Saturday, April 22, 2006

Let's play doctor

A 76 year old man in Florida, was charged with sexual assault after going door to door, posing as a doctor giving free breast examinations. He examined at least two women's breasts after they allowed him into their homes to accept the offer. Phillip Winikoff even carried a black doctor's bag and was found out when one woman allowed a genital inspection, but Phillip, in his excitement, forgot to don rubber gloves. His real occupation is a shuttle driver for a car dealership.

One can almost see the upcoming trial ...

Mr. Winikoff is on the stand.

Prosecutor: Judge, and Jury. This white haired old man perpetrated a heinous criminal act of fraud on women in their early 30s; sexual assault, false pretenses, impersonation, performing a free service without qualifications, and everyone in America knows we don't do doctor stuff for free, furthermore and wheretoever, he caused embarrassment to other women who will not come forward. And lastly, he caused many policemen to sideline their other cases while they assessed the victims themselves for first hand evidence, um ... so to speak. I rest my case.

Defense Councel: Doctor Winikoff, would you have ...
Prosecutor: Objection your Honor, he is not a real doctor!
Defense Councel: Sir, did you offer free breast examinations door to door?
Prosecutor: Objection to Defense Council's giggling, your Honor.
Winikoff: Yes sir, I did.
Defense Councel: And some ladies allowed you into their homes for this ... ah, service?
Prosecutor: Objection on service! This terrible criminal only wanted to "service" the women. And they were FAKE breast exams.
Defense Councel: Doctor Win ... er Mr. Winikoff, and then you actually DID do a breast examination, correct?
Prosecutor: Objection ...
Winikoff: Correct Sir. I did a thorough examination, nothing fake about it.
Prosecutor: ... counsel is laughing again!
Defense Councel: Thank you, Doctor Winikoff, and can you tell us how you did it?
Winikoff: I caressed ... er ... fondled ... um, examined them all with gentle care, Sir. I even listened to the heartbeat with my nice warm ear.
Defense Councel: And why did you choose this community service for young women?

Winikoff: When was the last time you tried to get a doctor to actually come to your home? And those mammary gram machine things hurt like hell.
Prosecutor: Objection. Community service? His intent was strictly sexual, your Honor!
Defense Councel: That is speculation and conjecture, my learned friend ... Winikoff, sir, were any Viagra pills found in your little doctor's bag?
Winikoff: There was nothing in my bag except my lunch. When you're 76 years old it gets kinda heavy to carry around.
Prosecutor: It was the rubber gloves did him in, your Honor, he didn't have any.
Defense Councel: Sir, did these women invite you into their homes voluntarily and remove their clothing of their own accord?
Prosecutor: Objection! They thought he was a doctor.
Defense Councel: He kind of looks like a nice old doctor, though, doesn't he?
Prosecutor: He's a dirty old man!
Defense Councel: Doctor Winikoff, had you found a lump or anything would you have recommended the woman see another doctor for more tests?
Winikoff: I always believe in second opinions, Sir, as a matter of fact my friend Harry, the wash guy down at the car dealership ...
Prosecutor: Oh my gawd!
Defense Councel: We rest too, your Honor. No harm no foul.
Prosecutor: Objection to your Honor's giggling, your Honor.


  1. Anonymous4:06 pm

    Oh my God have you ever considered writing for comedy? Just great..

  2. Anonymous9:36 pm

    Nice Job. Keep'em coming :)

  3. Anonymous8:04 am

    what a great Sat Nite Live skit!

  4. Anonymous8:07 am

    I heard rubber glove sales are skyrocketting

  5. I can't believe you didn't think about it

  6. Anonymous9:39 pm

    Love when you write things like this!


Keep it real - spam or links will be eliminated