Sunday, July 21, 2013
Hybrids and modified beings
Well, the subject disappeared for years until the emergence of Dolly, the cloned sheep. And now many believe the genetic modification business has gone crazy. Recently it was suggested that lab scientists are creating part animal-part human, 'things' in labs around the world. Chimeras on the glowing Bikini Atoll of Doctor Moreau?
They have, for instance, embedded genes for human milk proteins into animals and actually have herds of goats producing humanized-milk! Changes my opinion about feta cheese. One suspects humanized sheep will be next, and what then? Dolly Parton Lipstick wearing sheep? Will they do a remake of Brokeback Mountain with only one cowboy?
Doctors are busy building humanized animals! And you must remember that scientists who are involved in genetic engineering research are concerned with achieving targeted effects and may not investigate beyond the range of their own intentions! Have you suspected there is a reason for so many horror movies lately? You may be right that you are being indoctrinated to the grotesque.
Now what caught my eye was this one; researchers at the University of Michigan have a method for putting a human anal sphincter into a mouse as a means of finding better treatments for fecal incontinence. This is an important endeavor. Right? But it seems like the direction is backwards, to stop anal leakage or incontinence, shouldn't they try putting the mouse sphincter into the human?
And what does the mouse think of this? The other mice are ostracizing him, saying he's just a big asshole now! What a sight! And how is he supposed to control the aperture? Everything he eats just whizzes through him.
But going the other way would be the answer. If old Uncle George has incontinence. You do the anal engineering and voila, little harmless mouse turds! Even if they do drop out, you can just put them in a paper bag for pea shooter ammunition!
So you can see the progress they're making with genetic engineering. There's hope for anal incompetence yet. No, not a typo, incompetence was the word I wanted. Is anybody watching these scientists? Is there a Supervisor guy somewhere who goes into their lab and wants to see what they've accomplished?
Does he peer into the cages full of human-assholed mouses and ask WTF?
Should scientists be creating beings that are part human and part animal? Well, it is happening all over the planet. Are we ready for a virtual reality Blade Runner scenario? I think we'll be okay, they're not trying to look like us, only like parts of us.
We now have glow-in-the-dark pussycats, creepy lil florescent felines that can't hide in the closet anymore.
Frankenswine is a pig created with mouse DNA and E. Coli bacteria to make it environmentally friendly by decreasing it's phosphorous output. Care for an enviro pig ham sandwich that began with E. Coli?
They have also now grown poplar trees that can remove trichloroethylene — the most common groundwater contaminant from the soil from US Superfund Sites. Superfund even sounds like it is a good place, yes? Well they are polluted locations with hazardous material contamination. There are 1280 of them in the USA. No mention of how these wastes actually got into the ground water, someone would have to be blamed if they told us that, but the tests so far show that the plant absorbs this ground liquid contamination into it's roots, branches and leaves and then releases it into the air. What? Have they thought this through? Don't we breath air? Where's that Supervisor guy?
Cole slaw with your meal? Now we have venomous cabbage. Look what scientists have done, see, they put the gene that programs the poison in a scorpion's tail, into the cabbage so that when caterpillars bite it, they die. Really. Someone actually thought of this! And had it in for caterpiggles. Butterflies for petesakes! Were they sitting around playing canasta when one of them thought this one up and rushed back to his lab full of excitement and deadly ideas. Did his mom make him eat sauerkraut? Maybe it's the scientists themselves who are the result of genetic drift!
They have this huge Atlantic salmon coming soon too. Already called Frankenfish. Modified for growth by using a hormone from an eel-fish to make it grow and grow and grow like Topsy and doesn't know where it came from! Sort of into a tuna-sized salmon. Have you seen those grotesque hook-nosed spawning salmon in the rivers? What's it going to be like when they grow to 12 feet and start coming after us? You won't be fishing for these, they'll be fishing for you! They say the FDA will approve it for sale without labeling to tell (warn) you of the genetic modification.
They made the Flavr Savr tomato years ago. They developed it by adding something called an antisense gene. Why does that somehow make sense? Didn't sell because they tasted like faded old blue jeans.
They are now tinkering with cows that produce less methane. You might know already that cows are hugely responsible for global warming and the melting of polar ice. The bovines have almost destroyed the ozone layer because their farts are methane carbon emissions. Won't your car run on methane? Why cant they divert that noxious gas to one of the udder teats and have it connect to your car? You could pull up to a farm, get a glass of milk, a round of cheese and a full gas tank! Of course a shuddering side effect might be that cows begin exploding.
And beware of bananas. They have one now that can be vaccinated with a virus' genetic material that becomes a permanent part of the banana cells, thereby vaccinating YOU when you eat one. We might not even want to trust monkeys to test this one. Would the result be a super chimp who kicks Tarzan out of the tree fort and takes Jane for himself?
And they're playing with medicinal eggs too, by modifying the hens, putting miR24 in them. Take your eggs, Dear, they'll stop you from pissing yourself for 24 hours. Can they make chickens stop that infernal clucking while they're at it?
And here's one; a lab grown ovary that matures human eggs! You'll be able to conceive at the lab and just pick up your baby when it's ready! Maybe even at a Baby-Lab Drive-Thru window? I'll have Baby Jane number347 and large fries.
Do we need all this genetic interference with nature? The only genetic manipulation I want to be involved in is that in which I participate myself, like with the attractive widow next door.
Do we want to face it if there is a mistake? Can genetic engineering be retracted? Is someone creating Jabba the Hutt right now? Never mind the light saber, Luke, where's your salt shaker! How much messing around are they going to do before we are all mutated hideous transmogrified versions of ourselves?
Is a pissed off Mighty Mouse with a human sphincter going to change our world?
Don't know about you, but I am expecting a Chupacabra any moment.