Things I learn as I get older

• - you don't want to have your laundry hamper and your toilet in the same room.
• - intestinal gas is not a propellant.
• - I must have only dreamt I peed a hole through cardboard.
• - all those people weren't actually talking to ME.
• - prunes aren't funny anymore.
• - if you wear dentures, you don't want to spit while flushing the toilet.
• - hair moves around under your skin to a different place.
• - snoring is like a reverse alarm system.
• - on the pleasure scale scratching a rash and bowel movements are now tied for first.
• - UNtieing your shoelaces is way harder than tieing them.
• - The best way to keep your slippers on is to put your socks on OVER them.
• - cover your mouth when you cough; it's embarrassing to spew germs all over. It's even more embarrassing to spew your teeth over the checkout counter.
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