Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Master Bates - new medical studies.

In Health News: - Restless Leg Syndrome? Hay Fever? Parkinson's Symptoms? Prostate cancer?
There is help for these problems suggested from new health studies.

Are you suffering? Does your leg want to go walking at midnight after you tuck into bed? You want to pick wildflowers in that field but keep sneezing the petals off? Your arm is jiggling involuntarily and you're spilling your gin? You're not sure if your pooper is working properly?

RLS is a distressing neurological disorder characterized by an urge to move the legs. It is usually associated with unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs such as tingling, aching and itching. Brain autopsies and imaging studies suggest one contributing factor of RLS is an imbalance of dopamine, the hormonal messenger that activates the areas of the brain responsible for pleasure. There IS a solution.

In Spring a young man's fancy turns to ... er ... masturbation? There may be a quick and pleasurable treatment to clear those tingling noses, for guys at least – a well-timed ejaculation.
A blocked nose is caused by swollen and inflamed nasal blood vessels, irritated by floating air-borne pollen. But during ejaculation, the sympathetic nervous system constricts blood vessels across the body. That soothes the nasal blood vessels, freeing the airway for normal breathing. The logic behind the proposal is based on the fact that the nose and the genitals are both connected to the same part of the nervous system which  controls certain reflexes – the sympathetic nervous system.

Parkinson's. It is suspected that dopamine imbalance is also responsible for some of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease; tremors, sluggish movements, rigid muscles and impaired posture and balance. Research doctors speculate that the release of orgasm-related dopamine might play a role in the alleviation of these symptoms. An orgasm provides one of the biggest natural blasts of dopamine available to us. So if you lose your balance and fall down, you know what to do.

Prostate cancer worries? Your doctor has huge fingers? You have sphincter issues?
The protective effect of masturbation is greatest while men are in their twenties: those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life.
But why should ejaculating more often cut the risk of prostate cancer? The scientific teams speculate that ejaculation prevents carcinogens building up in the gland. (these carcinogens, by the way, can accumulate from second hand cigarette smoke) The prostate, together with the seminal vesicles, secretes the bulk of the fluid in semen. A prostatic stagnation hypothesis (try to stay with me on this) says that the more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them.

So now you know that there is self help available, the five knuckle shuffle becomes important to your future health. Important, I said. The action no longer involves going blind at all. And you don't have to be prostrate to save your prostate. In fact parents need to encourage youngsters in the implementation of the practice as routine for future benefits, like brushing regularly.
"Jimmy, it's time for your health event, here's your Dad's Playboy, go into your room."
And you no longer need to shout "Reeeecolaaaa." from that Swiss alpine sward. Just sit down amid the pretty blooms and alleviate your symptoms.

If these findings are confirmed, future health advice from doctors may no longer be restricted to diet and exercise. Masturbation is part of a man's sexual repertoire, it is beneficial to use it.

In conclusion it's perfectly reasonable that males should be encouraged to masturbate. Flog your log. Beat your meat. Battle the helmet warrior. Pound your pud. Burp the worm. Clear your snorkel. Mangle the mute muppet.
So if you are going to tweak your twinkie, you may be saving the health system thousands of dollars in later life medical costs.
No detrimental effects have been found to this therapy yet. And of course diet and exercise in public is okay. But if you choose this new method for looking after your health in public, the costs of legal fees could eliminate the savings. The police don't hesitate to toss a healthy man into jail. That IS a detrimental effect. ("BOTH hands in the air, Sir!") The scenarios are endless ...

"What are you doing in there, man?"
"Flushing out my carcinogens."
"Okay, a health nut."

"Oh Honey, you got me a subscription to a men's health magazine, Penthouse, how nice. You still have that headache?"

"Tonight I'm going on a date with Handrea."

Masturbate. It's good for you.

Back later, I'm heading for the optometrist and the carpel tunnel specialist.


  1. Anonymous10:02 am


  2. Great stuff!!

  3. My reaction..."wouldn't hurt"
    Seriously funny! It just kept getting better, almost like a climax of writing! lol
    Thanks for the real LOL!


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