Sunday, September 15, 2013

Hollywood Celebrity News #2

It's not gossip, it's gossamer! 

In our latest installment, we reveal some of the auditions where actors didn't get the role. 

Ben Affleck seemed a natural for the part in that Aflac insurance commercial. But the director decided that Ben was more suited to play a tired and weary Donald Duck because he slurred his words and wasn't able to seem animated, and besides, the Aflac duck was a better actor.
Quack you, Buddy
Ben, caught by paparazzi outside while hailing a taxi, said, "I don' need no steenking duck job." 

Ben went right back to rewriting his Vietnam War history movie to make America the only winners.

food goes in here
Meanwhile Guy Fieri was a strong contender to play The Penguin in the latest Batman movie but his requirements for Kraft Services would have cut so far into the budget he was dropped from the project. As soon as they told him it was going to be in 3D he jumped into the Camaro for Diners, Drive-ins and Dives and hasn't been seen since, along with all of the crew's lunch burgers.

Was that Ross?
 Jennifer Aniston had a strange experience lately when she entered the wrong room at Paramount and it turned out to be an audition. She was sent away because the director said the job required minimal acting skills.
The audition was for a stand-in for Jennifer Aniston. 
She only commented, as she walked right past David Schwimmer tidying up the parking lot, "WTF! Didn't they recognize my gold?"  
Never forget who your friends are, Jen. 

Paramount, afraid she might buy the studio and fire them all,  apologized profusely and Brazilian waxed her Bentley.

Jack Nicholson has announced that he will no longer be acting in movies, as Jack Nicholson, he declared he was now Orson Welles and would drink no wine before it's time and that it must be time somewhere.

When queried about reports that he might have dementia, he contested that he's had it since he was 23 and no one noticed then so what's the big deal now? When pressed for further info by reporters, Nicholson said, "You can't handle the truth, now hold the tomatoes, the bacon and the toast!"

He went off to audition for 'Rosebud', unaware it was the Ross Mathews life story.

Use the Force, Luke

Marty Feldman recently auditioned for a role as an alien hologram in the new Star Wars movie Trekkies Strike Back but the producers said it was going to be in 3D and that would be just too weird for audiences in darkened theaters. 
George Lucas said, 'We were afraid of another War of the Worlds panic. Lots of Americans think it is still 1938, you know."

So pull my finger
  And finally,  TED, the Teddy Bear who was a huge hit last year as the foul-mouthed pal of Mark Walberg,  couldn't hold his tongue long enough to complete a try-out for Toy Story Four, he disrupted the whole cast audition by calling Tom Hanks, (the voice of Woody) MorningChubby, Tim Allen, (Buzz Lightyear) Fuzz Right Here, Don Rickles, (Mr Potato Head) Mr. Rotatorhead, and Ned Beatty, (Lotso) Fatso, and kept scaring the females by singing,   "If you bump into my wood today, you're in for a big surprise." 
Ted left in disgust heading for a Ted Talk on Saving the Grisly.

Kermit was asked if he would hire Ted but declared the Muppet Show already has a Fozzie Bear and doesn't need more turmoil around the pond.  
Especially he didn't want anybody moving in on his pig.
They already had a bad experience with ALF.

Notes: The publicity agents for Jonathan Silverman and David Schwimmer both deny they are the same person.

You be the judge

That's all folks!

Hollywood Celebrity News #1


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