of what? That their cartographer has bad eyesight and drafting skills? Or that they will deceive whenever they can?
This nearsightedness seems to be a selected condition of Enbridge people, that they'd like to infect BC politicians with. We cannot believe that even Liberal politicians, so used to scamming the public and voters of BC, would allow themselves to be scammed by Enbridge so blatantly. Do they have something in common: that they are both unable to be truthful?
The problem in this 21st century of high tech, is that the truth is now available to the unwashed masses and we can all see it. And dispute a myopic view of it.
Do you see a straight out to sea channel here? Called a Northern Gateway route flyover, it must have been in a Yellow Submarine after a few puffs of British Columbia kelp in a corn cob pipe!
Do you see a straight out channel on Google Earth? Neither do I. And that is a satellite picture. Something you can check for yourself very easily.
(Google Earth is a free download - here - Google Earth download - it is a useful, fun and educational tool if somehow you've just emerged into the 21st century and are not familiar with it.)
It can also be used to dispute and expose nefarious and deceitful actions and claims by unscupulous corporations. Do you see the same channel to the sea that Enbridge shows?
If you believe that the Enbridge representation is a faithful rendition of what the Alberta tar sands oil will pass through on its way to China, then go back to your booth at the Trekkies reunion and hope Spok smiles at you. Their representation is about as faithful to the real as Walt`s Mickey is to a real mouse.
Otherwise if you are a sane person of some intelligence, help to expose these people for what they are by passing this on. You won't need glasses. Even those 'special' ones Enbridge people use. Is this because they can't see straight? Or is it the gang that couldn't shoot straight?
Perhaps it's because they just can't lie straight.
Far sightedness is a state of mind.
addenda: Prime Minister Harper has disallowed an NDP member from bringing evidence about Enbridge's oil spill in Kalamazoo to the upcoming Edmonton hearings, adding to the speculation that Harper will try to push through the pipeline over the objections of British Columbians.
This nearsightedness seems to be a selected condition of Enbridge people, that they'd like to infect BC politicians with. We cannot believe that even Liberal politicians, so used to scamming the public and voters of BC, would allow themselves to be scammed by Enbridge so blatantly. Do they have something in common: that they are both unable to be truthful?
The problem in this 21st century of high tech, is that the truth is now available to the unwashed masses and we can all see it. And dispute a myopic view of it.
Do you see a straight out to sea channel here? Called a Northern Gateway route flyover, it must have been in a Yellow Submarine after a few puffs of British Columbia kelp in a corn cob pipe!
Do you see a straight out channel on Google Earth? Neither do I. And that is a satellite picture. Something you can check for yourself very easily.
(Google Earth is a free download - here - Google Earth download - it is a useful, fun and educational tool if somehow you've just emerged into the 21st century and are not familiar with it.)
It can also be used to dispute and expose nefarious and deceitful actions and claims by unscupulous corporations. Do you see the same channel to the sea that Enbridge shows?
If you believe that the Enbridge representation is a faithful rendition of what the Alberta tar sands oil will pass through on its way to China, then go back to your booth at the Trekkies reunion and hope Spok smiles at you. Their representation is about as faithful to the real as Walt`s Mickey is to a real mouse.
Otherwise if you are a sane person of some intelligence, help to expose these people for what they are by passing this on. You won't need glasses. Even those 'special' ones Enbridge people use. Is this because they can't see straight? Or is it the gang that couldn't shoot straight?
Perhaps it's because they just can't lie straight.
Far sightedness is a state of mind.
addenda: Prime Minister Harper has disallowed an NDP member from bringing evidence about Enbridge's oil spill in Kalamazoo to the upcoming Edmonton hearings, adding to the speculation that Harper will try to push through the pipeline over the objections of British Columbians.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Favorite Artist
Edouard Monet - (1882 - 1883) - The Spanish Singer - 1860 - oil on canvas.
Metropolitan Museum of Art - New York.
(420 friendly)
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Separated at birth 2
Karl Lagerfeld - Ronald Lacey.
Yes, a lot of difference.
(I didn't say they were identical twins)
Karl Lagerfeld is a pompous ass who tries to dress women in the most unappealing way in order to make them look as unattractive as possible.
Ronald Lacey is the very talented actor who memorably portrayed Major Arnold Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Both are scary characters except that Lacey was pretending.
Yes, a lot of difference.
(I didn't say they were identical twins)
Karl Lagerfeld is a pompous ass who tries to dress women in the most unappealing way in order to make them look as unattractive as possible.
Ronald Lacey is the very talented actor who memorably portrayed Major Arnold Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Both are scary characters except that Lacey was pretending.
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Enbridge Pipeline Through BC
This is the kind of country the Enbridge tar sands oil pipeline will pass through in British Columbia from Alberta to the sea. If a picture is worth a thousand words, here are 15,000.
(click for larger picture)
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| October Morning - David Southwick |
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| Heaven - Richard Kosacz |
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| Willow River - Richard Kreuger |
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| Chinook Salmon - Cal Kimila |
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| Bulkley River - wanita |
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| Stellako Lodge - alkane |
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| Eagles - Kelly Favron |
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| Humpback Whales - north-boy |
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| Hixon Falls - milcia |
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| Bowron Lakes - David Cure-Hryciuk |
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| Dolphins - Gardner Channel - listed |
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| Fingerlings - north-boy |
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| Early Morn Fishing - M82fish |
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| Bear Lakelse - akacake |
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| Inside Passage - jiangliu |
All photos from people who traveled through this pristine country and posted them to Google Earth. Can we take the slightest chance of spoiling this or any other part of BC?
Write in your BC river or lake name here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .
and if you care, read this - - - billtieleman.blogspot.ca
addenda - The Enbridge Energy Company has been recently ordered back by the US Government to the Kalamazoo River to do more cleanup. Because the tar sands oil/bitumen, has sunk to he riverbed, is contaminating and needs more cleanup. 01/01/2013
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Separated at Birth?
This is better than Ringo and Yassir Arafat.
These two have an uncanny resemblance:
Keven Krueger, a British Columbia MLA, and Roy Handler, Chelsea Handler's brother.
Both have woman mentors - Kevin has Christy (Miss Cleavage) Clarke, and Roy has Chelsea (Playboy feature) Handler. Kevin is retiring from the legislature and therefore leaving Christy, Roy is being kicked out of Chelsea's house by Chelsea.
Christy, our BC Premier has wonderful cleavage and displays it fully and often. It is believed that Chelsea, a woman of some experience, also has great cleavage but exposes it less often.
Could Kevin and Roy have crossed paths? Perhaps in the baby nursery?
There once was a time when a rich Prince out riding in a strange town, came across a poor beggar in the street and noticed a striking resemblance between himself and the beggar. "Hail there, you," he ordered. The beggar, startled and afraid at being accosted by a knight of such finery, cringed, "Yes your majesty?" The Prince calmed his horse at the smell of the beggar and said, "You bear a striking resemblance to myself, I want to know if your mother ever passed through my Kingdom?"
The beggar squinted at the noble countenance of the well groomed Prince and said, "No, your Mastership, but my father did."
We assume Kevin and Roy will never cross paths again, but once was probably enough.
These two have an uncanny resemblance:
Keven Krueger, a British Columbia MLA, and Roy Handler, Chelsea Handler's brother.
Both have woman mentors - Kevin has Christy (Miss Cleavage) Clarke, and Roy has Chelsea (Playboy feature) Handler. Kevin is retiring from the legislature and therefore leaving Christy, Roy is being kicked out of Chelsea's house by Chelsea.
Christy, our BC Premier has wonderful cleavage and displays it fully and often. It is believed that Chelsea, a woman of some experience, also has great cleavage but exposes it less often.Could Kevin and Roy have crossed paths? Perhaps in the baby nursery?
The beggar squinted at the noble countenance of the well groomed Prince and said, "No, your Mastership, but my father did."
We assume Kevin and Roy will never cross paths again, but once was probably enough.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Leave them alone.
Fred Willard went to an adult movie theater. Someone must have followed him there and somehow the police were called and Fred was arrested for lewd conduct. Are these the same people who followed Pee Wee Herman into his theater? I believe that was the charge against Pee Wee too.
Both of these men lost their jobs and had a tremendous crash to their careers.
But it was in an adult theater, there is no such thing as lewd conduct in an adult theater. You are supposed to do lewd things in there. The screen is filled with lewd people lewding each other! The lewd attendees, having paid with lewd money, and sitting a discrete 5 rows from each other are thinking lewd thoughts, with overcoats over their lewd laps and perhaps a napkin in their trembling hands. It is an ADULT theater. For porn, get it?
Fred Willard is now 76. Viagra pills cost about $15 each. Admission to these theaters (for seniors) is about $7. There is no sense taking a Viagra if you have no one to share the results with.
What about Pee Wee? Did the poor little man ever proposition a hooker without being laughed at? Did she turn him down because she didn't have her pigtails on? Where was he supposed to go? And what kind of reporter follows Pee Wee around until he slips into a Triple X theater? Is Fred Willard a target for TMZ? If he really is he should be proud of it and hold a press conference! Maybe cry and apologize for the behavior of the reporter and demonstrate a dramatic ability. His career might take off in a completely new direction.
Was Charlie Sheen lewd? Nope, they couldn't get him because he admitted it all and the girls liked him! Charlie USED the people from TMZ to further his career!
What exactly IS lewd? I'll tell you what lewd is;
Lewd is the CEO of BP defying the US President while destroying the Gulf fishery.
Lewd is Dick Cheney over-riding the US Constitution while shooting a guy in the face.
Lewd is George Bush lying about WMDs in order start a vengeance war.
Lewd is Michele Bachmann maligning a whole people for Repugnican brownie points.
Lewd is Rush Limbaugh making fun of Michael J Fox's debilitating disease.
Lewd is serial child molester Jerry Sandusky and the whole board of Penn State.
Lewd is the unnamed executives behind the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae scandals.
Lewd are the paparazzi who hound people day and night for an uncomplimentary photo.
Lewd is the mainstream media for ignoring LIBOR scandals in favor of Jennifer Aniston.
Lewd is much bigger than following a fading celebrity into a darkened movie house.
Willard is a veteran comedic actor who has appeared in more than 200 films. He most often portrays characters who seem daft or absent-minded but are nonetheless likeable. Pee Wee seemed to be a naive spacey character who was harmless to all. They've said Fred will be offered a diversion course and will be allowed to enroll in counseling to resolve a lewd conduct arrest that cost the actor his job on a public television program. The police have to do their job, but why not arrest everyone else in that theater too? It was in L.A. surely someone got shot somewhere that day. I would suggest the people on my above lewd list need counseling a lot more than Fred.
We know the targets to come, John Travolta seems to be one. They're itching to get him. And Tom Cruise for sure, but he's pretty smart, that mission might be impossible. They got George Michael but it didn't seem to take, he just went and did a concert with Elton John. They're watching George Clooney pretty carefully too, far too handsome and successful. And a little dangerous if they're not careful. Anderson Cooper took himself out of a controversy by coming out. And the society gossip media seems to be tired of catching congressmen and senators in airport stalls. Not lurid enough, their wives always stick by them for the shopping and the men are just too pathetic. Didn't these people get it with Bill Clinton? No one cared!
It's not like the olden days, is it? When the Hollywood media protected Rock Hudson, Johnny Mathis and Tab Hunter. Today it's about trying to destroy people. But I'm asking, what's the point? Don't all these famous people have a right to privacy sometime too? A moment alone without scrutiny? A holiday retreat in private? A quiet movie?
Maybe not, as long as supermarkets exist with magazine racks at the check-out full of vicarious thrills it'll never end. Too bad.
Maybe Fred and Pee Wee could put together a new act. Take it on the road. We've had the Vagina Monologues, why can't we have the Penile Duologues? Maybe reinvigorate PeeWee's Playhouse with Fernwood Tonight and call it Good Wood with your PeeWee Tonight? Or make them both spies wearing shades and trench-coats in a flashy TV show called Secret Servicing? Or something dark, like Ingmar Bergman cinema, call it The Five Fingers. Can you see Fred as a Swede, saying, "Jah, und der barometer vas fallink und I vas standing oonder it." With PeeWee as a Peter Lorre caricature.
As for me, well, I am a wannabe actor too. I need that embarrassing shot and the pulpy publicity. I'm going to hang outside of an adult movie house and smile at the cars going by like those free car wash girls. Somebody might notice me. I promise to drop my pants too, should it be boxers or briefs? I tried leaving my fly open but a hooker just walked over, zipped it up, smacked me and warned I'd get arrested for insufficient exposure.
Damn. Just when you want something you can't get it. The photographer told me to get outa the picture as he was taking this one.
But I'll be back tomorrow. After I call TMZ to tell 'em where I am.
Say anything you want about me but spell my name right. Okay?
Meanwhile leave Fred alone, he don't hurt nobody.
Both of these men lost their jobs and had a tremendous crash to their careers.
What about Pee Wee? Did the poor little man ever proposition a hooker without being laughed at? Did she turn him down because she didn't have her pigtails on? Where was he supposed to go? And what kind of reporter follows Pee Wee around until he slips into a Triple X theater? Is Fred Willard a target for TMZ? If he really is he should be proud of it and hold a press conference! Maybe cry and apologize for the behavior of the reporter and demonstrate a dramatic ability. His career might take off in a completely new direction.
Was Charlie Sheen lewd? Nope, they couldn't get him because he admitted it all and the girls liked him! Charlie USED the people from TMZ to further his career!
What exactly IS lewd? I'll tell you what lewd is;
Lewd is the CEO of BP defying the US President while destroying the Gulf fishery.
Lewd is Dick Cheney over-riding the US Constitution while shooting a guy in the face.
Lewd is George Bush lying about WMDs in order start a vengeance war.
Lewd is Michele Bachmann maligning a whole people for Repugnican brownie points.
Lewd is Rush Limbaugh making fun of Michael J Fox's debilitating disease.
Lewd is serial child molester Jerry Sandusky and the whole board of Penn State.
Lewd is the unnamed executives behind the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae scandals.
Lewd are the paparazzi who hound people day and night for an uncomplimentary photo.
Lewd is the mainstream media for ignoring LIBOR scandals in favor of Jennifer Aniston.
Lewd is much bigger than following a fading celebrity into a darkened movie house.
Willard is a veteran comedic actor who has appeared in more than 200 films. He most often portrays characters who seem daft or absent-minded but are nonetheless likeable. Pee Wee seemed to be a naive spacey character who was harmless to all. They've said Fred will be offered a diversion course and will be allowed to enroll in counseling to resolve a lewd conduct arrest that cost the actor his job on a public television program. The police have to do their job, but why not arrest everyone else in that theater too? It was in L.A. surely someone got shot somewhere that day. I would suggest the people on my above lewd list need counseling a lot more than Fred.
We know the targets to come, John Travolta seems to be one. They're itching to get him. And Tom Cruise for sure, but he's pretty smart, that mission might be impossible. They got George Michael but it didn't seem to take, he just went and did a concert with Elton John. They're watching George Clooney pretty carefully too, far too handsome and successful. And a little dangerous if they're not careful. Anderson Cooper took himself out of a controversy by coming out. And the society gossip media seems to be tired of catching congressmen and senators in airport stalls. Not lurid enough, their wives always stick by them for the shopping and the men are just too pathetic. Didn't these people get it with Bill Clinton? No one cared!
It's not like the olden days, is it? When the Hollywood media protected Rock Hudson, Johnny Mathis and Tab Hunter. Today it's about trying to destroy people. But I'm asking, what's the point? Don't all these famous people have a right to privacy sometime too? A moment alone without scrutiny? A holiday retreat in private? A quiet movie?
Maybe not, as long as supermarkets exist with magazine racks at the check-out full of vicarious thrills it'll never end. Too bad.
Maybe Fred and Pee Wee could put together a new act. Take it on the road. We've had the Vagina Monologues, why can't we have the Penile Duologues? Maybe reinvigorate PeeWee's Playhouse with Fernwood Tonight and call it Good Wood with your PeeWee Tonight? Or make them both spies wearing shades and trench-coats in a flashy TV show called Secret Servicing? Or something dark, like Ingmar Bergman cinema, call it The Five Fingers. Can you see Fred as a Swede, saying, "Jah, und der barometer vas fallink und I vas standing oonder it." With PeeWee as a Peter Lorre caricature.
As for me, well, I am a wannabe actor too. I need that embarrassing shot and the pulpy publicity. I'm going to hang outside of an adult movie house and smile at the cars going by like those free car wash girls. Somebody might notice me. I promise to drop my pants too, should it be boxers or briefs? I tried leaving my fly open but a hooker just walked over, zipped it up, smacked me and warned I'd get arrested for insufficient exposure.
Damn. Just when you want something you can't get it. The photographer told me to get outa the picture as he was taking this one.
But I'll be back tomorrow. After I call TMZ to tell 'em where I am.
Say anything you want about me but spell my name right. Okay?
Meanwhile leave Fred alone, he don't hurt nobody.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Who exactly ARE the bad guys?
- Only a few weeks ago, Visa Inc, MasterCard Inc and banks that issue their credit cards agreed to a $7.25 billion settlement with US retailers in a lawsuit over the fixing of credit and debit card fees in what could be the largest antitrust settlement in US history. Shameful and criminal. But do we know exactly WHO did this? Do we ever get a name or hear of a long prison sentence for this kind of crime that affects us all?
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac - the subprime mortgage crisis and scandal - as of Dec 16, 2011, no one has been charged with a crime. We know of company names but hardly any personnel names. Yet somebody sent memos, emails. Somebody had their name attached to those memos. We have been conditioned to accept that corporations are immune to the actions of their managers.
- The WTC attacks - Only six months before the towers disintegrated into cement dust from fire, the first time in the history of steel constructed buildings - Larry Silverstein acquired the lease for 3.2 billion - then insured the complex and after the dust settled, claimed 12.3 billion. Nice profit considering the whole complex was known to be a total losing proposition!
- The Enron Scandal - unfortunately all the information gathered as evidence by the FBI, was housed in their offices in WT7 when it too, in sympathy some say, also imploded into a convenient grey dust in 2001. So nothing exists to go forward with any prosecutions. Odd coincidence?
- The disastrous BP oil spill happened and only one BP executive stepped down while the BP security even kept the US Navy away from the site. BP simply defied the President of the United States and won. Reporters were chased away by armed security. So far no one even knows if the Deepwater Horizon is still leaking into the Gulf seabed and expanding the Gulf 'dead zone'!
- JP Morgan Chase has lost 5.7 billion in a trading blunder and no one knows where the money went. Almost a typical incident among banks these days who keep raising YOUR fees. Today banks can show a profit for each quarter of over a billion dollars, all with a straight face. And no one questions the fact that bank are parasites to YOUR money.
- The Plame Affair when Valerie Plame, an active CIA undercover asset was outed by journalist Robert Novak, through Karl Rove and at the instigation of George W. Bush because of a personal squabble. Rove was investigated but no one was jailed for this treasonous act. Robert Novak the Bush media puppet did what he was told, maybe at the cost of other CIA operative's lives!
- The Bailout of major automobile companies who took the money and still gave their executives million dollar bonuses of taxpayer money! Then flew to the Senate Hearings inquiring about the industry's problems in private jets and did nothing but exhibit their arrogance! How many got fired for NOT reaching their targets?
- Fukushima nuclear disaster. 3 Mile Island warned us all. Chernobyl confirmed the danger, and the danger will last for 1000 years, and yet even while the radiation particles blowing across the Pacific are registering higher than ever before, we have to search back pages to get an inkling that anything is wrong. Hondas continue rolling in. Business as usual. Is that the exact trouble with business?
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac - the subprime mortgage crisis and scandal - as of Dec 16, 2011, no one has been charged with a crime. We know of company names but hardly any personnel names. Yet somebody sent memos, emails. Somebody had their name attached to those memos. We have been conditioned to accept that corporations are immune to the actions of their managers.
- The WTC attacks - Only six months before the towers disintegrated into cement dust from fire, the first time in the history of steel constructed buildings - Larry Silverstein acquired the lease for 3.2 billion - then insured the complex and after the dust settled, claimed 12.3 billion. Nice profit considering the whole complex was known to be a total losing proposition!
- The Enron Scandal - unfortunately all the information gathered as evidence by the FBI, was housed in their offices in WT7 when it too, in sympathy some say, also imploded into a convenient grey dust in 2001. So nothing exists to go forward with any prosecutions. Odd coincidence?
- The disastrous BP oil spill happened and only one BP executive stepped down while the BP security even kept the US Navy away from the site. BP simply defied the President of the United States and won. Reporters were chased away by armed security. So far no one even knows if the Deepwater Horizon is still leaking into the Gulf seabed and expanding the Gulf 'dead zone'!
- JP Morgan Chase has lost 5.7 billion in a trading blunder and no one knows where the money went. Almost a typical incident among banks these days who keep raising YOUR fees. Today banks can show a profit for each quarter of over a billion dollars, all with a straight face. And no one questions the fact that bank are parasites to YOUR money.
- The Plame Affair when Valerie Plame, an active CIA undercover asset was outed by journalist Robert Novak, through Karl Rove and at the instigation of George W. Bush because of a personal squabble. Rove was investigated but no one was jailed for this treasonous act. Robert Novak the Bush media puppet did what he was told, maybe at the cost of other CIA operative's lives!
- The Bailout of major automobile companies who took the money and still gave their executives million dollar bonuses of taxpayer money! Then flew to the Senate Hearings inquiring about the industry's problems in private jets and did nothing but exhibit their arrogance! How many got fired for NOT reaching their targets?
- Fukushima nuclear disaster. 3 Mile Island warned us all. Chernobyl confirmed the danger, and the danger will last for 1000 years, and yet even while the radiation particles blowing across the Pacific are registering higher than ever before, we have to search back pages to get an inkling that anything is wrong. Hondas continue rolling in. Business as usual. Is that the exact trouble with business?
Not to mention the invasion of Iraq on falsified WMD information. Or what the so called Federal Reserve is up to. Or Jeb Bush, Governer of Florida stealing the 2000 election for his brother. Or the fact that huge pharmaceutical companies now control the Food and Drug Administration of the US Government, (did you know that no matter what the drug does to you and your family, you cannot sue the drug manufacturer?) Or that Monsanto and agricultural companies like them are given free reign to engineer, manipulate and 'adjust' farm production of Frankenfood. For their profit while ignoring our health.
And I'm not looking for sex scandals or local scandals at all, that would take a series of volumes or a full hard disk just for the headings, nope only listing a very a few of the kind that ruin lives or steal away the life savings of ordinary working people, or the ones that make you sick instead of better, or the ones that take away your hope, or the those that send the brave young men and women of a country into harm's way for the stealthy designs of a few. Does any reporter ever tell you about depleted uranium bullets?
People used to trust reporters. How many great movies have shown courageous efforts of investigative reporters? But that's fiction now, isn't it? Deep-throats are grabbed and spirited away into incarceration like Bradly Manning. Julian Assange is persecuted by the cornerstone of democratic law respecting government, England, for revealing a slur by a diplomat about another diplomat? People once trusted their governments to look out for them. That trust has degraded into a wary suspicion of government in general and a questioning of everything they do and by what motives they do it.
We don't trust our health care anymore. Millions of doses of vaccines sit in warehouses because people no longer trust the drug companies to protect them. (In recent years, pharmaceutical companies have committed acts that forced them to pay the largest criminal fines in American history. In
cases involving Pfizer, Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb and other drug companies, these fines and penalties have totaled over $7 billion)
Big agro is genetically modifying your food whether you want it or not, and the movement to buy and eat locally is growing exponentially, because of mistrust. Can you trust Monsanto to help bring up your children? Does the nutrition stay in that modified apple that will last a year without turning brown? Isn't that deterioration a warning signal that we need to see?
We citizens are constantly being warned about criminals and terrorists in our midst, necessitating changes to the way we live. The bogey man that was invented by Romans centuries ago when they warned, "Hannibal is at the gates," and has been perpetuated ever since to scare the people, evolving into 'the bogey man will get you.' Our internet actions are monitored and messages searched without warrants in the pretense of catching terrorist plans. CCV cameras appear everywhere so that bad guy schemers can be tracked and caught, by face recognition software and the sneaky by product is that everyone else is now watched and identified too. Virtually every message you send and every phone call you make is monitored and recorded in the name of 'protecting' us poor public people from the, bad guys. And so Hannibal is at the gates again. Two thousand years later.
Drones are now flying above you in urban neighborhoods. Watching, listening and they are being armed with weapons and tasers to attack you from above! Can we even trust our own police? They are the ones flying the drones! And now it is becoming WE the people who are the ones starting to live like those terrorists in the desert, hiding from electronic eavesdropping of drones and spy satellites! Keeping our shades drawn.Keeping our bodies cool so we don't send a thermal imaging silhouette.
But we must ask sometime; who are the real bad guys and why aren't governments protecting people against them? You need only to ask how badly have you been affected by criminals and terrorists? Does any of this compare to the guy who took your cash in an alleyway? Or the one who stole your car while you were sleeping? Does that compare with GMO food that could change the DNA of your children?
Ask how badly have you been affected by the white collar criminals? How badly are you being affected by governments and the corporations in collusion with them? The powers that be keep conditioning people to accept that the upper echelon of “white-collar” crime as not crime and such people couldn’t possibly be
criminals. They wear silk ties, not black hats. If you're not doing anything wrong you have nothing to fear. Who defines wrong?
And your local News Hour reports on lost cats while staying clear of reality news or controversy. It is all beyond your understanding, they say. And most are going for the lie.
Life is just easier that way. So far.
There are other reasons for our fear of learning truths;
A reporter for Bloomberg News, investigating where the federal bailout (taxpayer) money was going, was well into enough info to expose the complexities of what was going on, when at aged 52, he unexpectedly died.
So did 20 witnesses to the Kennedy assassination die within three months of the event on November 22, 1963.
And what happened to so many witnesses of 9/11 when they wanted to talk about what they saw? Why did do many respected reporters who made candid observations on the day, Like Dan Rather, Aaron Brown and Peter Jennings change their opinions right afterward? To their continuing embarrassment today? Who got to them?
Who are the real bad guys?
You know the answer.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
This is a Public Service Announcement.
Really.
Health Canada has just announced the removal from sale of a product called Lightning Rod. In an advisory released Friday they found that testing identified a hidden ingredient hydroxythiohomosildenafil, which can be dangerous to people with heart problems, who are at risk of stroke or are taking nitrate drugs. Lightning Rod is a product used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Hydroxythiohomosildenafil is similar to sildenafil, the active ingredient in Cialis and Viagra and should only be used under the treatment of a doctor. Or maybe an elocutionist if you're trying to say what you want. It may be called elucidation, although sedation could just as easily take effect.
Health Canada warns that people with heart problems, including high blood pressure, a history of heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heart beat or chest pain are at higher risk of problems if they take sildenafil to help them achieve an erection.
People huh? Be gender specific, women don't take this stuff. Only men with glazed over eyes and dreams of conquest. Other possible side-effects of using sildenafil include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, dizziness, abnormal vision and hearing loss.
It's the side effects isn't it? Always is. Those CNN medicine ads that tell you they can fix what's wrong with you but the long list of side effects always ends with, 'You may experience death.' Gets me too. So just when you think you've got the key to a youthful interlude with your loved one, they tell you there's something wrong with that big long word. Let's look at those side effects, perhaps we can help;
You want to have that teener erection, like the time when you were 13 at school and Becky was sitting on the stairs with her legs apart. How many times did you walk by? Furtively glancing, stealthily flushing, secretly fantasizing. Noticeably swelling. But that was then, this is now. You're part of the grey Over-the-Hill mob now.
So you go for the Lightning Rod. Even the name has excitement. A jagged bolt from the sky filled with heat and thunder. You have memories of your olden days when you presented it to your future wife and invited her to, meet the President.
But that first on the list headache could come on. Not the same one she uses, that's called selective migraine. This one is written clearly on the package. Headache. Damn it hurts. So far it's working only to the extent that your head is swelling INSIDE your skull. As long as no blood vessels pop, you should be okay.
Next is the facial flush. This is nothing like the redness you get and try to hide when playing poker with the guys and you have a Royal Flush in your hand. Nope. This is just old man going up the basement stairs out of breath with red blood-pressure 280 over 11 kind of flush with something else in his hand. And it's not appealing at all. Wifey won't say, when she comes in the door from work, "Oh my, what's that bulging in your pants?" She'll more likely yell, "Why are your red eyes bugging out like that?" and she'll push you into a soft chair and call 9-1-1! NOT what you wanted, you sexy old bugger. And you know the paramedics will only grin when they find out what you've done! And no one wants to see what you were so proud of down there in the dark when you took the pill! Did you ever think to check a mirror?
So here comes the next one, indigestion. At last, a symptom you're comfortable with. You have Tums in the candy dish. Don't they make Bromo Seltzer any more? You used to enjoy it with rye whiskey until it took out your liver. Indigestion and you haven't even eaten anything yet. Well except for the left over sardine pizza. Those belches ain't gonna make her feel sexy, Bud, especially with that breath.
And dizziness. This is becoming critical. Why is the room spinning? How can you greet her at the door with a lightning rod if you have to clutch at the walls to get there? You just pulled down the curtain rod. You could put on a tango and slide along the wall. No, she'd just laugh at that. Valentino slinked in the sand but he didn't slide across the hardwood. Okay okay. Be AT the door when she walks in. No need to slink or slip. Maybe it's sink or swim? Dizziness is not sexy. You remember when you finally got Becky to go out with you and you slipped a little extra in her drink and when you got amorous she just fell down on the floor and threw up on your suede shoes? Dizziness is not sexy. Just warning you, after all this is a PSA.
What else is written on the package? You say you can't read the bloody package with abnormal vision! As long as you can see her. Sheez, is she going to be a blur? What if it's her mother? She comes over on Wednesday nights, doesn't she? Is memory loss on the package too? You can't greet your mother-in-law with a blurry lightning rod. Well it won't be blurry to the Watch Commander, will it? And abnormal doesn't just mean blur, it could be a whole mess of vision things. Things that aren't there. Well THAT is still there, but what if Wifey's late and it get's into that three hour warning period and those paramedics are wheeling you out on a gurney with a tent in the blanket on your way to get the deflation procedure while she walks up the driveway! Everyone will have a grin on their face except YOU! Might as well push yourself down the basement stairs and just .... die.
What's that you say? Can't hear? Cup your ear. Hearing loss is on the monograph too. Wifey will walk in from work, tell you she's dead tired, has a throbbing headache, it's been a rough day and her boss is a bastard and all you will hear is; "Honey, I need you so badly, I can't wait to have sex with you and your Thunderbolt friend." Ba-a-ad mistake. That abnormal heart rate and chest pains have nothing to do with pills and everything to do with Wifey being pissed off! She's trying to assassinate the President with her umbrella! Lightning can strike even out of a blue sky!
Is the music still playing? Why can't you hear it? Turn up the tango. Sheeez, are you having a stroke? Are you even in the right apartment? You're not sure if the lightning rod is supposed to work like that. You had to lie crosswise on the toilet to pee. That can't be right. Your ears feel funny. Your toes are even swollen. You kicked the coffee table leg and didn't feel it.You're walking around bumping into things. Even the dog is hiding from you. You're going into mental bankruptcy. You got the erection you wanted but it drained your brain! And after you swallowed that pill in the basement and imagined sensory overload. Ah, vanity has slain the most brave warriors.
So you can see why Health Canada pulled the product.
The warning is to go see your doctor if you are having erectile problems. You could face a personal disaster if you imagine stalking, lying in wait and attacking your wife as she comes in the door from work! It's just too complicated to contemplate the consequences.You've been conned by Lightning Rod.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
This has been a Public Service Announcement, paid for by the committee to re-erect the President.
Health Canada has just announced the removal from sale of a product called Lightning Rod. In an advisory released Friday they found that testing identified a hidden ingredient hydroxythiohomosildenafil, which can be dangerous to people with heart problems, who are at risk of stroke or are taking nitrate drugs. Lightning Rod is a product used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Health Canada warns that people with heart problems, including high blood pressure, a history of heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heart beat or chest pain are at higher risk of problems if they take sildenafil to help them achieve an erection.
People huh? Be gender specific, women don't take this stuff. Only men with glazed over eyes and dreams of conquest. Other possible side-effects of using sildenafil include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, dizziness, abnormal vision and hearing loss.
It's the side effects isn't it? Always is. Those CNN medicine ads that tell you they can fix what's wrong with you but the long list of side effects always ends with, 'You may experience death.' Gets me too. So just when you think you've got the key to a youthful interlude with your loved one, they tell you there's something wrong with that big long word. Let's look at those side effects, perhaps we can help;
You want to have that teener erection, like the time when you were 13 at school and Becky was sitting on the stairs with her legs apart. How many times did you walk by? Furtively glancing, stealthily flushing, secretly fantasizing. Noticeably swelling. But that was then, this is now. You're part of the grey Over-the-Hill mob now.
So you go for the Lightning Rod. Even the name has excitement. A jagged bolt from the sky filled with heat and thunder. You have memories of your olden days when you presented it to your future wife and invited her to, meet the President.
But that first on the list headache could come on. Not the same one she uses, that's called selective migraine. This one is written clearly on the package. Headache. Damn it hurts. So far it's working only to the extent that your head is swelling INSIDE your skull. As long as no blood vessels pop, you should be okay.
Next is the facial flush. This is nothing like the redness you get and try to hide when playing poker with the guys and you have a Royal Flush in your hand. Nope. This is just old man going up the basement stairs out of breath with red blood-pressure 280 over 11 kind of flush with something else in his hand. And it's not appealing at all. Wifey won't say, when she comes in the door from work, "Oh my, what's that bulging in your pants?" She'll more likely yell, "Why are your red eyes bugging out like that?" and she'll push you into a soft chair and call 9-1-1! NOT what you wanted, you sexy old bugger. And you know the paramedics will only grin when they find out what you've done! And no one wants to see what you were so proud of down there in the dark when you took the pill! Did you ever think to check a mirror?
So here comes the next one, indigestion. At last, a symptom you're comfortable with. You have Tums in the candy dish. Don't they make Bromo Seltzer any more? You used to enjoy it with rye whiskey until it took out your liver. Indigestion and you haven't even eaten anything yet. Well except for the left over sardine pizza. Those belches ain't gonna make her feel sexy, Bud, especially with that breath.
And dizziness. This is becoming critical. Why is the room spinning? How can you greet her at the door with a lightning rod if you have to clutch at the walls to get there? You just pulled down the curtain rod. You could put on a tango and slide along the wall. No, she'd just laugh at that. Valentino slinked in the sand but he didn't slide across the hardwood. Okay okay. Be AT the door when she walks in. No need to slink or slip. Maybe it's sink or swim? Dizziness is not sexy. You remember when you finally got Becky to go out with you and you slipped a little extra in her drink and when you got amorous she just fell down on the floor and threw up on your suede shoes? Dizziness is not sexy. Just warning you, after all this is a PSA.
What else is written on the package? You say you can't read the bloody package with abnormal vision! As long as you can see her. Sheez, is she going to be a blur? What if it's her mother? She comes over on Wednesday nights, doesn't she? Is memory loss on the package too? You can't greet your mother-in-law with a blurry lightning rod. Well it won't be blurry to the Watch Commander, will it? And abnormal doesn't just mean blur, it could be a whole mess of vision things. Things that aren't there. Well THAT is still there, but what if Wifey's late and it get's into that three hour warning period and those paramedics are wheeling you out on a gurney with a tent in the blanket on your way to get the deflation procedure while she walks up the driveway! Everyone will have a grin on their face except YOU! Might as well push yourself down the basement stairs and just .... die.
What's that you say? Can't hear? Cup your ear. Hearing loss is on the monograph too. Wifey will walk in from work, tell you she's dead tired, has a throbbing headache, it's been a rough day and her boss is a bastard and all you will hear is; "Honey, I need you so badly, I can't wait to have sex with you and your Thunderbolt friend." Ba-a-ad mistake. That abnormal heart rate and chest pains have nothing to do with pills and everything to do with Wifey being pissed off! She's trying to assassinate the President with her umbrella! Lightning can strike even out of a blue sky!
Is the music still playing? Why can't you hear it? Turn up the tango. Sheeez, are you having a stroke? Are you even in the right apartment? You're not sure if the lightning rod is supposed to work like that. You had to lie crosswise on the toilet to pee. That can't be right. Your ears feel funny. Your toes are even swollen. You kicked the coffee table leg and didn't feel it.You're walking around bumping into things. Even the dog is hiding from you. You're going into mental bankruptcy. You got the erection you wanted but it drained your brain! And after you swallowed that pill in the basement and imagined sensory overload. Ah, vanity has slain the most brave warriors.
So you can see why Health Canada pulled the product. The warning is to go see your doctor if you are having erectile problems. You could face a personal disaster if you imagine stalking, lying in wait and attacking your wife as she comes in the door from work! It's just too complicated to contemplate the consequences.You've been conned by Lightning Rod.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
This has been a Public Service Announcement, paid for by the committee to re-erect the President.
Friday, July 06, 2012
This is what I don't get ...
Only three of the Vancouver rioters have so far been convicted and sentenced. All three of those have pled guilty. Several more who are pleading guilty have been convicted. In most cases their sentencing is delayed until 2013!
What?
That is yet another year away from the original criminal act. Why is this taking so long?
It seems to me, that we could have had a special judge and court room assigned to specifically hear the cases of all those who are pleading guilty. Then we bring them all in at 7 in the morning and show them and their lawyers the video evidence, ask them what they plead, they say guilty, and the judge gives them their sentence in that moment!
Would you agree that the whole process should take 10 minutes tops?
Would you agree that the perps who are pleading guilty anyway, would WANT the sentencing immediately?
Would you agree that their lawyers, having their clients pleading guilty anyway, would welcome the quick money? Ten minutes - maybe a thousand dollars?
Would you agree that taking up to three YEARS after the crime to hand down sentencing is just plain stupid, inefficient, and idiotic when there is no contest from the defendants? By their own agreement.
In an 8 hour day that would be 48 criminals sentenced. Why do 8 hours? Why not run that courtroom for 10 hours, to 7 PM, or even 10 PM! 15 hours! That would be 90 convictions and sentences handed down. No delay. No bulls**t. Set a time, and if they don't turn up, double the sentence.
And if the defendants could forgo a lawyer because of the expected swift justice, and because of their agreement to being guilty, they might be happy to save the exorbitant lawyer's fees.
They say there are 200 rioters awaiting court. Let them argue their cases if they want to, then the delays and costs will be part of their suffering, different matter, but if they plead guilty, save us all the grief and consternation of why court takes so long and get on with it.
They are pleading guilty and WANT it over with. It is full justice. Shouldn't at least 90 of these perps have been convicted and sentenced by now?
Why don't I get why this is taking so long?
What?
That is yet another year away from the original criminal act. Why is this taking so long?
It seems to me, that we could have had a special judge and court room assigned to specifically hear the cases of all those who are pleading guilty. Then we bring them all in at 7 in the morning and show them and their lawyers the video evidence, ask them what they plead, they say guilty, and the judge gives them their sentence in that moment!
Would you agree that the perps who are pleading guilty anyway, would WANT the sentencing immediately?
Would you agree that their lawyers, having their clients pleading guilty anyway, would welcome the quick money? Ten minutes - maybe a thousand dollars?
Would you agree that taking up to three YEARS after the crime to hand down sentencing is just plain stupid, inefficient, and idiotic when there is no contest from the defendants? By their own agreement.
In an 8 hour day that would be 48 criminals sentenced. Why do 8 hours? Why not run that courtroom for 10 hours, to 7 PM, or even 10 PM! 15 hours! That would be 90 convictions and sentences handed down. No delay. No bulls**t. Set a time, and if they don't turn up, double the sentence.
And if the defendants could forgo a lawyer because of the expected swift justice, and because of their agreement to being guilty, they might be happy to save the exorbitant lawyer's fees.
They say there are 200 rioters awaiting court. Let them argue their cases if they want to, then the delays and costs will be part of their suffering, different matter, but if they plead guilty, save us all the grief and consternation of why court takes so long and get on with it.
They are pleading guilty and WANT it over with. It is full justice. Shouldn't at least 90 of these perps have been convicted and sentenced by now?
Why don't I get why this is taking so long?
Friday, June 22, 2012
Adidas BDSM Olympic Runners
Adidas has recently gotten into trouble because of a new shoe design by eccentric fashion designer Jeremy Scott in purple suede that feature orange plastic leg cuffs. The shoes come with a set of plastic shackles. A tag line on Adidas Facebook pages reads, "Got a sneaker game so hot you lock your kicks to your ankles." They have been criticized as causing painful images of slavery or bondage and even labeled 'fascist' by some.Many see them as BDSM shoes, and we know there is a huge market for chains, leather and latex, and dog collars. I'm not so sure they can be called fascist though. I relate fascist to brown shirts and black shirts and high salutes, but not orange and purple running shoes. I think of that piggy Nazi guy in the black leather trench-coat in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Perhaps the word was just misheard. Maybe someone commented that those runners must be the fastest. Don't ask me how they got from fastest to fascist.
Some have taken to social media to lament the design; "Any designer that's nostalgic for slavery will never have my support." and "Our ancestors fought blood sweat and tears just so fools can turn pain into an accessory?" Well, one could just stop running, couldn't one? And how dare they use Winston Churchill's famous line of Blood Sweat and Tears in reference to jogging! Perhaps Adidas will bounce back with a quote from one of Shakespeare's better stage directions; EXIT: pursued by bear. That would be fear of pain that get's you going.
With the summer Olympics coming soon, one would naturally expect to see Adidas featuring their shoes in competition. The nature of the competition remains to be seen though. I know that if I was wearing those orange chain shoes, and that piggy guy was after me, it would be Gold Medal or nothing.
Anyway, what man wouldn't want to be chained naked upside down on a wall and have Xena beat the hell out of him? But leave the shoes on please. She did wear her leathers well though, didn't she?
And it isn't an issue if one looks at the big picture. Winning is everything, whining is nothing. Look at the little picture below. BDSM can't be all that bad now, can it? Care for a bit of pain? You can use 'New Balance' as your safe word. Run away later.
Meanwhile the BDSM community embraces their dank dungeons and dark dragons and hopes Adidas will release them in basic black.
Exit: pursued by bare ....
Go Spain! Go Adidas! Go Miss Whiplash!
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Grey Power!
Grey Power has arrived. (gnarled fist in air)
The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin', as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and advice!
The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in 2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%. In Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!
What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming we can get there ....
Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs. And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same. Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with Paverotti vocals! The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
The ocarina might make a comeback too. Justin Beaver could be playing Miss the Mississippi and You on a sweet potato whilst trying a new hair look. (remember 'whilst'?) Gangsta Rap will be a bully at crosswalks yelling down the time count before the red-hand light.
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly, is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.
Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. Although they'd be good for hiding your Depends.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.
Employment: There will be much more work from home because employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work. And because the retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon, your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in and f#%* up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.
Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it!
Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long. Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic. Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except 'may cause death'.
Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become literature. But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram, The Bertameister Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.
Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future? Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.
Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you. Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you? To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you, thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened, locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem soon.
And you ladies will benefit too. Joan Rivers being a shiny example of what can be done with plaster of Paris, paper mache and flesh colored latex. And a team of Botox doctors on retainer. Inflation may become a medical procedure.
Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You Can Stand, Dancing with the Scars, American Idle and Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 Year Old? Hosted by a guy named Al Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spinnoff being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass for fear of forcing a shart with his boot. Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.
Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass. NBA will switch to hula hoops. Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong because no one ever hits it back.
Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun, (that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber. And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's hologram.
Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the 14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one remembers and it didn't matter anyway.
Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally set everything right. Evolvement will stop. Involvement may stop. Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout toes and prostates.
Happy birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into the hot tub again.
Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather Clock impression.
Would you like some gum?
The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin', as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and advice!
The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in 2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%. In Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!
What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming we can get there ....
Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs. And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same. Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with Paverotti vocals! The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
 |
| Ocarina, around for 12000 years |
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly, is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.
Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. Although they'd be good for hiding your Depends.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.
Employment: There will be much more work from home because employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work. And because the retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon, your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in and f#%* up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.
Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it!
Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long. Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic. Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except 'may cause death'.
Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become literature. But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram, The Bertameister Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.
Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future? Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.
Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you. Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you? To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you, thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened, locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem soon.
 |
| Joan Rivers in 2035 |
Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You Can Stand, Dancing with the Scars, American Idle and Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 Year Old? Hosted by a guy named Al Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spinnoff being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass for fear of forcing a shart with his boot. Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.
Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass. NBA will switch to hula hoops. Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong because no one ever hits it back.
Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun, (that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber. And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's hologram.
Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the 14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one remembers and it didn't matter anyway.
Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally set everything right. Evolvement will stop. Involvement may stop. Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout toes and prostates.
Happy birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into the hot tub again.Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather Clock impression.
Would you like some gum?
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