Tuesday, March 19, 2013


The Port Mann bridge had horrendous problems last year with ice forming on the cables, and when it got too heavy, falling off and landing on cars below. Causing a lot of damage, because the cables go up to a center post and are over the traveled road instead of along the sides like a normal suspension bridge. (Hey, who am I to question those brainy engineers)
Of course this cable twist over the pavement created a huge nuisance. And the Bridge people are trying to solve it.

Yes I have a solution that would be win win for everyone. It's just a matter of keeping the ice off the cables. Sure they could use heavy equipment at high cost but mine is cheaper.

So if there is an elevator inside those huge posts, it helps a lot.    Or not.
You see, in mid winter we have many homeless people roaming in the Vancouver area. Those poor folk are doing all they can to survive. My idea would help them a lot. And they have nowhere to go anyway.

What we do, see, is hoist the homeless people up to the top of the cables. They are usually loaded with extra donated Sally Anne clothing that is often out of style anyway, like those old Russian Army type woolen overcoats etc. We strap them at the top, onto the cables, even using a handcuff if they were not going to be able to hold on for the slide down. And then let them go, clutching to the cable, yes? And while descending, they would sort of scrape the cable free of ice and snow. 

We would have to secure them to the cables because falling onto windshields below would cause breakage and the people driving home would get damned cold with no windshield. Not to mention having a frozen passenger clinging to the dashboard. If the homeless people do make it to the bottom, we could give them a blanket and maybe some red licorice twisters and a slider. A Happy Meal. Even a Treo sticker so they could walk across the Port Mann whenever they wanted. 

I believe this would be a practical way to keep the bridge cables free of ice in the winter. 
Well it's better than the one about having the traffic go 1 mile per hour so the exhaust fumes melt the ice. And besides, people would get home too late. If you're gonna pay 5 bucks to cross you don't want to spend $15 in gas.

Well maybe a LITTLE scary
Okay okay, I agree I haven't solved the 'looking up' problem of motorists yet.  
   "Hey, Martha look, there's one coming down now! Wow they go fast ...... Oooo   ................ bummer."
   "Oh my gawd, Bernie! Did he bounce into the river?"
   "It's okay, he's on his way to Vancouver."

But I'm working on it. I noticed the car junkyards have a lot of those old fifties windshield visors left over from 49 Pontiacs. We could have a machine clip a visor on at one end and take it off at the other. Or ... perhaps this could be yet another opportunity to help the poor? 

In the next segment we'll reveal how to attach those visors,
if we can solve the finger freeze problem. Homeless people only wear those fingerless gloves so they can pick up butts and nickels better. Unless they're some kind of a fashion statement.

So you see? There's always a solution. 


  1. Anonymous5:06 pm

    Another winner

  2. Anonymous6:00 pm

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  3. Anonymous11:57 pm

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  4. Anonymous5:08 pm

    Another whiner?

  5. Anonymous5:09 pm

    Just fucking funny Man!!!

  6. Anonymous2:30 am

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  7. Anonymous8:34 am

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  8. Anonymous1:00 pm

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