Saturday, July 07, 2012

This is a Public Service Announcement.

Health Canada has just announced the removal from sale of a product called Lightning Rod. In an advisory released Friday they found that testing identified a hidden ingredient hydroxythiohomosildenafil, which can be dangerous to people with heart problems, who are at risk of stroke or are taking nitrate drugs. Lightning Rod is a product used to treat erectile dysfunction.

Hydroxythiohomosildenafil is similar to sildenafil, the active ingredient in Cialis and Viagra and should only be used under the treatment of a doctor. Or maybe an elocutionist if you're trying to say what you want. It may be called elucidation, although sedation could just as easily take effect.
Health Canada warns that people with heart problems, including high blood pressure, a history of heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heart beat or chest pain are at higher risk of problems if they take sildenafil to help them achieve an erection.
People huh? Be gender specific, women don't take this stuff. Only men with glazed over eyes and dreams of conquest. Other possible side-effects of using sildenafil include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, dizziness, abnormal vision and hearing loss.

It's the side effects isn't it? Always is. Those CNN medicine ads that tell you they can fix what's wrong with you but the long list of side effects always ends with, 'You may experience death.'  Gets me too. So just when you think you've got the key to a youthful interlude with your loved one, they tell you there's something wrong with that big long word. Let's look at those side effects, perhaps we can help;

You want to have that teener erection, like the time when you were 13 at school and Becky was sitting on the stairs with her legs apart. How many times did you walk by? Furtively glancing, stealthily flushing, secretly fantasizing. Noticeably swelling. But that was then, this is now. You're part of the grey Over-the-Hill mob now.

So you go for the Lightning Rod. Even the name has excitement. A jagged bolt from the sky filled with heat and thunder. You have memories of your olden days when you presented it to your future wife and invited her to, meet the President.
But that first on the list headache could come on. Not the same one she uses, that's called selective migraine. This one is written clearly on the package. Headache. Damn it hurts. So far it's working only to the extent that your head is swelling INSIDE your skull. As long as no blood vessels pop, you should be okay.

Next is the facial flush. This is nothing like the redness you get and try to hide when playing poker with the guys and you have a Royal Flush in your hand. Nope. This is just old man going up the basement stairs out of breath with red blood-pressure 280 over 11 kind of flush with something else in his hand. And it's not appealing at all. Wifey won't say, when she comes in the door from work, "Oh my, what's that bulging in your pants?" She'll more likely yell, "Why are your red eyes bugging out like that?" and she'll push you into a soft chair and call 9-1-1! NOT what you wanted, you sexy old bugger. And you know the paramedics will only grin when they find out what you've done! And no one wants to see what you were so proud of down there in the dark when you took the pill! Did you ever think to check a mirror?

So here comes the next one, indigestion. At last, a symptom you're comfortable with. You have Tums in the candy dish. Don't they make Bromo Seltzer any more? You used to enjoy it with rye whiskey until it took out your liver. Indigestion and you haven't even eaten anything yet. Well except for the left over sardine pizza. Those belches ain't gonna make her feel sexy, Bud, especially with that breath.

And dizziness. This is becoming critical. Why is the room spinning? How can you greet her at the door with a lightning rod if you have to clutch at the walls to get there? You just pulled down the curtain rod. You could put on a tango and slide along the wall. No, she'd just laugh at that. Valentino slinked in the sand but he didn't slide across the hardwood. Okay okay. Be AT the door when she walks in. No need to slink or slip. Maybe it's sink or swim? Dizziness is not sexy. You remember when you finally got Becky to go out with you and you slipped a little extra in her drink and when you got amorous she just fell down on the floor and threw up on your suede shoes? Dizziness is not sexy. Just warning you, after all this is a PSA.

What else is written on the package? You say you can't read the bloody package with abnormal vision! As long as you can see her. Sheez, is she going to be a blur? What if it's her mother? She comes over on Wednesday nights, doesn't she? Is memory loss on the package too? You can't greet your mother-in-law with a blurry lightning rod. Well it won't be blurry to the Watch Commander, will it? And abnormal doesn't just mean blur, it could be a whole mess of vision things. Things that aren't there. Well THAT is still there, but what if Wifey's late and it get's into that three hour warning period and those paramedics are wheeling you out on a gurney with a tent in the blanket on your way to get the deflation procedure while she walks up the driveway! Everyone will have a grin on their face except YOU! Might as well push yourself down the basement stairs and just .... die.

What's that you say? Can't hear? Cup your ear. Hearing loss is on the monograph too. Wifey will walk in from work, tell you she's dead tired, has a throbbing headache, it's been a rough day and her boss is a bastard and all you will hear is; "Honey, I need you so badly, I can't wait to have sex with you and your Thunderbolt friend." Ba-a-ad mistake. That abnormal heart rate and chest pains have nothing to do with pills and everything to do with Wifey being pissed off! She's trying to assassinate the President with her umbrella! Lightning can strike even out of a blue sky!

Is the music still playing? Why can't you hear it? Turn up the tango. Sheeez, are you having a stroke? Are you even in the right apartment? You're not sure if the lightning rod is supposed to work like that. You had to lie crosswise on the toilet to pee. That can't be right. Your ears feel funny. Your toes are even swollen. You kicked the coffee table leg and didn't feel it.You're walking around bumping into things. Even the dog is hiding from you. You're going into mental bankruptcy. You got the erection you wanted but it drained your brain! And after you swallowed that pill in the basement and imagined sensory overload. Ah, vanity has slain the most brave warriors.

So you can see why Health Canada pulled the product.
The warning is to go see your doctor if you are having erectile problems. You could face a personal disaster if you imagine stalking, lying in wait and attacking your wife as she comes in the door from work! It's just too complicated to contemplate the consequences.You've been conned by Lightning Rod.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This has been a Public Service Announcement, paid for by the committee to re-erect the President.

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