Friday, July 15, 2005

Advertising silliness ... #7 ... Alarm Force

Alarm Force. You've heard their ads on radio. "Hey! This is alarm force central control, identitfy yourself!" The commanding voice shouts at you from a speaker somewhere.
So what does the burglar say? "Oh, it's ok, Sir, I'm the brother-in-law." Does the disjointed voice come back with, "Hmm, I guess it's ok then."
'The authorities have been notified' is their catch-phrase. Authorities? Who ARE the authorities? We naturally assume the police. It turns out that the 'authorities' are some guy they hire to give you a call or come knock at your door, and THEN maybe call the cops. And where IS Central Control? Winnipeg? Toronto? Halifax? Chicoutimi? How do you yell, "Help, the burglar is stealing the silver!" in french? Merde.
The latest is they are saying if they HEAR you being threatened they'll call the police. Hear? So they plant a bug in your house? Are they listening all day every day? All night? Do eager ears hear you pleading with your wife for Tuesday night sex? Do they hear your bank account number? Do they hear you saying that under the sofa is the best place to hide the jewels? Will they hear you saying that their $25. monthly cheque might bounce this time? And cut you off? The little mic must be powerful to hear everything in every room. Wondering what the government would give to have that ear into your private life?

Could it go like this;
Alarm force - "Identify yourself, this is Alarm Force central control!"
Unknown voice - "It's ok, man, I'm jus' waterin' the plants."
Alarm force - "Identify the plants then."
Unknown voice - "Uhm ... little jagged leafy plants. Green ones, man, what'd you expect?"
Alarm force - "How many? And don't lie. We know everything, you know."
Unknown voice - "Forty-one."
Alarm force - "Aha, should be 43, we hear everything too!"
Unknown voice - "One died and one got smoked."
Alarm force - "I'm calling the authorities."
Unknown voice - "Hey, give a guy a break, I'm only doing a little agriculture while these folks 're away."
Alarm force - "Well, I'm calling as soon as our guy in your town gets off his coffee break. Where are you anyway?"
Unknown voice - "I'm outa here."
(sound of phone dialing)
Alarm force - "Is this 9 1 1?"
911 operator - "Bonjour, où est en France Québec vous?"
Alarm force - "Oh no. I got Chicoutimi 9 1 1."
911 operator - "Département du feu? Fire department? Ambulance, Police or Wine abuse please, what do you like? We no longer take complaints against the Montreal Canadienne."
Alarm force - "Get me the cops."
911 operator - "Which city please?"
Alarm force - "Um ... er ... he didn't say ... but I think it's in BC, I heard him say 'Bud' and no one else was there, we hear everything you know."
911 operator - "Désolé, neuf un un Chicoutimi ne reconnaît pas Colombie britannique."
Alarm force - "Sheeez, you don't recognize BC? It's OUT there, get real."
Unknown voice - "Hey, man, you still there?"
Alarm force - "Uhm ... shit ... er, Identify yourself, the authorities have been notified!"
Unknown voice - "Okay okay, I'll send you another pair of ... uh ... socks."
Alarm force - "Better .... Never mind the call, 9 1 1."
911 operator - "quelle ville, which city, s'il te plaît?"

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