The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin', as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and advice!
The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in 2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%. In Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!
What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming we can get there ....
Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs. And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same. Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with Paverotti vocals! The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
|Ocarina, around for 12000 years|
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly, is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.
Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. Although they'd be good for hiding your Depends.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.
Employment: There will be much more work from home because employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work. And because the retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon, your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in and f#%* up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.
Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it!
Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long. Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic. Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except 'may cause death'.
Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become literature. But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram, The Bertameister Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.
Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future? Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.
Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you. Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you? To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you, thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened, locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem soon.
|Joan Rivers in 2035|
Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You Can Stand, Dancing with the Scars, American Idle and Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 Year Old? Hosted by a guy named Al Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spinnoff being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass for fear of forcing a shart with his boot. Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.
Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass. NBA will switch to hula hoops. Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong because no one ever hits it back.
Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun, (that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber. And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's hologram.
Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the 14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one remembers and it didn't matter anyway.
Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally set everything right. Evolvement will stop. Involvement may stop. Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout toes and prostates.
Happy birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into the hot tub again.
Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather Clock impression.
Would you like some gum?