Stuff for sale

I was perusing the local papers the other morning, things for sale, browsing the Trucks list ... there were only two. There was nothing to do but read on.
I inadvertently came onto Services for Sale, um ... er... Adult Services, and pictures of women offering wares, perhaps I should say bewares.

Here you can get massages, body rubs, domination, coddling, escorts and perhaps anything that your particular fetish lusts for. One girl at Versace had clamshells over her breasts, but it didn't say if they had a lunch bar selling chowder. One wonders about the flavour. Chantal offers exotic, erotic NEW 40DDDs. Did the old 40DDDs wear out? Did she upgrade from 39DDDs? Another shouts Hot HOTT GFE. Ok sorry, but I never did find out what GFE is, or what the FS is that she does also. There's DATY and SOG too. My sicko little mind tried hundreds of combinations but to no avail, the best I came up with was Saggy Old Grandmother. At least Hooter Haven is clear, and everything is so, er ... round there. I see some of the older ladies are regenerating their careers by applying the Cougar idea. Cougar Country she says, with a pic like Mrs. Robinson's legs. Maybe, but Bear Country scares the hell out of me! Apple Pie caught my eye and was 36DD, but all I could think of as how many apples it took to make a pie that big? One was Royal Lavender Massage, but I don't want to smell like my Grandma. Maybe if it was thyme or oregano. The Transgender ads make you look twice. Those are GUYS? But at least you KNOW you're getting store bought boobs there. Wet Vancouver has this girl sitting sexily in the surf, but it's a little cold for the beach yet. Maybe she was just rinsing, I don't know. I think of fish and chips at the beach anyway.
The Fox girls have enough cleavage to hide a full side of beef roasts. And the Greek Girls say they have toys and strap-ons but they don't say who's going to have the fun? Lots of 900 numbers for hot chat but if you hear a 'click click', that's probably the knitting needles as Grandma finishes her shawl. Mistress Onyx in the black mask offers domination, BDSM, fetish and diaper, which you're going to need if she ever cracks you with that friggin' whip! Lots of Thais, but none with a peanut sauce. The Swedish Touch doesn't seem to come with meatballs either. One girl squirts while she works and I'm not following that any further.
There's a sexy Spanish Italian Dish that was hot and spicy, maybe like a salsa pizza paella? And a Chocolate and Vanilla pair who taste good together. Now there's something I've never been able to do, I always just go for the two scoops of chocolate. I wonder if their names are Miss Baskin and Miss Robbins?
The China Doll only made me think of Lemon Chicken with chow mein and won ton.
Well, after scrutinizing the adult services ads, they did get to me, I had to raid the fridge for a snack. I guess I'm too far along to appreciate these 'Adult' services, food has taken over my sex life.
I'm turned on by my wife's Angel Food cake. I'm afraid to take Viagra, maybe I'll just get some blue jelly beans instead and head on over to Burger King.