Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Lines I'd like to hear . . .

- From a judge . . . "Mr. Smith, for your cruel act of hurting that dog by tying it and dragging it behind your car, I'm sentencing you to a psychiatric examination and then ten years without parole in a mental institution no matter what the conclusion is, because if you could do that to a defenseless animal you are a danger to humans. "
- From a defense attorney . . . "Your Honour, I am withdrawing from this case because the young man I am defending is just too frigging evil for defending. In spite of his rich family money. He did it, we all know it so lets get on with locking him up."
- From a politician . . . "We're going to build a new prison on Baffin Island. If you deal dangerous street drugs and induce teenaged girls to become prostitutes and young men to become tragic shells, you'll be going there. There'll be no walls or fences. If you break your toilet you'll have to go outside to poop, even when it gets down to sixty below. And if you want to escape, you're welcome to try to cross the tundra and get past the polar bears to freedom. But we won't come look for you. Five years for first offense, twenty years for second."
- From another judge . . . "Mr Doe, I cannot take into account your poor childhood to excuse you from robbing that store and shooting the clerk. I am obligated to take into account the thousands of OTHER people who have had poor childhoods and risen above it to become productive citizens of society. You are just plain bad, the sentence is twenty-five years. No parole. No TV. No pool table. No shit."
- From a baseball player . . . "Those pills I took were to make me have more muscle and enhance my strength so I could hit those homers, but you have to take my name off any record books because I cheated."
- From a CEO . . . "My company made those millions for our shareholders. We don't really give a crap about the public and my bonus of three million dollars was on the line. Of course we knew the pills didn't work, but we hushed that up and bought our own scientists to lie for us."
- From an Immigration hearing . . . "You Sir, are being deported back to your own country. You're a proven criminal here in Canada and we're not giving you citizenship. Or any legal rights or aid in this country. You'll be on a plane this afternoon for your homeland. If you want to sue us you can get a lawyer in your own country. If you say they'll be bad to you when you go back there, tough shit, you're outa here!"
- From a cigarette company executive . . . "We knew cigarettes caused cancer. We (cough) sold 'em anyway. Targetted (cough) young girls mostly. "
- From a doctor . . . "I'm sorry Mrs. Doe, we can't cover your medical costs for your lung cancer treatment. You knew many years ago what cigarettes did to you but chose to smoke them anyway. And it's not fair to even let you have a bed to die in when other real patients have need of them."
- From a policeman . . . "Sure I knew what I was doing, beating the hell out of that little jerk. His parents should have done it years ago. So he got a couple of black eyes, if I catch him on my beat I'm gonna do it again. So what's the big deal?"
- From a brothel Madam . . . "Yes, I'm releasing the names from my black book right now. I have video tape evidence also that will be on TV news at 6, three minutes from now. You'll be shocked who they are. You reporters got pens, I'll start reading them now ..."
- From George Bush . . . "It had nothing to do with WMDs, Saddam embarrassed my Dad because he stayed in power after the '91 war and Dad was a one timer president. I got him for Daddy and started all this new war just for vengeance. So we might as well steal their oil while were at it, right? Heh heh heh."
- From my lil' Granddaughter . . . "Yes, I do know what happened to those Timbits. I ate 'em."

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous3:23 pm

    The only one that you will probably hear is the one from the grandaughter


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